Words cannot express the amount of love we have felt over the past few days and how grateful we are for each and every one of your comments, messages, and most of all your thoughts and prayers.  I wish I could personally thank and hug every single one of you, but hopefully you all will feel our love received and equally given in return!! 

I imagined how this week would play out...but obviously could not have fully predicted the events and the emotions of actually going through it.  The delivery process was nearly perfect...we checked in around 6am and got settled.  My cervix was still pretty far back and so I spent the morning on pitocin letting it soften...broke my water around lunch time and less than 3 hours later Hope was here (Dr. Ehmer literally had to sprint from his office accross the street and made it in the room just in time to catch her coming out), went all natural again (painful but can't beat the recovery), and Hope never showed any signs of stress.  She came out crying and eyes open...dr put her on my chest and she was looking right at me and I was in immediately in love.  She wrapped her little hands around my IV lines as if she were telling me "I'm not letting you go mommy!!"  As planned, the NICU team was waiting, and after everyone got to see her...they took her up to fully check her over. 

Now, as I have mentioned before...with Hailey and with Emily, we had an issue with ABO incompatibility.  I have O+ blood type and Barry is A+...both H and E had Barry's blood type when posed a problem after delivery (and apparently partly in utero that we never really knew about)...which is why I was monitored so closely for fetal anemia this time around (here's a little bit of info if anyone is interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemolytic_disease_of_the_newborn_(ABO)).  We had already prepared ourselves that Hope would have the same issue, which is why she went straight to the NICU to have her blood type checked out and then a treatment plan would be put into place (which, given that my antibodies grow stronger with each pregnancy...would have most likely included a blood tranfusion/exchange).  AFter patiently waiting for the results...the nurse came back and told us she was O+ like me...I nearly fell to the floor (literally).  This was an answered prayer and TRULY a miracle!!  No tanning lights (phototherapy), IV's, and most importantly...no long NICU stay!!  As I type this, 3 days later...I still can hardly believe it!!  This means that, somewhere in Barry's bloodtype, there is an O that allowed her to get my blood type...thank you LORD!!!  This means that Hope's immune system is not compromised as it would be if she had the difference in bloodtypes and that one little scare we had a few weeks ago with the anemia was most likely due to something I ate or stress or something because every sonogram following that one was perfectly normal!!  "HOPE" could not be a more fitting name for our little miracle baby.  We gave all our "hope" (meaning of hope is: trust/faith) into this pregnancy and so far, it has truly came through for us. 

Naturally, all of my fears are not totally gone and I am still scared that, at any minute, this precious life could be taken from us...and I wish that I did not feel this way.  Everything about bringing Hope home seems so familiar to Emily.  The last time I held and cared for a newborn was with Emily, it was the same time of year...it's just all SOOOO the same but yet so different.  I was terrified to leave the hospital knowing she's only 2 days old and we're headed out into this scary world.  Every speck of dirt, every cough, every little hand that touches her or breathes in her direction scares the "you know what" out of me.  I want so badly to put her in a bubble for the next month or so...or at least until she makes it to two weeks and maybe I will feel a little more relieved (a point we never got to with Emily).  Deep down, I feel HOPEful and trust that she will not be going anywhere...but I still find myself staring at her and begging God not to take her away...but if I have learned anything, it has made me cherish EVERY minute with her and I just love this little baby so very much. 

Hailey has been such a wonderful big sister.  She is so protective and wants everyone to know that Hope is HER sister!!  Her awareness is so different from last year...I was curious to see if she would understand that the Hope that was in my tummy is the same Hope that she can now see...and she caught on very quickly!  I just love it.  I can honestly say that this is the happiest I have been in almost a year...nothing else seems to matter at this point and I don't want this feeling to go away!  But no matter what...Emily is still close in my heart, and even though I'm still working through my feelings of comparing last year to this year...I feel like Emily is watching over us and her little sister, Hope!

So one question I have been asked often (well ever since I've started to "look" pregnant and obviously when Hailey isn't with me), is "is this your first baby??"  The conversations usually go from here: 

Me: "no, this is my third." 
Other person:  "oh wow, how old are your other children?" or "do you have boys or girls?"....something along these lines.

Again, the dreaded openers to the conversations I will forever have to face when discussing my children. 

Here we are in September, the cooler weather blew in this week and with it came so many reminders and emotions.  At this exact time last year, I was preparing for Emily's arrival.  I had the same discomforts and sleepless nights as I have now...but the emotional ride is far from being the same.  I think about Emily every single day, but just the smell of the cooler air takes me back to (almost) one year ago when she became a part of our little family.  The smell also reminds me of the pain and heartache we endured...and while it has gotten easier...has stayed with us the past 11 months.  We should be preparing to celebrate her first birthday in just under 3 weeks.  We should be watching her learn how to walk and follow her big sister around...wondering where the past year has gone.  Instead, we plan to light a candle and say a prayer in her memory... and all we have to look at are her pictures of her 12 days on earth and her ashes.

One year later, and we are preparing for the arrival of our third daughter...not to replace our Emily, but to carry on her legacy...to put a little band aid over our broken hearts...and to put a little rainbow back in our gray sky. 

This will be the last time I write before her arrival (scheduled for induction on September 21, which is 12 days from today), therefore the last time I write during this pregnancy.  Thank you to those who have followed and kept us all in your thoughts the past year and also through this pregnancy.  Most of you know that this pregnancy has not been an easy ride...both physically and emotionally, but I am so thankful to say that, with every challenge we have faced...we have been able to overcome it.  I am coming up on 37 weeks, which in a technical sense, that is considered full-term.  So now, whatever happens I feel more at ease and will now be turning everything over to God and our doctors.  I have zero complaints about the team of doctors who we have been working with the past 9 months and have been amazed at how caring and cautious they have been with our situation. 

Obviously, my fears have not gone away and I am still terrified that we will not get to see another one of our little girls grow up...but I have faith.  And, if I have learned anything from the past year...it is that you cannot give up on faith.  As I reflect back on my post from January...I can truly now call this our road to HOPE!

I pray that I will have good news to report in the coming weeks.  But, please take time on September 28th to remember a little baby who is very special to me...who will be celebrating her first birthday up in Heaven.

