The past 3 months, 2 week, and 6 days have been the most joyous, blessed, confusing, and bittersweet all rolled into one. I'm sure to most people, experiencing ALL these emotions at once (yes at once) may seem impossible...but to a mother who has children on earth and one in Heaven, it is nothing but normal. I have finally reached a point where I don't lie awake EVERY night worrying that something terrible is going to happen to Hope, or even to Hailey and a part of me feels a slight sense of normalcy...ALMOST.
Grief is such a funny thing. You can look up the definition in a book and find this:
1.Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.
2.Trouble or annoyance.
"Trouble or annoyance" you say?? Most would think of that definition in the sense of "my younger brother is giving me grief today." I might find it to be true in a different sense! Grief can be defined many different ways depending on who you are talking to, yet, it remains to be a word that hangs over the head of anyone who has lost someone they love dearly. Do I wish I lived a life without grief? Sure, I doubt anyone asks to have grief in their lives. But, do I want to forget MY grief? No. I don't because I would be forgetting the memory of my late daughter and forgetting everything her short life has taught me and continues to teach me everyday! However, with this new year, I am choosing to face my grief head on and plan to do positive things with my grief...dedicating everything to my beloved child in Heaven.
I have read where, those who have been traumatized (in my case, witnessing the sudden death of my daughter), release stress hormones within their body that stay for a long time. These hormones can trigger reactions such as: hypersenitivity, increased anxiety, flashbacks, etc. Thinking back to the night that Emily died, which I do almost every single day, it all feels like a dream. A bad dream, but no doubt a dream. But, as the traumatization wears off, the reality of it sets in...I know that this is my life now and I will forever be a bereaved mother. I did choose to have another baby so quickly after the death of Emily, which might have mixed in some added confusion and fear in with the traumatization and grief...but would not take it back for the world. Hope has helped our family heal so much and now that air is starting to clear, I am allowing myself to handle my grief with a much more positive outlook.
A fellow berreaved mother wrote in her book, Packing For The Big Trip: "Every person who dies, give a priceless gift to those who stay behind." I love this statement, because for so long I felt guilty for wanting to use Emily's death to help myself or anyone else. But, I owe it to HER to go forth and help others. Whether it be sharing my story with other mothers who have lost babies, offering support and understanding, or even saving another baby's life. I want to do it and I want to do it ALL. However, I know doing it ALL isn't necessesarily possible for one little person, but I will try. And this my friends, is my new year's resolution: to make a difference in someone's life.
Tonight, Barry and I will revisit our grief by attending a GriefShare workshop offered at our church. I'm excited about this because I need this. We have celebrated the happiness of our new blessing, Hope for the past 3 1/2 months and I am excited to tend to the hole that still remains in my heart.
Sometimes, in order to move forward, you have to turn to your past...and I'm ready.
