It is no doubt, that as we age and evolve in our lives, our thoughts, feelings, concerns, problems, etc. evolve from those we had in our earlier stages in life.  On the more positive side, our joys and triumphs also come on different levels as well.  Last weekend I had the opportunity to spend Saturday afternoon with a very good friend who I haven't seen in a while.  While we were hanging out at a very popular establishment in Dallas, I found my thoughts wandering into unhealthy territory.  As I watched some girls and guys in their early twenties bounce around in their strategically planned outfits with drinks in hand, I thought to myself "they know nothing about real life," and "they don't know what it's like to suffer because of X-Y-Z," or "it must be nice to be so care free and not have any real worries."  But truth be known, most of us were exactly those people long ago, I know I was, and that's ok.  Everyone deserves to have a happy, care-free, early adulthood because we all know that life just gets harder.  After I brought my thoughts back down from my initial judgments, I then started to wonder "will one of these girls will get married and suffer from infertility?"  Or "will one of these people will end up with a life threatening illness?"  And"could one of these girls suffer the loss of a child just like me?"  Then I began to put things into perspective.  I wonder how many people looked at me and thought the same judgmental thoughts about me when I was in that place in my life?  And then, I was warmed with blessed thoughts of my pleasant marriage and my sweet baby girls.

I also think back to the place in my life when I was single, working, and had no real responsibilities other than paying my bills, showing up to work, and making my next happy hour destination.  I still had goals and dreams, just like I do now (even though they might be different goals and dreams) but they seemed so much more attainable than they do now.  I had no fear when it came to chasing my dreams and I was determined to work my way to the top in anything I set out to do, and in the ethical "working hard" way not the "sleep my way to the top" way.  Today, achieving my goals involved quite a few more steps than they did "back then."  It's not just me anymore, and if my dreams fail, I have so much more to lose than I did when it was just me.  Every bit of the extra baggage (so to speak) is totally worth it and I wouldn't trade it for all of the conquered goals in the world.  I'm just realizing (yes just) that I've got to be better at prioritizing said goals and be a better planner when it comes to accomplishing them. 

One goal I've had since shortly after Emily died, was to start a Non-Profit Organization.  I've always been intrigued by the Non Profit sector and enjoyed volunteering for various organizations even before I had kids.  But, as I find myself at a point in my life where I'm not happy with what I'm doing currently and it's affecting my family life, I know now is the time I make a change.  I truly feel that I'm ready to start building my NPO, there's just one thing that's standing in my way.  FEAR.  I know that FAITH and FEAR cannot peacefully coexist (thank you Suzanne Stabile), but fear is an enemy that has grown on me like a nasty goiter as my life has evolved.  Mainly, it's the fear of the unknown, the fear of putting myself out there and getting rejected, and finally the fear that it will end up in complete and utter failure.  Lame I know, but all too real in my head.

Aside from my blogging, I have been keeping a journal of my ideas and dreams in hopes that they will become something one day and I will continue to pray for the strength and confidence to pull it off.  So, stay tuned and I will try not to let you down!

Revisiting the subject of lives evolving, we never know when the next tragic loss is going to occur.  These losses can be great or small, from jobs to friends, to death of pets, family members, etc.   And the effects these losses have on us can vary and be equally devastating to a person depending on where they are in their lives.   Last night, Barry's brother Kevin suddenly passed away from Kidney Failure.  Truth is, he was not in a happy place on this earth and had various health issues, but still had the heart of gold and does not make his loss any easier on those of us who were close to him.  The past day and half have been the start of what I am anticipating to be a very emotional roller coaster.  I'm am trying my best to be supportive to Barry as I can't imagine what he is feeling right now, but on one hand I just hate seeing him sad and my inner instinct wants to just fight off the sadness for him.  I know that isn't the healthy way to be supportive and I know that the real grief won't even begin for him until we arrive at his mom's tomorrow evening.  So I know I have to fight off my inner warrior of bad thoughts and just be there for Barry.

I have already spoken to Barry's mother, who is obviously very shaken up by the loss and I am very anxious about getting there to be with her.  Her first words to me were "you know, you've been through this" and I was honestly taken back for a second.  Then I realized that, no matter how old your child is (even though Kevin was 53), it's never ever easy to watch them suffer and to lose a battle for their life.  She also is experiencing the guilty feelings that I felt about Emily.  Guilt that she didn't do enough to help her son and that is something that only a mother can truly understand.

Finally, while I'm truly trying not to make this about ME, I am very scared about being put in this situation again and how I'm going to feel and react at the funeral.  I still have some very emotional flashbacks from Emily's funeral when I'm sitting in the Sanctuary at church, and I hope that I can hold it together for Barry's family.  And all while I'm also feeling so much sadness from losing Kevin.  "It just doesn't seem real."  Wow, those are words that are all too familiar and still so so fresh in my memory.  I just hope that I can open my heart and my mind to let myself "feel" this, as I'm finding myself creating small, senseless barricades that allow me to keep my feelings at bay.

Well, Seinfeld just came on, which means that it's midnight and past my bedtime.  I will leave you on these words that I found to be very encouraging today:  "We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:18)