The reminders.

Every 28th of the month I think of the day Emily was born, counting how many months old she we would be and wondering what she would be doing now.  Then I spend the next 12 days feeling like I'm holding my breath....wishing that 12 days felt longer than it actually was, reliving the days we had with her, and wishing that the outcome were different.  However, on the 10th of every month, I am reminded that one more month separates us from her presence, her warmth, her cry, and I mourn her loss all over again...that dreadful day.  Today was that day.

I knew having another baby would not fix this pain, and I knew it would be an emotional struggle to go through...but I am so very very thankful for every day that goes by.  Finding out we are having another girl created an instant bond and attachment to her, but it also created a whirlwind of emotions.  I'm now able to look forward to September and another precious baby girl, but the excitement quickly turns to guilt when I begin to feel that I am "moving on" or that my excitement for one baby discounts the love I have for my lost baby.  My heart knows the truth, but my head is still very confused. 

Now that I'm at the "half-way" point, and knowing how quickly these last few months can go by stirs another emotional twister for me.  I can't even begin to describe how ready I am to hold my new baby girl and remember that feeling of instant love and devotion to someone so teeny.  However, that little thing called "FEAR" has moved in, set up shop and I don't see it leaving any time soon.  I want so badly to forget what COULD happen and just enjoy the ride of childbirth and all the HAPPY things that come with having a new baby.  But, the reality is I CAN'T...I don't get that luxury anymore.  Let me just say that I feel so sorry for those doctors and nurses who will be around during those days when Hope is born...because I think saying that I will be a "nervous wreck" is a huge understatement.  I have about 4 months to go and I'm already thinking of how I will make sure the house so sterile, free of toxins, germs, stale air, or anything and everything that could get her sick.  I just pray that at some point, I will be able to just trust and not worry that she's going to die...but I don't know that I am capable of that.  Most definitely not for those first 12 days.

Some days I wake up feeling a little bit stronger and some days my heart breaks all over again.

18 Week Update

So there's a few positive things about being in the high-risk pregnancy category.  One of them being the fact that any time I have any concerns, my doctors do anything and everything in their power to ease my mind...leaving very little to the imagination.  Obviously they can't tell me what the future holds and unfortunately I know what the future CAN bring...but at least I can rest confidently knowing that I am in THE BEST care!!  ***TMI WARNING***  Two weeks ago, I was having some concerning feelings "down there" so my OB immediately brought me in for a sonogram to measure my cervical lining.  Everything was just fine with my cervix, it just turns out that the body isn't quite the same on pregnancy number 3 as it was with the first!  How do these women have 19 kids and still walk...I MEAN REALLY??

So...the positive side of this visit was that I got a little sneak peak off the "goods" two weeks before scheduled...and guess what...ANOTHER GIRL!!!  This was confirmed again today when I had my big fancy "anatomical" ultrasound at the fetal specialist today...which the doctor gave her an A+ for her progress!!  Following Dr. Magee, I met with the Fetal Cardiologist who also gave her little bitty heart an A+!!  Clearly the sex of this baby ranked well below the desire for her to be healthy in priority...but I truly feel that God has begun to answer my prayers!!  Overall today was a good day and I have fallen so in love with this little baby!!!  I have and will continue to pray over and over again for God not to take her away, that I don't have to plan another baby's funeral, and that I get to watch her grow up!!  However, with the help of my wonderful doctors, I am feeling more and more at ease about it all.

I think for the rest of my life, with every happy moment, there will always be a touch of sadness.  For the past 7 months, I have quickly passed by all the baby stuff in Target while getting diapers for Hailey refusing to look in that direction becuase the reminder was just too painful.  The other day, I stopped and looked for a bit and it was the most bittersweet feeling.  A feeling I've experienced a lot lately...happiness that things are looking well for baby girl 3 but still hurting inside from the reminders of my little Emily.  I know that this little one will never ever replace my precious Emily but I feel like a part of her is coming back to us...as crazy as that may sound.

I was so anxious about meeting with a Fetal Cardiologist, which was a very unfamiliar territory for me and the fear of the unknown had consumed me.  However, my visit with her was probably the most informative and validating visit I've had yet!  Not only did she have great reports for baby girl 3's "beautiful heart", she also dug in great depth to Emily's reports and gave me a lot of insight.  She feels pretty certain that my antibody syndrome and the ABO incompatiblity could not have caused her to develop myocarditis...and that putting all her symptoms together that it truly must have been some severe infection she contracted that her little body wasn't able to fight.  That still breaks my heart to hear because I truly feel like I failed as a mother.  But looking forward to the positive end of that news, the chances of lightening striking again may be a lot lower even though they will continue to watch me like a hawk.  Again...bittersweet.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I feel very anxious to meet with the Neonatal team who will care for little peanut after she's born.  When I discussed this with Dr. Magee today (the Maternal Fetal Medicine dr), he explained that I would meet with them closer to 30 weeks or so (I'm in the middle of my 18th week now) and apparently the look on my face showed some concern because he paused for a bit and then said "you know what...would you like to meet with them now???"  This was the best gift he could have given me and he immediately had his people contact the NICU team and I'm set up to meet with them in two weeks!  They may secretly call me the irritating, high-maintenance patient...but I always feel so reassured after leaving their office and I love that!!

So...the number one name on the list right now is: HOPE!  I feel it's very fitting and appropriate, thus will truly make this journey "our road to our HOPE!!" :)