What a whirlwind the past few days have been! It is amazing what 4 days and a LOT of prayers can do!!! Last Thursday, Hope's weekly ultrasound showed that her blood flow had increased...meaning she was showing signs of fetal anemia. This was confirmed with a fetal echo that showed her heart output Had significantly increased. Needless to say, this put us in a little bit of a panic!! I had a follow up today to see how the anemia was progressing and a decision would be made from here to how we would carry out the remaining few weeks. Well...amazingly enough, her numbers were completely normal today...as if nothing were ever wrong!! The doctors couldn't explain it, but I have no doubt that it had everything to do with God's amaizing Grace!

I have always believed in the power of prayer and God's work...but there is no doubt that my faith has been put to the test a LOT lately!! However, it's little miracles like this that leave me no doubt of His existence and that He has a hand in all things!

However, I know things aren't completely safe and probably won't feel that way until she's several months old...but I'm going to continue to have the ultrasounds every few days to monitor the situation. If things change, we will go from there...but until then we are back on track for September 21! 30 days in counting....yay!!!!!

Thank you once again for all of your kind thoughts and support...and sorry for the scare!! :)

This entired pregnancy has been somewhat of a surreal and "out of body experience" it seems.  At first, I was a little afraid to fully grasp the idea of being pregnant again in case something went wrong.  And now that we are nearing the end...I am definitely excited but anxious at the same time.  Since I had no apparent issues in my pregnancy with Emily, it's the birth and beyond that I am most scared of...until now!!  Now, for the most part this pregnancy has gone by just as smoothly (aside from the shots and glucose scare) and I am most thankful for that.  Since 24 weeks gestation, I have gone to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist each week for a level II sonogram to measure baby's growth and bloodflow to organs to check for fetal anemia.  Each week the numbers have been normal and Hope has shown no signs of any problems.  Yesterday, that began to change...33 weeks 5 days.  Anemia is essentially a lack of red blood cells, which transport oxygen from the heart...therefore the heart works harder to overcompensate.  This can also cause the heart to enlarge, muscles to thicken, and even leak fluid from valves...none of these things were present (which is good) but her heart production has increased which shows that she is developing fetal anemia. 

We were made aware that Hailey was slightly anemic after she was born, due to the ABO Incompatibility (different blood types that don't "Jive") and was missed with Emily (even though she did have the ABO Incompatibility and Jaundice issue...I feel certain the hospital where she was born was not as knowledged as Baylor was), and most likely Hope is dealing with the same issue...we just have a handle on it at an earlier time...which again I am most thankful for. 

I go back on Monday to see if there has been any progression and will plan to be there every few days to keep an even closer eye on things.  Obviously, depending on the progression (if any), a decision will be made for either an earlier delivery or a Fetal Transfusion (scary sounding but it can buy us more time to get closer to the 38 week mark). 

Sure, we hope for the "everything looks normal" report each time we go, but I am thankful for my doctors who are taking such good care of us and have no doubt that they will do what is best for Hope.  I know that IF she does have to be delivered earlier, that she will be OK and in good hands and that makes me even more thankful that we have gotten this far with no problems. 

Not only is it scary to know that things are "normal" but to know that my body is the one trying to fight her's and causing things to not be normal makes me feel so helpless!

It is no exaggeration that the past 10 months have been extremely emotional for us.  From the birth of our second daughter to her death, and then making the decision to have another baby so soon and all of the things that has entailed...it has been one heck of a ride.  On January 17 of this year, I discovered I was pregnant again, only 3 months and 3 days since the death of our little Emily.  In the weeks following Emily's death, I knew that I wanted to have another baby...the question was: "when?"  B did not want me to even think about it for a while...we agreed we'd discuss it again in 6 months.  The Holidays brought on a great deal of difficulty in the grieving process and it was then that I began digging into the details trying to find out what went wrong.  After meeting with Dr. Ehmer, an OB who has a lot of experience in dealing with women who have suffered losses, after the first of the year and having him reassure me that I COULD go on to have a healthy baby...we knew in our hearts it was time to give it a shot. 

After finding out I was pregnant, followed by finding out about the anticardiolipin syndrome, the twice daily shots, the hesitation for excitment "just in case", continuing to grieve the loss of Emily, etc...etc...etc...we can now see the light at the end of the tunnel!!  All along I have set little milestones, and each time we reach a milestone...I feel a little bit more relieved and a little bit more excited.  Last week, we reached 30 weeks and with that came time to schedule my induction date!!!  With A LOT of monitoring from 2 different doctors, the goal has been to get me to 38 weeks, and then get Hope here and into the nursery to make sure she is healthy and that we will not have a repeat of last year...GOD WILLING!!!!  

Obviously, God plays a much bigger role in all of this than myself and even the doctors...so I just maintain my faith that I will get to watch Hope grow up a healthy little girl!!  We now have a date to look forward to...September 21 and I am soooo ready and soo excited!!  However, my anxiety is still there and I know that anything can happen....but I am so ready for things to play out and to meet my little rainbow baby, Hope!!

So I realize that this post may start out extremely cheesy and nostalgic...but I promise I have a good point, so bear with me! :)

Open pity party:  So B has been traveling A LOT lately during the week, and combined with my summer homework load, a two-year old, and oh yeah...being pregnant, needless to say I've been a little down in the dumps lately.  On top of it all, it's coming down to the wire with the pregnancy and my anxiety level has been a little on the high side.  So...as I was driving home from the grocery store the other day, a song came on the radio that I turned up and sang to freely.  It was a song that made me think of summers as a teenager and for a moment, I warped back to that time...feeling carefree (for the most part) and just soaking up every moment of life.  Back before I really knew what stress and worry was.  Looking back, I could say that it was a selfish time...but for this moment that I was singing away in the car...I felt FREE!  Once the song ended I warped back into the present and started analyzing my life...wondering "would it just be easier if things were as simple and carefree as they were back then?"

The truth is, and it didn't take me long to realize this, that I would not change one bit of my life.  The trials and tribulations of my life have most certainly left battle wounds on my heart...but more importantly, they have made me into the person I am today.  Life as an adult, mother, wife, etc, may not always be happy and carefree...but my heart is bigger and warmer.  I always want to work at being a better person...but I know that my life's path has made me appreciate that.  I think of the Grinch's heart growing 10 (or however many) sizes and I can apply that to this as well.  Sure I had love when I was a teenager, but my love has grown 10 sizes and will forever grow as long as I let it. 

