Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but my inspiration for writing and sharing my journey is still very much alive. For the past year, or so, I've been trying to balance life as a wife, mom, working full-time, and trying to live as normal of a life as possible. Some days I feel that I mildly succeed at this balance, and some days I feel that I have failed miserably. There are days that I get so caught up in the chaos that I have to stop and remind myself of the journey we have been on, and how blessed I am to have two healthy, smart, beautiful baby girls (and one sweet angel in my heart) in spite of how crazy life is.
Remembering:
Of course I am always thinking about Emily. Any time I see a little baby, pass a hospital (especially THE hospital), hear the name "Emily", or the word "death", or maybe just in my silent times...my mind is consumed with her. However, the little things are becoming harder and harder to remember. If I close my eyes, I can remember her distinct cry, but what life was like for those twelve days seems like it was another lifetime ago. What we do have is a number of pictures of her twelve days on earth to remember her sweet face. Hailey, being only 15 months-old when Emily was born (and died), only knows of Hope as being her baby sister. Any time she sees a picture of Emily, she associates the picture with her living sister and we always remind her of her first little sister, Emily. I always knew that this is how it would be, I knew she would never "remember" that awful time in our lives (and truth be told, I'm thankful for this), but I still wish she could remember that first sisterly bond. As I always planned, I will never stop talking about Emily to both of her sisters, but I know the explaining part is going to get much harder the older they get. Today, Hailey picked up a picture of Emily on the day she was born and very innocently asked me "Mommy, what happened to her"?
I hardly ever cry in front of anyone about this, perhaps in fear of making the other party uncomfortable. I can even manage to get through a whole story about the death of my daughter without breaking (no eye contact though...that might be a deal breaker). It's usually when I am alone that I fall apart, and most of the time that's in the car, strangely enough. However, having Hailey ask me that took everything I had not to fall apart right then and there.
I know these conversations are only just beginning. The more Hailey learns about life, the more questions she is going to ask and the more it is going to affect her. Then, as Hope grows up, she will learn that she was the baby I was afraid was going to die the second I found out I was expecting her because of what happened to her sister. And, as they both grow up and begin to think about becoming mothers of their own, I will have to worry that one of them will experience a loss like we did. I realize that living in fear is neither healthy nor how God would want us to live, but the truth is, if I DID actually live in fear, I would not have chosen to have Hope, which is exactly why we named her such.
All of my children are blessings, my two living babies and my baby whose life was taken far too early. No, I don't consider it a blessing that she died, but a blessing that, no matter where she is, she is still my child and that I will see her again. In the meantime, I consider it my job and my focus to raise a family to be kind, caring, and giving people in honor of Emily so that when we do see her again, she will have always been close in our hearts.
Moving On?:
No, never.
I see pictures on other blogs, websites, support group newsletters, etc of mothers who have had losses and I think to myself "wow, they look really composed and 'normal' after what they've been through, you can't even tell they're sad". Then I reply to myself "I'm sure this is what I look like to the outside world."
If only we could wear a little button that said "be nice to me, I lost a child" the rest of our lives. But, the truth is, everywhere we go we can look around us and see fully functioning people on the outside, but we have no idea what people are recovering from on the inside and that makes me sad. Today, I carry on my life as if that awful day never happened. I socialize, make jokes, laugh, etc (I'm in sales)...all things I wondered if I would ever do again back in late 2010. What most people don't know, is that I'm carrying something very heavy with me ever minute of every day.
As I mentioned before, my mind is constantly consumed by Emily's memory. But, there are some days where I feel as if I have been taken back in time, as if I'm starting my grief over from the very beginning. It could be something like a TV show, song, email from a friend, or a flashback of a horrific memory of the night of Emily's death that can take me back...but when I'm back, it's with me the rest of the day. As sadistic as it sounds, these days where my emotions are so raw and so...there...I almost feel a level of comfort. These days are fewer than before, but still come about.
Dreaming:
Everyone has different opinions about dreams. Most dreams I think are just are minds compiling all the crazy thoughts we have running through them and making a movie for our sleeping pleasure. However, I think some dreams can be a communication channel between our souls and someone we love very dearly when we are needing it the most.
My maternal grandmother and grandfather passed away within one year to the month of each other, September 2003 and 2004 respectively. This was my first experience in losing a very close loved one as I cherished my grandparents dearly. I will never forget the day my dad called to let me know "Mammaw is gone". Just shy of a year later, I got the same call from my mother about my grandfather (Pappaw). I felt as if a huge chunk of my childhood was gone and I struggled with these losses a great deal. I still to this day dream of them quite often. Most of my dreams involve being at their home in Huntsville, Alabama, where I spent a great deal of my life prior to moving to Texas. These dreams are happy as I feel the innocence of the life that was back then. Sometimes they will randomly appear in my dream and speak to me about things going on in my present life. One dream I recall very vividly, and I haven't mentioned this to many people prior to now. Most of the time, my grandparents would visit separately, but in this particular dream, they were together. I happened to be pregnant with Emily at this time, but not far enough along to know that she was a girl. My grandfather told me to sit down and they advised me that they would be taking my daughter to stay with them. Now I am not what you would call a great sleeper, so I don't know that I even have time to dream most nights, but when I dream these vivid dreams, they tend to stick with me for a few days. This one did just that. I woke up fearing that something was going to happen to Hailey, since she was the only daughter present at the time. It took several months after Emily's death to think back to this dream...but now I know that my grandfather was trying to prepare me, and assure me that Emily will be taken care of.
It took me a while to have an Emily dream, but I remember my first dream of her after her death. It was very short and something as simple as changing her diaper on the end of my bed. The next was a quick clip of me holding her, knowing she wasn't there to stay, and then she vanished. Truthfully, those are the only dreams of Emily that I can clearly remember. Maybe it's still too painful and my mind is protecting me from slipping into one of my "days", but I often ask God to "please let her visit me in my dreams". Maybe she's still mad at me for freaking out when I found out I was pregnant with her (remember Hailey was only seven months old at the time)? Even though I have regretted my reaction every since she was born, and even a little before. Maybe she's sad that I had another baby so soon and she feels "replaced"? But what I hope most of all, is that she knows that she is loved and that I would go back and "fix" anything if it would bring her back.
Ok, well that's all for tonight, I've got an early breakfast meeting and I hope to squeeze in a comforting dream between now and then. To be continued...
Blessings to you all.
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