As I look back through my last blog ALMOST a year ago (I know, I'm terrible at keeping this thing updated), I realize so much how life can throw suprises at you.
At the end of January last year, I discovered I was pregnant with my second child. Only having a 7-month-old at the time, I was so frazzled with the timing and thought "how could this be happening??" I felt that I hadn't spent enough time with Hailey, that our amazing bond would be compromised, and that she would never forgive me for taking away that one-on-one that she will ultimately never remember...oh yeah and "how are we going to afford another child???" These are all feelings and thoughts that would soon turn into so much pain and guilt a few short months later. On Septebember 28, 2010, our sweet little Emily was born at 2:18 pm, and at that moment, all those fears vanished as I realized I have so much love to give another sweet little girl that God had blessed me with. My delivery was perfect (a little longer than I had hoped), I went all natural just as I did with Hailey, she weighed 6lbs 6oz, and she was beautful...Daddy even got to cut the cord (a first for him). Our hearts were happy...we felt our family was complete and Life WAS good!! Little did we know, God had another suprise for us just around the corner...
Most of you know what happens next, but some of you may not understand just what happened. I will do my best here to explain the sequence of events, but I don't think I will ever be able to fully explain WHY?? Here goes...
First some background: Barry and I have different blood types, I am O and he is A...this surfaced a slight issue when Hailey was born with his bloodtype...called "ABO Incompatibility). As soon as she was born, they immediately drew blood for testing and took her to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). We were told it was nothing life-threatening but that, because of our difference in blood types, my body built up antibodies in utero that fight off the "A" system...so when she was no longer depending on my system, her system had to fight to take over. This caused her billiruben (something that processes toxins out of the body) levels were high causing her to have severe jaundice. Hailey was in the NICU under the "tanning lamps" and on IVs (she was also slightly anemic) for 7 days and then was released. This is not an issue that continues throughout the child's life...only in the few days after birth. She is a perfectly healthy child today. When she was discharged, the NICU Dr. warned us that, in subsequent pregnancies, this could be a bigger concern seeing that my system has already built up antibodies and will only get stronger.
When I discovered I was pregnant with Emily (after the initial "freak out"), this was my biggest medical concern because of what I was told. Thankfully, it did not affect my pregnancy and I had a smooth and healthy pregnancy. Shortly after Emily was born, we discovered she also had A blood type and jaunice as well...so under the "tanning lights" she went. Her billiruben levels balanced out and she was discharged on day 5, a Saturday. I remember pulling up to the hosptial to get her and I burst into tears of joy...this was it, we were bringing home our baby to complete our family, I would have my two baby girls, and Hailey would have her little sister (I had already pictured them growing up as best friends). We got Emily home and situated in her basinet, Hailey tucked in for a nap...I thought "piece of cake...I got this!!" Five minutes later, Emily started crying which woke up Hailey and then she started crying...then I thought "well my life just got a whole lot busier!!" It was a rough first night, but we eventually balanced out the feedings, diaper changes, etc...Barry and made a great team and even Hailey was a big helper (only a TINY bit jealous)!!
