Reflecting:

On occasion and when I'm feeling nostalgic, I look back through pictures and try to feel the memories that those pictures created when they were taken.  Tonight I was looking through some of Hailey's baby pictures and, while the pictures were all very happy, they also made me feel sad.  Being my first born, I got to experience all the "firsts", and all of those proud "shout from the rooftop" moments that most parents feel.  First family gatherings, first Christmas, first time she found her toes, first steps, etc.  Today, these feelings feel like they were in another lifetime as shortly after Hailey turned one, our worlds came crashing down and ultimately all of our lives changed forever.

Now, don't get me wrong, Hailey is a typical 3 1/2 year-old girl.  Prissy, strong headed (she IS my child and all), and is always looking for a way to express herself.  But, I honestly don't give her enough credit sometimes.  She is an amazing little girl and has a heart the size of Montana, and as bazaar as it sounds, she was the spark that kept me going during the rough months after Emily died.  Of course Barry was my rock, that goes without saying, but Barry was living the same nightmare I was at that time and Hailey was still the happy, sweet baby from the pictures and she has always had a way of lighting up the darkest of rooms.  As I've mentioned before, she didn't feel the pain that we felt, nor did she have to suffer through the various stages of grief.  Instead, she laid with me when "mommy didn't feel like playing", she hugged me when I needed it the most (unbeknownst to her), went with me on EVERY - SINGLE doctor visit (and trust me, there were a LOT) while I was pregnant with Hope, and has loved her little(st) sister as if she had been here with us all along.

I have to be a bit honest, though.  I am currently struggling in my parent-child relationship with Hailey and I am sickened by it.  I stayed home with Hailey for 2 1/2 years and we did just about everything together.  Today I have to consciously remind myself to carve out some special "Hailey/Mommy"time for old times' sake.  Hope is still at the age where I can pick her up and all is great with the world.  But, lately my new work schedule and Barry's new work schedule have created some very stressful weeks, and I find it harder and harder to make that special time to make the effort to nurture my relationship with my beloved first-born.

I have, however, been able to put things into better perspective lately.  I attended our church's Women's Retreat a few weekends ago, and that always refreshes my soul.  The theme was "Less is More" led by the amazing Suzanne Stabile, and it could not have been more perfect for at this point.  The whole concept of "Less is More" is something we have learned the hard way, but Suzanne's lessons allowed me to truly embrace "Less is More" without viewing it as us lacking "things".   I was also able to work from home last week, during spring break, and while it was challenging and stressful at times, it was very much worth it to be able to tend to my babies throughout the day.  It also gave me a break from the craziness that goes along with most weeks: wake up, fix lunches, fix breakfast, shower, get kids up and ready, get myself ready, rush kids to destinations, rush to work (usually late), hit the grind for several hours, rush to pick kids up, get dinner ready, get dinner cleaned up, kids bathed, read stories, say prayers, kids in bed, attempt some quiet time with husband before we both crash and the whole cycle starts over the next day.  That lifestyle can really wear down a person and makes one start to forget the important things in life...like snuggling with you babies when they ask or reading them an extra story.  Although, the crazy cycle starts back up this week (minus the two days we've been down with a nasty stomach bug), I'm going to remind myself to slow down and take in the important moments. 

This all brings me to my next inner struggle.  I went back to work full-time when Hope was only 4 months old.  It was tough to be away from my babies during the day, but when Barry was laid off last January and I had a wonderful job opportunity presented to me, there was no question that I would step up and do what was necessary for my family at the time...and it worked out great for us.  But now I have this burning desire to be home with my kids because they are growing up so fast and I am constantly feeling like I am missing out...not to mention the cost of child care is very depressing (and Less IS More, right?).  If it weren't for the financial benefit of working, I'd spend my days with my girls, finish writing my book at night (because my brain does much better at regurgitating my thoughts at night), and work towards my dream of fighting to lower infant mortality. 

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy working and I have a great boss who has been more than flexible with the crazy cycle that I mentioned above, but I feel as if I'm very torn.  I'm torn by my number one desire to be with my children, I'm torn by the fact that we really do need a second income, and finally I am torn by not wanting to let my boss down (because I am a 2 on the Enneagram and some of you will know what I'm talking about).  But, the bottom line is that, I don't feel as if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I WANT to do something that involves helping a cause that I'm truly passionate about... and being in a sales position, I feel that I'm trying to be someone I am not.

Enough ranting for one evening?  I think so.  I will continue to soul search and pray for the right thing for our family and hope for the best!  Meanwhile, we are preparing to build our team for the March of Dimes on April 20, and that gives me something to work towards for our Emily and some close friends who have experienced prematurity, sick babies, and even losses.  Check out our Family's Team Page:  http://www.marchforbabies.org/emilyrose2010.

Love to all and good night!