I think of how easy it would have been to just give up after Emily died...but I feel in my heart that she wouldn't want that so I have to keep going for my family...and for me!  Her death will always be a part of me and will always be a scar on my heart, but as I work through my healing, I am finally able to accept it.  I know that I would not have traded the moments I spent with her for anything in the world and I will always have those.  I'm not totally healed, I don't think I will EVER be, but I have come a long way.  My husband, my daughters, and my family ARE MY WORLD and I would never wish my life to be any different...but sometimes it does feel good to turn the music up and sing! :)

“The grieving heart speaks a language the mortal heart has no way to understand.”

These are words that, just nine months ago today, I did not fully understand. However, a few days later it became a reality. Nine months is another entity of time that is difficult to endure for me (like 6 months that I mentioned in an earlier post). In nine months, a woman can have a baby and nine months is only three months shy of one year. To a grieving mother, nine months can seem like a life-time, but in some ways nine months ago seems like just yesterday. Thankfully, I have not had to go through the grieving alone and even some of those who don’t fully understand what it means to grieve, have provided an excellent support. Unfortunately, there are others in which the language was too difficult to overcome and have fissled out of my life and this has been difficult for me over the past few months.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but over the past few months, the fact that we will be having another little one very soon is becoming more of a reality. Doctor visits are going well. I am seeing my OB every couple of weeks as well as weekly sonograms with the Fetal Specialist to measure Hope’s blood flow and size. Back in May, we met with the Neonatologist and toured the NICU, a trip that was very bittersweet. The last time I was in a labor and delivery and NICU area was when Emily was born and the last time I was in a hospital at all was when Emily died. However, we were there for our future. I realized then, that this would be the very place where our past would meet our future. Now again I will say that we will not be leaving Emily’s memory behind, but blending the pain of losing our last child with cherishing our new baby and praying for her survival.  Learning, yet again, a new "normal," which seems to be a common trend when there is loss. These are the emotional struggles I am attempting to deal with today. I miss Emily very much and these timely reminders are very painful, but on the other hand, I am so excited and so ready for Hope to be born and to have another chance. I also know that Hope will be born around the time of Emily’s first birthday, and every time I play it out in my head, I cry.  The power of prayer and the support of many friends and family is what I can count on to get me through!  We are already planning to have Hope "blessed" in the hospital when she is born...this is important for me because we never got the opportunity to Baptize Emily.  And I know that we will be surrounded with family.  I can't ask for more.

Our summer Bible Study is Max Lucado’s “Fearless.” A book written to encourage Christians to live life without fear, and I think this couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am guilty of living in fear every day. Fear of my family’s well-being and survival, and fear for our little Hope’s health. I want so badly to see her grow up, something I was robbed from with Emily. I hope to embrace this study in order to overcome some of those fears.

School has kept me busy this summer and has been a great motivation and distraction for me. Unfortunately, my doctor does not want me to travel long distances because I am high risk for preterm delivery, so we had to cancel our Florida trip this month. This was a big bummer, but obviously it’s better to be safe than sorry!

At this very moment, I am sitting in the waiting room of the OB waiting for my 4th drawing of blood. My one-hour glucose tolerance test came back abnormal, so I was lucky enough to come back for the three-hour test. Fasting since midnight, one blood draw at 8:42, chugging glucola (ick), blood draw at 9:42, 10:42, and waiting for the final draw at 11:42 then I will be running out of here so fast to get something to eat!! Today is also Hailey’s second birthday. This afternoon, some of her little friends will be coming over to swim and eat birthday cake! I have issues with big birthday “to-dos” every year when kids are so young that they will not remember and just get overstimulated. Her first birthday was somewhat of a big deal, but mostly laid back and I can guarantee if I asked, she would want just what we are doing: family celebration and having her favorite little friends come over to swim!!

Well, I have 10 minutes left until my last blood draw and then I’m outta here…so I will wrap this one up until next time!

Third-trimester…let the countdown begin!

The reminders.

Every 28th of the month I think of the day Emily was born, counting how many months old she we would be and wondering what she would be doing now.  Then I spend the next 12 days feeling like I'm holding my breath....wishing that 12 days felt longer than it actually was, reliving the days we had with her, and wishing that the outcome were different.  However, on the 10th of every month, I am reminded that one more month separates us from her presence, her warmth, her cry, and I mourn her loss all over again...that dreadful day.  Today was that day.

I knew having another baby would not fix this pain, and I knew it would be an emotional struggle to go through...but I am so very very thankful for every day that goes by.  Finding out we are having another girl created an instant bond and attachment to her, but it also created a whirlwind of emotions.  I'm now able to look forward to September and another precious baby girl, but the excitement quickly turns to guilt when I begin to feel that I am "moving on" or that my excitement for one baby discounts the love I have for my lost baby.  My heart knows the truth, but my head is still very confused. 

Now that I'm at the "half-way" point, and knowing how quickly these last few months can go by stirs another emotional twister for me.  I can't even begin to describe how ready I am to hold my new baby girl and remember that feeling of instant love and devotion to someone so teeny.  However, that little thing called "FEAR" has moved in, set up shop and I don't see it leaving any time soon.  I want so badly to forget what COULD happen and just enjoy the ride of childbirth and all the HAPPY things that come with having a new baby.  But, the reality is I CAN'T...I don't get that luxury anymore.  Let me just say that I feel so sorry for those doctors and nurses who will be around during those days when Hope is born...because I think saying that I will be a "nervous wreck" is a huge understatement.  I have about 4 months to go and I'm already thinking of how I will make sure the house so sterile, free of toxins, germs, stale air, or anything and everything that could get her sick.  I just pray that at some point, I will be able to just trust and not worry that she's going to die...but I don't know that I am capable of that.  Most definitely not for those first 12 days.

Some days I wake up feeling a little bit stronger and some days my heart breaks all over again.

18 Week Update

So there's a few positive things about being in the high-risk pregnancy category.  One of them being the fact that any time I have any concerns, my doctors do anything and everything in their power to ease my mind...leaving very little to the imagination.  Obviously they can't tell me what the future holds and unfortunately I know what the future CAN bring...but at least I can rest confidently knowing that I am in THE BEST care!!  ***TMI WARNING***  Two weeks ago, I was having some concerning feelings "down there" so my OB immediately brought me in for a sonogram to measure my cervical lining.  Everything was just fine with my cervix, it just turns out that the body isn't quite the same on pregnancy number 3 as it was with the first!  How do these women have 19 kids and still walk...I MEAN REALLY??