The following Sunday was perfect: warm with a nice fall breeze, football on tv, spending time with my parents cooking chicken wings, sliders, etc...again, life was good!! My only concern was that, Emily hadn't been eating so well that day. Starting early in the morning, she quit nursing like she was, spit out the bottle, and spit up a few times (not normal). I grew more and more concerned, but didn't really know what to do....I was just a "worried mom." Shortly after the dinner (and another loss for the Cowboys), Barry and I went home and proceeded to get the girls ready for bed. Barry thought he'd try to get Emily to eat since I was flustered. I noticed she was pale and he agreed, then turned to me and said...get dressed I think we need to take her to the doctor. Being a Sunday night, we drove her to the ER in the hospital where she was born. It was the longest drive and I tried to keep her warm and crying the whole way there. When we got there...I barely remember what symptoms I described but I know I mentioned 1. not eating 2. fussier than usual and 3. pale...I am pretty sure they chalked it up to paranoia on my part and proceeded through the routine triage "check-ups." As soon as they checked her temp, things kicked into high gear...her body temp was only 92.9 and they immediately whisked her back to a room with a warming something or another, warm fluids in an IV, and started running tests. Most of the details from here are all a blur as I felt I was in a dream...correction NIGHTMARE!! I remember a few things; infection fighting cells were high, ph levels off, "we're intubating" her, there's a crew in flight from Children's Hosptial to take her (I remember them asking my weight so I could ride on the chopper with her)... at this point all I wanted to understand was "is my baby going to be ok??" And then panic set in. As we dropped Hailey off with my parents, we left them with no major details...so I stepped out of the ER room to call my mom to update her...again, I don't even remember what I said, but I do remember looking up to see a familiar face, Dr. Jim Palmer, one of the Pastors from our church, also the Chaplain on duty that night! All of us knowing this didn't look good, he took us away from the chaos and took us into another room. There was nothing left for us to do but pray... and pray we did. My last prayer was for that all the pain be taken away from my youngest daughter, only 12 days old. About this time, the nurse came in to get us saying the Dr. requested to speak with us...I knew this was not going to be good news. We walked for, what seemed like miles, back into the room where Emily was...and there she lay, still, lifeless, yet perfect. I don't even remember what the Dr. said to us, but as I looked around the room, tears filled every eye around us. I honestly don't even think I was able to cry at this point because I didn't want it to be true. I just wanted to run, run away from what just happened and go back to our happiness that we just had, run away from the fact that my brand new baby had been ripped from my arms, just RUN!! One of the nurses asked if we wanted to hold her. My first reaction was "no I want her to be alive and take her home and go on about life," but I did. This is something I never wish upon any mother, to hold their lifeless baby...but as I stared at her, not wanting to put her down, and telling her over and over again how much I will ALWAYS love her...I noticed a sense of peace about her, she wasn't in pain anymore. I replay this night over and over in my mind almost every day. The date was 10.10.10.
The weeks following were just as hard and as painful as that night in the ER. My body was still recovering from childbirth, planning the funeral, attending the funeral, family and friends coming and going...and yet we just seemed to go through the motions. It all feels like such a dream, and through it all we realized how many wonderful people we have in our lives. It is hard to believe this was only 3 months ago...we have come so far since then. As easy as it felt for me to just become a recluse and stay curled up in bed where I felt safe, I knew I had to keep going for the sake of my marriage and for my living child. Thankfully, I have many wonderful friends and a very supportive husband that allowed me to do so...who didn't allow me to just sit at home and sulk (don't mistake this for not allowing me to grieve because I will forever grieve the loss of my daughter).
The autopsy report showed that Myocarditis caused her death, an infection in the lining of her heart...most likely caused by a virus she contracted through the air. As we discussed all this with many doctors; my OB, our Pediatrician, the Medical Examiner...the verdict was all the same, there was nothing we could have done to prevent, know, or change what happened. It was a "fluke" deal, all my pregnancy screens were normal, her newborn screens were normal...but I still wanted (and WANT) to know WHY???
With the new year, I want to look forward (certainly not leaving Emily behind) and I want to know that I CAN have another healthy child and have the experience of holding another newborn of my own...not to replace Emily, but to carry on her legacy and hopefully help heal our loss. With the help of many wonderful doctors and friends, we have begun digging into Emily's records (this was not an easy task to undertake), my health, etc...because I do NOT want to go through this again. I have visited with a support group (www.MEND.org) and have heard stories of mothers who have experienced mulitple losses, and I do not know how they keep going and my biggest fear is that it will happen to me. I have found a great team of doctors who have access to one of the greatest hospitals and greatest NICU's in Texas and I truely feel hopeful that I will get to experience that joy again soon...God willing!!!
Emily's Urn sits on a shelf and I tell her how much I love her every day, her memory is still as fresh as the day she was born, and I will NEVER forget how sweet, precious, and innocent our little Emily Rose Ford was to us....she is WITH us everyday. As Barry says "her dark little eyes will haunt me forever."
Hailey and the boys have been such a blessing through all of this and have been a major part of our healing. I do know that we have a lot to be thankful for, but there will forever be a piece of our hearts missing.
As I sit here and type today, almost one year to the day that I discovered I was pregnant with Emily, we are expecting another little miracle...due September 28th. I pray that this baby will be the little band-aid over our broken hearts. I am thankful, I am positive, and most of all I am Faithful.
Thank you all who have been and continue to be a great support to us.
