I think we often use the expression "what did we ever do before cell phones and the internet??"  Well, I can tell you one thing, pregnant ladies probably stressed a WHOLE lot less!!  When I was pregnant with Hailey, my doctor jokingly told me to "stay off the internet" because I would freak myself out, and back then I didn't have NEAR the worries I have now!!!  Well, I found myself slamming the laptop shut a few days ago and telling myself "I trust my doctors and I feel 100% confident that they are the most familiar with my situation...why am I reading stuff about other people's situations?"  While I know that there is a lot of helpful sites with helpful information, the worst cases were the ones jumping out to me and making me more worries than anything.  So I decided to go into this week with a new, positive mindset. 

Today, I'm 13 weeks and entering in the second stage of pregnancy.  Typically, the 2nd trimester is the best stretch in a pregnancy: you're not so big where it's uncomfortable, you're usually done with the exhaustion and sickly-feeling, you do all the planning for baby's arrival, etc.  I'm going to do my best to embrace every positive moment of this pregnancy!!  I saw Dr. Ehmer today for my routine visit and it went smoothly.  HB is 157, which he winked at me and said "that's in the girl range...but don't get your hopes up!!"  If ONLY he knew...haha!!  He also said that after this 4 week stretch (I will be 17 weeks by then), I will start seeing him every 2 weeks (which is something you don't usually start doing until about 28 weeks) and he mentioned that Dr. Yost (the High Risk Specialist) wants to start monitoring me weekly after 20 weeks.  So the entire second half of my pregnancy will be VERY busy with appointments!!  Dr. Ehmer assured me that they are pulling out all the stops to keep us all at ease.  I mentioned to him that, while I am SO SO SO thankful of all they are doing to ensure a healthy pregnancy, I'm still concerned about after the baby is born!!  He is going to set me up with the Neonatalogist from the Baylor NICU...I think hearing what their plan of action will be post delivery will help ease my mind TREMENDOUSLY!!!

Yesterday was Emily's 6 month birthday...we have been through so much in 6 months but it still seems like just yesterday that that day was here.  I don't know why this milestone was so difficult for me.  I guess part of it is that it's half a year, and part of it is that is how old Hailey was when Emily was conceived.  I constantly find myself day dreaming about what she would look like now and what she would be doing.  She was such a strong little one and, even at a few days old she was trying to lift up her head and turn it when she would be lying on my chest.  I imagine that she would be sitting up and crawling (or close to it) by now.  Just seems so wrong to have to "wonder" what my daughter WOULD BE doing right now instead of watching her actually do these things!  That brings me to a verse that has been making it's presence a lot lately"

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " Jeremiah 29:11

I have decided to keep a journal of my pregnancy journey, and one day when this little nugget is old enough...I will share with she or he the story.  I browsed the journal section at Barnes and Noble and guess what was on the front of one of the first journals that I glanced at??  Yep, Jeremiah 29:11!  It also has a little pouch in the back for me to put all of the sonogram pictures...it couldn't have been more perfect!!

Hailey remains to be so wonderful...I get frustrated with the typical "toddler" behavior (the tantrums, the constantly getting into things, I could go on) but I HAVE to remind myself how thankful I am that she is here and healthy!!  She is just so amazing...her personality is nothing like I have ever seen in a 21 month old...with a little side of stubbornness (poor thing had no way around that though...seeing that both of her parents are very stubborn)!!