So...the positive side of this visit was that I got a little sneak peak off the "goods" two weeks before scheduled...and guess what...ANOTHER GIRL!!!  This was confirmed again today when I had my big fancy "anatomical" ultrasound at the fetal specialist today...which the doctor gave her an A+ for her progress!!  Following Dr. Magee, I met with the Fetal Cardiologist who also gave her little bitty heart an A+!!  Clearly the sex of this baby ranked well below the desire for her to be healthy in priority...but I truly feel that God has begun to answer my prayers!!  Overall today was a good day and I have fallen so in love with this little baby!!!  I have and will continue to pray over and over again for God not to take her away, that I don't have to plan another baby's funeral, and that I get to watch her grow up!!  However, with the help of my wonderful doctors, I am feeling more and more at ease about it all.

I think for the rest of my life, with every happy moment, there will always be a touch of sadness.  For the past 7 months, I have quickly passed by all the baby stuff in Target while getting diapers for Hailey refusing to look in that direction becuase the reminder was just too painful.  The other day, I stopped and looked for a bit and it was the most bittersweet feeling.  A feeling I've experienced a lot lately...happiness that things are looking well for baby girl 3 but still hurting inside from the reminders of my little Emily.  I know that this little one will never ever replace my precious Emily but I feel like a part of her is coming back to us...as crazy as that may sound.

I was so anxious about meeting with a Fetal Cardiologist, which was a very unfamiliar territory for me and the fear of the unknown had consumed me.  However, my visit with her was probably the most informative and validating visit I've had yet!  Not only did she have great reports for baby girl 3's "beautiful heart", she also dug in great depth to Emily's reports and gave me a lot of insight.  She feels pretty certain that my antibody syndrome and the ABO incompatiblity could not have caused her to develop myocarditis...and that putting all her symptoms together that it truly must have been some severe infection she contracted that her little body wasn't able to fight.  That still breaks my heart to hear because I truly feel like I failed as a mother.  But looking forward to the positive end of that news, the chances of lightening striking again may be a lot lower even though they will continue to watch me like a hawk.  Again...bittersweet.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I feel very anxious to meet with the Neonatal team who will care for little peanut after she's born.  When I discussed this with Dr. Magee today (the Maternal Fetal Medicine dr), he explained that I would meet with them closer to 30 weeks or so (I'm in the middle of my 18th week now) and apparently the look on my face showed some concern because he paused for a bit and then said "you know what...would you like to meet with them now???"  This was the best gift he could have given me and he immediately had his people contact the NICU team and I'm set up to meet with them in two weeks!  They may secretly call me the irritating, high-maintenance patient...but I always feel so reassured after leaving their office and I love that!!

So...the number one name on the list right now is: HOPE!  I feel it's very fitting and appropriate, thus will truly make this journey "our road to our HOPE!!" :)

This year, we have a pretty serious garden going on.  We have planted squash of all kinds, tomatoes, cucumbers, melons, peppers, berries, herbs, among several other things.  The garden is something we (and by "we" I mean my personal gardner, Barry) must tend to every day.  It's amazing how tender these plants are, if they are planted too soon, over watered, underwatered, planted in the wrong soil, get the wrong amount of sunlight (I could go on and on and on)...they will not survive.  Sometimes we don't realize when we shop for things at the grocery store, how much work people have put into growing these vegetables.  It suddenly reminded me of how precious life can be and how similar it is. 

I officially now know more people who have either had trouble conceiving or who have had complications in one or more pregnancies and it makes me think back to how much I took my previous pregnancies for granted.  Of course I worried about little things back then, and of course we did have some issues come up after each baby was born...but the most important thing that I must remind myself, is that I have one daughter HERE and healthy (although, I will never ever stop worrying)!! :)

Along with losing Emily, observing what others who are close to me have been through has completely and 100% changed my life.  It has made me realize a few things:

1.  We are NOT in control:  As a woman and mother, this was probably the hardest concept for me to understand.  I have learned to trust that God has given me the knowledge and ability to do what I feel is right, and the rest will happen as it may.  Don't misunderstand me in the fact that I expect God to take care of everything while I kick my feet up and eat bon bons...I have a real problem with people who feel that they are "owed" things in life yet they never want to do or change anything themselves.  I am a firm believer that, since we do have free will, God plants within us power and knowledge to make the "right" decisions...yet there are some things beyond our given knowledge and power that He does control.  We may not always like the way things turn out, but we have to have faith and trust.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  I recently watched "Eat Pray Love" the movie and something someone said stuck with me..."You have to learn to surrender and just let [it] be" or something to that effect.

and...

2.  That I have decided to make a life committment to help others who have been through trauma and loss.  My first step...getting my butt back to school.  I know this is a crazy committment to make in the middle of having a child, raising a toddler, and still grieving myself and I know it's going to take some time, but I hope to work at getting my Master's or pHD in Psychology (have to work on pre-reqs first, have a baby and apply for the programs...phD vs masters is only about 1 more year but I have some time to weigh and decide) .  One thing God didn't bless me with is patience...so the fact that this will take some time and LOTS of dedication is going to be a great challenge...however, I feel 100% sure that this is what I am called to do.

and finally...

3.  If and when (yeah right) I win the lottery, after I take care of my family in a down to earth fashion (not talking about diamond studded diapers and Rolls Royces all around or anything)...I vow to give everything else to helping babies.  Better newborn screening, better care for sick babies, mothers who can't afford prenatal care, etc...

Check back in about 10 years, but I am going to work very hard at dedicating my life to fulfill these goals and live by my understanding that, if I do what I know is right...God will take care of the rest.

So the other day, I looked at pictures of Hailey from the very first pic after she was born until now (well not ALL of them but you get the idea)...it's only been 2 years (not even) and it's amazing how fast you forget.  The day my children were born will always be the happiest days of my life (please let this continue to be true), but it's amazing how such a painful experience can overpower all the happy memories.  Even though it wasn't that long ago, I have to remind myself what a joyful time it was the first few months after Hailey was born because I was robbed of all that the second time around...and I hate that I feel that way.  I wish there was some way I could have separate little cabinets in my mind...one for Hailey, one for Emily, and one for this little nugget.  But, since that's not possible, I work very hard at sorting out all of my emotions and this is something I'm prepared to work at the rest of my life.  Every time I am asked how many children I have or everytime I have to explain that this is not my second pregnancy or my second child, etc...I am faced with my reality.  However, I refuse to omit the fact that I have three children and I am fully comfortable in sharing my experience...I just worry how others handle me talking about it sometimes!

