This year, we have a pretty serious garden going on.  We have planted squash of all kinds, tomatoes, cucumbers, melons, peppers, berries, herbs, among several other things.  The garden is something we (and by "we" I mean my personal gardner, Barry) must tend to every day.  It's amazing how tender these plants are, if they are planted too soon, over watered, underwatered, planted in the wrong soil, get the wrong amount of sunlight (I could go on and on and on)...they will not survive.  Sometimes we don't realize when we shop for things at the grocery store, how much work people have put into growing these vegetables.  It suddenly reminded me of how precious life can be and how similar it is. 

I officially now know more people who have either had trouble conceiving or who have had complications in one or more pregnancies and it makes me think back to how much I took my previous pregnancies for granted.  Of course I worried about little things back then, and of course we did have some issues come up after each baby was born...but the most important thing that I must remind myself, is that I have one daughter HERE and healthy (although, I will never ever stop worrying)!! :)

Along with losing Emily, observing what others who are close to me have been through has completely and 100% changed my life.  It has made me realize a few things:

1.  We are NOT in control:  As a woman and mother, this was probably the hardest concept for me to understand.  I have learned to trust that God has given me the knowledge and ability to do what I feel is right, and the rest will happen as it may.  Don't misunderstand me in the fact that I expect God to take care of everything while I kick my feet up and eat bon bons...I have a real problem with people who feel that they are "owed" things in life yet they never want to do or change anything themselves.  I am a firm believer that, since we do have free will, God plants within us power and knowledge to make the "right" decisions...yet there are some things beyond our given knowledge and power that He does control.  We may not always like the way things turn out, but we have to have faith and trust.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  I recently watched "Eat Pray Love" the movie and something someone said stuck with me..."You have to learn to surrender and just let [it] be" or something to that effect.

and...

2.  That I have decided to make a life committment to help others who have been through trauma and loss.  My first step...getting my butt back to school.  I know this is a crazy committment to make in the middle of having a child, raising a toddler, and still grieving myself and I know it's going to take some time, but I hope to work at getting my Master's or pHD in Psychology (have to work on pre-reqs first, have a baby and apply for the programs...phD vs masters is only about 1 more year but I have some time to weigh and decide) .  One thing God didn't bless me with is patience...so the fact that this will take some time and LOTS of dedication is going to be a great challenge...however, I feel 100% sure that this is what I am called to do.

and finally...

3.  If and when (yeah right) I win the lottery, after I take care of my family in a down to earth fashion (not talking about diamond studded diapers and Rolls Royces all around or anything)...I vow to give everything else to helping babies.  Better newborn screening, better care for sick babies, mothers who can't afford prenatal care, etc...

Check back in about 10 years, but I am going to work very hard at dedicating my life to fulfill these goals and live by my understanding that, if I do what I know is right...God will take care of the rest.

So the other day, I looked at pictures of Hailey from the very first pic after she was born until now (well not ALL of them but you get the idea)...it's only been 2 years (not even) and it's amazing how fast you forget.  The day my children were born will always be the happiest days of my life (please let this continue to be true), but it's amazing how such a painful experience can overpower all the happy memories.  Even though it wasn't that long ago, I have to remind myself what a joyful time it was the first few months after Hailey was born because I was robbed of all that the second time around...and I hate that I feel that way.  I wish there was some way I could have separate little cabinets in my mind...one for Hailey, one for Emily, and one for this little nugget.  But, since that's not possible, I work very hard at sorting out all of my emotions and this is something I'm prepared to work at the rest of my life.  Every time I am asked how many children I have or everytime I have to explain that this is not my second pregnancy or my second child, etc...I am faced with my reality.  However, I refuse to omit the fact that I have three children and I am fully comfortable in sharing my experience...I just worry how others handle me talking about it sometimes!

The hardest thing for a woman, especially a mother to do is accept that we are not in control.  But, once we do, it's almost comforting...hard but comforting to let go and wait.  That's all I can do at this point.