On a very sad note...one of our Pastors is nearing the end of his battle with Melanoma.  If you read back to the "road to hope" post a few months ago...you will see him referenced the night of Emily's journey to Heaven.  He was the Chaplain on duty at the hosptial and was truly a gift from God that night.  Shortly after helping with her funeral, he announced that his Melanoma (something he has successfully managed over the past several year) had entered into stage 4, in which there is no known treatement at this time and it has pretty much taken over his organs.  He is very open with his diagnosis and the fact that his days are now numbered.  It is something that has been very difficult on a lot of people within our church and has really weighed heavy on my heart the past week or so, since I learned that he has now handed over all of his pastoral duties and has accepted the care of Hospice.  He will always be such an inspiration to me.  Up until a month or so ago, he continued to visit church members in the hospital, acted as the hospital's chaplain and also for the police department.  Oh yeah...might I remind you that he is in his 80's and has been a retired Minister for a while...yet he has never given up his calling as a Pastor and helping people.  I know the next several weeks will be difficult and I only pray that he is free from pain.  I mustered up the courage to write him a letter...even though I had not the first clue on what to write somone who is so much more gifted at serving God and other people than I could ever imagine being.  I just want him to know how much of an impact he has had in mine and Barry's lives.

That's all I have for today. 

3 down...6 to go...

So I met with the High-Risk (Fetal Specialist) today and that was a bit scary and a bit comforting at the same time.  Sitting in the waiting room, I was so nervous, but as I looked around, I saw pregnant ladies all there for one reason or another.  Some young, some old, some big, some small...but they all have their own scary stories to share...so in a way it was a safe place.  No one complained about the aches and pains or "I'm just ready for this to be over with," but one by one women went in and came out with a smile and a sigh of relief...it made me glad to be there.  Once my turn came up and I got set up on the table ready for my big fancy sonogram, I could hardly control my anxiety.  I was shaking, tearing up, and had so many different emotions and "what-if's" running through my head.  As much as I hate bringing a toddler to my appointments, I was so relieved to have Hailey with me, even though she had no clue what was going on..haha! 

The MFM doctor (Maternal Fetal Medicine) came in and we chatted a bit about what had happened before and the Anticardiolipin Syndrome I was diagnosed with this pregnancy...she said a few comforting things about the approaches we are taking and a few precautionary things that scared me a little but that we will monitor over the next several months.  We walked through the sonogram and everything on baby measured out wonderfully...heart, spine, brain, nasal bone (an important indiciation of potential downs syndrome), etc.  Baby had a strong heartbeat of 167 BPM and he/she even waved for us!  One thing that concerned her was that my placenta was low (called Previa) which isn't too much to worry about at this gestation because it can still move, but she did tell me to restrict my physical activity and we will look more closely at 18 weeks.  She did another antibody screen (more blood) and will test my platlets as well, which will probably happen every time I visit with her (just call me pin cushion).  Some of these blood screens will indirectly test the blood flow of the baby (to test for fetal anemia) without ACTUALLY having to draw blood from the baby in utero, which is scary and dangerous!  Those results should all be back within a week.  Finally, she was very vague when I asked her to guess the sex...she said it was hard to tell from that particular angle (she was looking straight on and previously they have always looked from the side angle of the genitals at this gestation to guess the sex)...she said a lot of times girls can look like boys from that angle and said it looked a little like a boy...but not to hold her to that.  I still have a feeling it might be a girl, plus the heartrate was the same as Hailey and Emily's had been.  So we will see...I'm not giving up hope yet!!  The most important thing is that it's healthy.  I am trying not to think too much of it right now because my emotions are a little crazy today.  I know in my heart that I want another little girl...even though I know it will not replace Emily or her memories.  Also, all of my baby stuff is girly and I even have several outfits that Emily never wore, and it will just kill me to have to put all of that stuff away for good.  See, there I go thinking about it...I know I will love this baby no matter what and I just need to keep telling myself that.

Crazy how things can change in a year.  I just have to say how thankful I am for Western medicine and technology.  I know some people will argue that doctors who mess with the natural process of childbearing are playing "God" and it's not right...but in my mind, these doctors are God's little Angels who are practicing miracles on earth every day!