The hardest thing for a woman, especially a mother to do is accept that we are not in control.  But, once we do, it's almost comforting...hard but comforting to let go and wait.  That's all I can do at this point.

I think we often use the expression "what did we ever do before cell phones and the internet??"  Well, I can tell you one thing, pregnant ladies probably stressed a WHOLE lot less!!  When I was pregnant with Hailey, my doctor jokingly told me to "stay off the internet" because I would freak myself out, and back then I didn't have NEAR the worries I have now!!!  Well, I found myself slamming the laptop shut a few days ago and telling myself "I trust my doctors and I feel 100% confident that they are the most familiar with my situation...why am I reading stuff about other people's situations?"  While I know that there is a lot of helpful sites with helpful information, the worst cases were the ones jumping out to me and making me more worries than anything.  So I decided to go into this week with a new, positive mindset. 

Today, I'm 13 weeks and entering in the second stage of pregnancy.  Typically, the 2nd trimester is the best stretch in a pregnancy: you're not so big where it's uncomfortable, you're usually done with the exhaustion and sickly-feeling, you do all the planning for baby's arrival, etc.  I'm going to do my best to embrace every positive moment of this pregnancy!!  I saw Dr. Ehmer today for my routine visit and it went smoothly.  HB is 157, which he winked at me and said "that's in the girl range...but don't get your hopes up!!"  If ONLY he knew...haha!!  He also said that after this 4 week stretch (I will be 17 weeks by then), I will start seeing him every 2 weeks (which is something you don't usually start doing until about 28 weeks) and he mentioned that Dr. Yost (the High Risk Specialist) wants to start monitoring me weekly after 20 weeks.  So the entire second half of my pregnancy will be VERY busy with appointments!!  Dr. Ehmer assured me that they are pulling out all the stops to keep us all at ease.  I mentioned to him that, while I am SO SO SO thankful of all they are doing to ensure a healthy pregnancy, I'm still concerned about after the baby is born!!  He is going to set me up with the Neonatalogist from the Baylor NICU...I think hearing what their plan of action will be post delivery will help ease my mind TREMENDOUSLY!!!

Yesterday was Emily's 6 month birthday...we have been through so much in 6 months but it still seems like just yesterday that that day was here.  I don't know why this milestone was so difficult for me.  I guess part of it is that it's half a year, and part of it is that is how old Hailey was when Emily was conceived.  I constantly find myself day dreaming about what she would look like now and what she would be doing.  She was such a strong little one and, even at a few days old she was trying to lift up her head and turn it when she would be lying on my chest.  I imagine that she would be sitting up and crawling (or close to it) by now.  Just seems so wrong to have to "wonder" what my daughter WOULD BE doing right now instead of watching her actually do these things!  That brings me to a verse that has been making it's presence a lot lately"

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " Jeremiah 29:11

I have decided to keep a journal of my pregnancy journey, and one day when this little nugget is old enough...I will share with she or he the story.  I browsed the journal section at Barnes and Noble and guess what was on the front of one of the first journals that I glanced at??  Yep, Jeremiah 29:11!  It also has a little pouch in the back for me to put all of the sonogram pictures...it couldn't have been more perfect!!

Hailey remains to be so wonderful...I get frustrated with the typical "toddler" behavior (the tantrums, the constantly getting into things, I could go on) but I HAVE to remind myself how thankful I am that she is here and healthy!!  She is just so amazing...her personality is nothing like I have ever seen in a 21 month old...with a little side of stubbornness (poor thing had no way around that though...seeing that both of her parents are very stubborn)!!

On a very sad note...one of our Pastors is nearing the end of his battle with Melanoma.  If you read back to the "road to hope" post a few months ago...you will see him referenced the night of Emily's journey to Heaven.  He was the Chaplain on duty at the hosptial and was truly a gift from God that night.  Shortly after helping with her funeral, he announced that his Melanoma (something he has successfully managed over the past several year) had entered into stage 4, in which there is no known treatement at this time and it has pretty much taken over his organs.  He is very open with his diagnosis and the fact that his days are now numbered.  It is something that has been very difficult on a lot of people within our church and has really weighed heavy on my heart the past week or so, since I learned that he has now handed over all of his pastoral duties and has accepted the care of Hospice.  He will always be such an inspiration to me.  Up until a month or so ago, he continued to visit church members in the hospital, acted as the hospital's chaplain and also for the police department.  Oh yeah...might I remind you that he is in his 80's and has been a retired Minister for a while...yet he has never given up his calling as a Pastor and helping people.  I know the next several weeks will be difficult and I only pray that he is free from pain.  I mustered up the courage to write him a letter...even though I had not the first clue on what to write somone who is so much more gifted at serving God and other people than I could ever imagine being.  I just want him to know how much of an impact he has had in mine and Barry's lives.

That's all I have for today. 

3 down...6 to go...

So I met with the High-Risk (Fetal Specialist) today and that was a bit scary and a bit comforting at the same time.  Sitting in the waiting room, I was so nervous, but as I looked around, I saw pregnant ladies all there for one reason or another.  Some young, some old, some big, some small...but they all have their own scary stories to share...so in a way it was a safe place.  No one complained about the aches and pains or "I'm just ready for this to be over with," but one by one women went in and came out with a smile and a sigh of relief...it made me glad to be there.  Once my turn came up and I got set up on the table ready for my big fancy sonogram, I could hardly control my anxiety.  I was shaking, tearing up, and had so many different emotions and "what-if's" running through my head.  As much as I hate bringing a toddler to my appointments, I was so relieved to have Hailey with me, even though she had no clue what was going on..haha! 

The MFM doctor (Maternal Fetal Medicine) came in and we chatted a bit about what had happened before and the Anticardiolipin Syndrome I was diagnosed with this pregnancy...she said a few comforting things about the approaches we are taking and a few precautionary things that scared me a little but that we will monitor over the next several months.  We walked through the sonogram and everything on baby measured out wonderfully...heart, spine, brain, nasal bone (an important indiciation of potential downs syndrome), etc.  Baby had a strong heartbeat of 167 BPM and he/she even waved for us!  One thing that concerned her was that my placenta was low (called Previa) which isn't too much to worry about at this gestation because it can still move, but she did tell me to restrict my physical activity and we will look more closely at 18 weeks.  She did another antibody screen (more blood) and will test my platlets as well, which will probably happen every time I visit with her (just call me pin cushion).  Some of these blood screens will indirectly test the blood flow of the baby (to test for fetal anemia) without ACTUALLY having to draw blood from the baby in utero, which is scary and dangerous!  Those results should all be back within a week.  Finally, she was very vague when I asked her to guess the sex...she said it was hard to tell from that particular angle (she was looking straight on and previously they have always looked from the side angle of the genitals at this gestation to guess the sex)...she said a lot of times girls can look like boys from that angle and said it looked a little like a boy...but not to hold her to that.  I still have a feeling it might be a girl, plus the heartrate was the same as Hailey and Emily's had been.  So we will see...I'm not giving up hope yet!!  The most important thing is that it's healthy.  I am trying not to think too much of it right now because my emotions are a little crazy today.  I know in my heart that I want another little girl...even though I know it will not replace Emily or her memories.  Also, all of my baby stuff is girly and I even have several outfits that Emily never wore, and it will just kill me to have to put all of that stuff away for good.  See, there I go thinking about it...I know I will love this baby no matter what and I just need to keep telling myself that.

Crazy how things can change in a year.  I just have to say how thankful I am for Western medicine and technology.  I know some people will argue that doctors who mess with the natural process of childbearing are playing "God" and it's not right...but in my mind, these doctors are God's little Angels who are practicing miracles on earth every day!

Love

So, I hesitate to blog sometimes because I don't want everyone who reads to have the impression that I am a major Debbie Downer and that all of my posts are about the same thing.  However, I realized that I have many different reasons for keeping an "online journal" so-to-speak.  Reason one is to inform.  Through Emily's birth, death, the grieving, the decision to have another baby and the journey that this has become, so many people have reached out to us, so much that I could never respond to each and every one.  Keeping a blog will help my efforts to reach out to everyone who has been so supportive.  Now, I'm not going to flatter myself and think that everyone wants to keep up to date on all the details of my life...so that leads me to my second reason for doing this.  I have been told by some very wise people that putting your feelings to words is the best way to work through hard times...so this allows me to channel all of my crazy thoughts going on in my head on a daily basis and put it all to something concrete.  That being said, to those of you who have continued to suffer through my writing...thank you for listening (or reading)!!

Going into another pregnancy so close to losing our newborn, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and by no means a quick fix, but there is absoutely no way to anticipate the roller coaster it actually has become.  At first, Barry didn't even want me to think about going down this road for AT LEAST a year (I finally got him to agree to DISCUSS it again at 6 months), but after the new year and meeting with Dr. Ehmer...there was no question in our minds that it was time to try it again.  I really am so thankful to be here, but it doesn't make the process any easier.  The reminders, the fears, the excitement of having a newborn again, and the worry that we will lose the memory of our precious angel...then there are the hormones to top it all off!!  It's all natural I'm sure, but it's something you NEVER expect to feel when you are expecting (they should write a separate version of the "What to Expect" series for mom's on this end of the process).  I can only imagine the emotions I will feel when I go in to deliver!! 

However, I have recently had some great opportunities to reflect and deal with my thoughts and emotions without having to worry about staying strong for someone.  One being the Women's Retreat with my church family.  It was a wonderful time to separate from being a wife, mom, housekeeper, etc and be spiritually uplifted.  I was able to have a few good cries without people judging...people really think you're crazy when you burst out in tears at the grocery store because you heard a baby cry, or passed by a happy mom with a little pink newborn, or even when people look over at a stop light and see you bawling because of whatever song came on...just to name a few!  I have also had a few girl outtings that have been soothing for my soul!! All steps in bebuilding my strength!

As far as news...I don't have much to update with.  My second prenatal appointment (3 weeks ago) went smoothly.  Baby was 9 1/2 weeks with a strong heartbeat (the MOST important thing in my mind).  However, on Wednesday (the 23rd), I have my first meeting with the Fetal Specialist for a screening that will look for any genetic abnormalities.  This is a test by choice but I'm still a little anxious about it.  I had it done with both of my previous pregnancies and it was a big weight off my shoulders to see that the baby was developing well.  However, I feel that it is important IF something is wrong, that I am aware of it so that I can be fully prepared (but I'm praying for the better of the 2 results!)  Previously, they have been able to "GUESS" the sex (they were right on both) so I'm hoping that might be a bonus...even though the bigger priority is making sure little "nugget" is healthy!!  That being said, the end of this week will be the close of my first-trimester... and my first milestone will have been met!

Now onto little Hailey (who really isn't so little anymore).  She's pushing 27 lbs and will have to face the harsh reality pretty soon that mommy can't hold her anymore!!  Even though she's a fiesty little toddler...she is still an amazing blessing in our lives.  We went to a family get-together in Longview yesterday and she proceeded to be the Belle of the Ball!!  Aunt Ann got her a little tutu dress and she danced and spun around while everyone took pictures of her.  Aunt Sue brought her an old kindergarten school desk that she LOVES as well as a porcelain princess doll that my great-grandmother had painted...she hugged and kissed it!!  Between those two Aunts, she is very spoiled at family gatherings...and I think she likes that!! :)

Well that's all for now, I'm using to today to recover from last week (boys were here for Spring Break) and I'm feeling like it might be time to join Hailey for a nap!  Hopefully I will be back on Wednesday with good news (that's me thinking positive, not trying to jinx it)!!!

Love, the Fords!

Well, I'm trying to be better at keeping this updated...but I don't have a whole lot to report at the moment...but I'll give it a try! 

The pregnancy seems to be going fine...I'm into my 8th week now so I'm still taking things day by day.  I go in for my next appointment next Friday and I'm so anxious for that.  I've had time to let all of the information from my last appointment set in so now I have a great big list of questions for my doctor.  My stomach, however, has lovely shades of black and blue from the shots...gross!  I know I should feel like a pro at this stuff by now...but it's amazing how quickly one forgets the aches and pains of pregnancy.  I guess it's the body's way of protecting us or we'd never go through it more than once!  Currently, I'm so tired that I can hardly hold my eyes open at certain points in the day.  Monday, I had a nice little burst of energy where I was able to catch up on laundry and house cleaning...but I've been paying for it ever since.  Thankfully, this stage doesn't last too long!  Emotionally, it's been difficult.  Somedays, I'm super excited and ready for October to be here (my new due date is October 4th if I hadn't mentioned)...and somedays, I don't ever want the pregnancy to end because...WHAT IF history repeats itself?  Hormones don't help this matter and I try and turn myself to prayer whenever I get a sense of doubt or sadness over me.  I do think that all the responses and the support I have gotten are just amazing and it truely keeps me going...so thank you!