Love

So, I hesitate to blog sometimes because I don't want everyone who reads to have the impression that I am a major Debbie Downer and that all of my posts are about the same thing.  However, I realized that I have many different reasons for keeping an "online journal" so-to-speak.  Reason one is to inform.  Through Emily's birth, death, the grieving, the decision to have another baby and the journey that this has become, so many people have reached out to us, so much that I could never respond to each and every one.  Keeping a blog will help my efforts to reach out to everyone who has been so supportive.  Now, I'm not going to flatter myself and think that everyone wants to keep up to date on all the details of my life...so that leads me to my second reason for doing this.  I have been told by some very wise people that putting your feelings to words is the best way to work through hard times...so this allows me to channel all of my crazy thoughts going on in my head on a daily basis and put it all to something concrete.  That being said, to those of you who have continued to suffer through my writing...thank you for listening (or reading)!!

Going into another pregnancy so close to losing our newborn, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and by no means a quick fix, but there is absoutely no way to anticipate the roller coaster it actually has become.  At first, Barry didn't even want me to think about going down this road for AT LEAST a year (I finally got him to agree to DISCUSS it again at 6 months), but after the new year and meeting with Dr. Ehmer...there was no question in our minds that it was time to try it again.  I really am so thankful to be here, but it doesn't make the process any easier.  The reminders, the fears, the excitement of having a newborn again, and the worry that we will lose the memory of our precious angel...then there are the hormones to top it all off!!  It's all natural I'm sure, but it's something you NEVER expect to feel when you are expecting (they should write a separate version of the "What to Expect" series for mom's on this end of the process).  I can only imagine the emotions I will feel when I go in to deliver!! 

However, I have recently had some great opportunities to reflect and deal with my thoughts and emotions without having to worry about staying strong for someone.  One being the Women's Retreat with my church family.  It was a wonderful time to separate from being a wife, mom, housekeeper, etc and be spiritually uplifted.  I was able to have a few good cries without people judging...people really think you're crazy when you burst out in tears at the grocery store because you heard a baby cry, or passed by a happy mom with a little pink newborn, or even when people look over at a stop light and see you bawling because of whatever song came on...just to name a few!  I have also had a few girl outtings that have been soothing for my soul!! All steps in bebuilding my strength!

As far as news...I don't have much to update with.  My second prenatal appointment (3 weeks ago) went smoothly.  Baby was 9 1/2 weeks with a strong heartbeat (the MOST important thing in my mind).  However, on Wednesday (the 23rd), I have my first meeting with the Fetal Specialist for a screening that will look for any genetic abnormalities.  This is a test by choice but I'm still a little anxious about it.  I had it done with both of my previous pregnancies and it was a big weight off my shoulders to see that the baby was developing well.  However, I feel that it is important IF something is wrong, that I am aware of it so that I can be fully prepared (but I'm praying for the better of the 2 results!)  Previously, they have been able to "GUESS" the sex (they were right on both) so I'm hoping that might be a bonus...even though the bigger priority is making sure little "nugget" is healthy!!  That being said, the end of this week will be the close of my first-trimester... and my first milestone will have been met!

Now onto little Hailey (who really isn't so little anymore).  She's pushing 27 lbs and will have to face the harsh reality pretty soon that mommy can't hold her anymore!!  Even though she's a fiesty little toddler...she is still an amazing blessing in our lives.  We went to a family get-together in Longview yesterday and she proceeded to be the Belle of the Ball!!  Aunt Ann got her a little tutu dress and she danced and spun around while everyone took pictures of her.  Aunt Sue brought her an old kindergarten school desk that she LOVES as well as a porcelain princess doll that my great-grandmother had painted...she hugged and kissed it!!  Between those two Aunts, she is very spoiled at family gatherings...and I think she likes that!! :)

Well that's all for now, I'm using to today to recover from last week (boys were here for Spring Break) and I'm feeling like it might be time to join Hailey for a nap!  Hopefully I will be back on Wednesday with good news (that's me thinking positive, not trying to jinx it)!!!

Love, the Fords!