I don't talk to Hailey much about the baby (not that she would FULLY understand), but I think she senses something.  Maybe it's just the stage, but she is so facinated with babies...and not just dolls...pictures of babies, friends' babies, etc.  And, I think it is so sweet that she will carry Emily's picture around and give it kisses...I can't wait to one day tell her about her little sister who will forever be her guardian angel!  I am so lucky to have her (have I mentioned that).  She is such a stinker at times...but she is so full of life and personality.  I have been told several times that, "she is going to own her own business one day,"  but I'm pretty sure that also means that we are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E for the next 16 or so years!  Her favorite thing to do is sing and dance...in fact she insists on climbing on the coffee table for her "performances."  I'm really anxious for her to be old enough to put her in some time of musical program because, by the way she expresses herself musically now, I think she may have a real talent. 

Well, like I said...not much to report this week.  Hope everyone is doing wonderful and is enjoying this great weather we have been having...I know we have!

Trust.

I could either view this past week with a lot of "why's" and "what if's"...but I'm trying very hard to keep my head up and think positive. First off, a dear friend of mine has suffered another pregnancy loss and my heart has been breaking for her and hoping that she find the answers she needs so that she may one day have a little one to hold. I'll be honest, the devil has crept in a few times as I wonder why irresponsible drug addicts and mindless teenages can get pregnant with no problems when so many women who desire nothing but to be a good mother, struggle?? However, I try to remain the Faith and trust that He is ulitimately in charge.


I had my first appointment with a new OB today and I was extremely emotional the whole drive there...the flashbacks of Emily, the fears for this one, the excitement of seeing my little "nugget" for the first time, and the guilt that I might be "moving on." The reason I gave a little background on the ABO Incompatibility disorder in the previous post is because I knew without a doubt, that somehow, somewhere...there was a correlation between that and Emily's death...even though there was no evidence at the surface to say so. As I had been visiting with this new OB, he assured me that he would do whatever it took to deliver me a healthy baby and to keep my mind at ease throughout this pregnancy. Two weeks ago, after my routine antibody screen came back normal, he took me a step further and ordered a complete antibody work-up. Twenty-two tubes of blood and two VERY LONG weeks later, I received the results today. I first met with the sonographer and we got a peek at a very tiny little fetus who is 5 weeks and 6 days growing in my tummy with a strong little heartbeat....yay! Then, after visiting with Dr. Ehmer and reviewing my bloodwork, we discovered that my Anticardiolipin Antibodies are high...not good! In plain English, I have an Auto-Immune disorder which (as I previously stated my antibodies grow stronger with each pregnancy) can cause my body to form clots to fight off the pregnancy. Therefore, in order to (hopefully) prevent a miscarriage or something terrible in the pregnancy, I have to give myself a shot of a blood thinner in my stomach everyday. This also placed the missing piece of the puzzle in the search for answers to why Emily died. The presence of this antibody in young victims causes Myocardial Infarctions...Heart Attacks...Myocarditis (Emily's cause of death). The "hopeful" news (I struggle to use the phrase "good news") is, we can hopefully be proactive in preventing another loss...but my heart is aching so bad right now for my Emily.

Some of you might have questions like "why didn't anyone catch this before?" For one, asking this still doesn't bring her back and two, this is such an uncommon occurance that it usually isn't even surfaced until there is a problem...especially since my routine screening came back normal. I am just so very thankful that Dr. Ehmer took the next step to find these answers....and now I just pray pray pray that God will protect our little "nugget." Today, more than ever (not that I wasn't before)...I am so very thankful for my little Hailey who is here and healthy.

I suddenly feel the need to inform and educate people, not just on my issue, but to ask all the questions and do all the research you can possible do regarding your health because, like us, doctors are only human and will always be learning!!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;
in all ways aknowledge him,
and HE will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

A ROAD TO HOPE...

As I look back through my last blog ALMOST a year ago (I know, I'm terrible at keeping this thing updated), I realize so much how life can throw suprises at you.

At the end of January last year, I discovered I was pregnant with my second child. Only having a 7-month-old at the time, I was so frazzled with the timing and thought "how could this be happening??" I felt that I hadn't spent enough time with Hailey, that our amazing bond would be compromised, and that she would never forgive me for taking away that one-on-one that she will ultimately never remember...oh yeah and "how are we going to afford another child???" These are all feelings and thoughts that would soon turn into so much pain and guilt a few short months later. On Septebember 28, 2010, our sweet little Emily was born at 2:18 pm, and at that moment, all those fears vanished as I realized I have so much love to give another sweet little girl that God had blessed me with. My delivery was perfect (a little longer than I had hoped), I went all natural just as I did with Hailey, she weighed 6lbs 6oz, and she was beautful...Daddy even got to cut the cord (a first for him). Our hearts were happy...we felt our family was complete and Life WAS good!! Little did we know, God had another suprise for us just around the corner...

Most of you know what happens next, but some of you may not understand just what happened. I will do my best here to explain the sequence of events, but I don't think I will ever be able to fully explain WHY?? Here goes...

First some background: Barry and I have different blood types, I am O and he is A...this surfaced a slight issue when Hailey was born with his bloodtype...called "ABO Incompatibility). As soon as she was born, they immediately drew blood for testing and took her to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). We were told it was nothing life-threatening but that, because of our difference in blood types, my body built up antibodies in utero that fight off the "A" system...so when she was no longer depending on my system, her system had to fight to take over. This caused her billiruben (something that processes toxins out of the body) levels were high causing her to have severe jaundice. Hailey was in the NICU under the "tanning lamps" and on IVs (she was also slightly anemic) for 7 days and then was released. This is not an issue that continues throughout the child's life...only in the few days after birth. She is a perfectly healthy child today. When she was discharged, the NICU Dr. warned us that, in subsequent pregnancies, this could be a bigger concern seeing that my system has already built up antibodies and will only get stronger.

When I discovered I was pregnant with Emily (after the initial "freak out"), this was my biggest medical concern because of what I was told. Thankfully, it did not affect my pregnancy and I had a smooth and healthy pregnancy. Shortly after Emily was born, we discovered she also had A blood type and jaunice as well...so under the "tanning lights" she went. Her billiruben levels balanced out and she was discharged on day 5, a Saturday. I remember pulling up to the hosptial to get her and I burst into tears of joy...this was it, we were bringing home our baby to complete our family, I would have my two baby girls, and Hailey would have her little sister (I had already pictured them growing up as best friends). We got Emily home and situated in her basinet, Hailey tucked in for a nap...I thought "piece of cake...I got this!!" Five minutes later, Emily started crying which woke up Hailey and then she started crying...then I thought "well my life just got a whole lot busier!!" It was a rough first night, but we eventually balanced out the feedings, diaper changes, etc...Barry and made a great team and even Hailey was a big helper (only a TINY bit jealous)!!

The following Sunday was perfect: warm with a nice fall breeze, football on tv, spending time with my parents cooking chicken wings, sliders, etc...again, life was good!! My only concern was that, Emily hadn't been eating so well that day. Starting early in the morning, she quit nursing like she was, spit out the bottle, and spit up a few times (not normal). I grew more and more concerned, but didn't really know what to do....I was just a "worried mom." Shortly after the dinner (and another loss for the Cowboys), Barry and I went home and proceeded to get the girls ready for bed. Barry thought he'd try to get Emily to eat since I was flustered. I noticed she was pale and he agreed, then turned to me and said...get dressed I think we need to take her to the doctor. Being a Sunday night, we drove her to the ER in the hospital where she was born. It was the longest drive and I tried to keep her warm and crying the whole way there. When we got there...I barely remember what symptoms I described but I know I mentioned 1. not eating 2. fussier than usual and 3. pale...I am pretty sure they chalked it up to paranoia on my part and proceeded through the routine triage "check-ups." As soon as they checked her temp, things kicked into high gear...her body temp was only 92.9 and they immediately whisked her back to a room with a warming something or another, warm fluids in an IV, and started running tests. Most of the details from here are all a blur as I felt I was in a dream...correction NIGHTMARE!! I remember a few things; infection fighting cells were high, ph levels off, "we're intubating" her, there's a crew in flight from Children's Hosptial to take her (I remember them asking my weight so I could ride on the chopper with her)... at this point all I wanted to understand was "is my baby going to be ok??" And then panic set in. As we dropped Hailey off with my parents, we left them with no major details...so I stepped out of the ER room to call my mom to update her...again, I don't even remember what I said, but I do remember looking up to see a familiar face, Dr. Jim Palmer, one of the Pastors from our church, also the Chaplain on duty that night! All of us knowing this didn't look good, he took us away from the chaos and took us into another room. There was nothing left for us to do but pray... and pray we did. My last prayer was for that all the pain be taken away from my youngest daughter, only 12 days old. About this time, the nurse came in to get us saying the Dr. requested to speak with us...I knew this was not going to be good news. We walked for, what seemed like miles, back into the room where Emily was...and there she lay, still, lifeless, yet perfect. I don't even remember what the Dr. said to us, but as I looked around the room, tears filled every eye around us. I honestly don't even think I was able to cry at this point because I didn't want it to be true. I just wanted to run, run away from what just happened and go back to our happiness that we just had, run away from the fact that my brand new baby had been ripped from my arms, just RUN!! One of the nurses asked if we wanted to hold her. My first reaction was "no I want her to be alive and take her home and go on about life," but I did. This is something I never wish upon any mother, to hold their lifeless baby...but as I stared at her, not wanting to put her down, and telling her over and over again how much I will ALWAYS love her...I noticed a sense of peace about her, she wasn't in pain anymore. I replay this night over and over in my mind almost every day. The date was 10.10.10.

The weeks following were just as hard and as painful as that night in the ER. My body was still recovering from childbirth, planning the funeral, attending the funeral, family and friends coming and going...and yet we just seemed to go through the motions. It all feels like such a dream, and through it all we realized how many wonderful people we have in our lives. It is hard to believe this was only 3 months ago...we have come so far since then. As easy as it felt for me to just become a recluse and stay curled up in bed where I felt safe, I knew I had to keep going for the sake of my marriage and for my living child. Thankfully, I have many wonderful friends and a very supportive husband that allowed me to do so...who didn't allow me to just sit at home and sulk (don't mistake this for not allowing me to grieve because I will forever grieve the loss of my daughter).

The autopsy report showed that Myocarditis caused her death, an infection in the lining of her heart...most likely caused by a virus she contracted through the air. As we discussed all this with many doctors; my OB, our Pediatrician, the Medical Examiner...the verdict was all the same, there was nothing we could have done to prevent, know, or change what happened. It was a "fluke" deal, all my pregnancy screens were normal, her newborn screens were normal...but I still wanted (and WANT) to know WHY???

With the new year, I want to look forward (certainly not leaving Emily behind) and I want to know that I CAN have another healthy child and have the experience of holding another newborn of my own...not to replace Emily, but to carry on her legacy and hopefully help heal our loss. With the help of many wonderful doctors and friends, we have begun digging into Emily's records (this was not an easy task to undertake), my health, etc...because I do NOT want to go through this again. I have visited with a support group (www.MEND.org) and have heard stories of mothers who have experienced mulitple losses, and I do not know how they keep going and my biggest fear is that it will happen to me. I have found a great team of doctors who have access to one of the greatest hospitals and greatest NICU's in Texas and I truely feel hopeful that I will get to experience that joy again soon...God willing!!!

Emily's Urn sits on a shelf and I tell her how much I love her every day, her memory is still as fresh as the day she was born, and I will NEVER forget how sweet, precious, and innocent our little Emily Rose Ford was to us....she is WITH us everyday. As Barry says "her dark little eyes will haunt me forever."

Hailey and the boys have been such a blessing through all of this and have been a major part of our healing. I do know that we have a lot to be thankful for, but there will forever be a piece of our hearts missing.

As I sit here and type today, almost one year to the day that I discovered I was pregnant with Emily, we are expecting another little miracle...due September 28th. I pray that this baby will be the little band-aid over our broken hearts. I am thankful, I am positive, and most of all I am Faithful.

Thank you all who have been and continue to be a great support to us.