So I realize that this post may start out extremely cheesy and nostalgic...but I promise I have a good point, so bear with me! :)

Open pity party:  So B has been traveling A LOT lately during the week, and combined with my summer homework load, a two-year old, and oh yeah...being pregnant, needless to say I've been a little down in the dumps lately.  On top of it all, it's coming down to the wire with the pregnancy and my anxiety level has been a little on the high side.  So...as I was driving home from the grocery store the other day, a song came on the radio that I turned up and sang to freely.  It was a song that made me think of summers as a teenager and for a moment, I warped back to that time...feeling carefree (for the most part) and just soaking up every moment of life.  Back before I really knew what stress and worry was.  Looking back, I could say that it was a selfish time...but for this moment that I was singing away in the car...I felt FREE!  Once the song ended I warped back into the present and started analyzing my life...wondering "would it just be easier if things were as simple and carefree as they were back then?"

The truth is, and it didn't take me long to realize this, that I would not change one bit of my life.  The trials and tribulations of my life have most certainly left battle wounds on my heart...but more importantly, they have made me into the person I am today.  Life as an adult, mother, wife, etc, may not always be happy and carefree...but my heart is bigger and warmer.  I always want to work at being a better person...but I know that my life's path has made me appreciate that.  I think of the Grinch's heart growing 10 (or however many) sizes and I can apply that to this as well.  Sure I had love when I was a teenager, but my love has grown 10 sizes and will forever grow as long as I let it. 

I think of how easy it would have been to just give up after Emily died...but I feel in my heart that she wouldn't want that so I have to keep going for my family...and for me!  Her death will always be a part of me and will always be a scar on my heart, but as I work through my healing, I am finally able to accept it.  I know that I would not have traded the moments I spent with her for anything in the world and I will always have those.  I'm not totally healed, I don't think I will EVER be, but I have come a long way.  My husband, my daughters, and my family ARE MY WORLD and I would never wish my life to be any different...but sometimes it does feel good to turn the music up and sing! :)

“The grieving heart speaks a language the mortal heart has no way to understand.”

These are words that, just nine months ago today, I did not fully understand. However, a few days later it became a reality. Nine months is another entity of time that is difficult to endure for me (like 6 months that I mentioned in an earlier post). In nine months, a woman can have a baby and nine months is only three months shy of one year. To a grieving mother, nine months can seem like a life-time, but in some ways nine months ago seems like just yesterday. Thankfully, I have not had to go through the grieving alone and even some of those who don’t fully understand what it means to grieve, have provided an excellent support. Unfortunately, there are others in which the language was too difficult to overcome and have fissled out of my life and this has been difficult for me over the past few months.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but over the past few months, the fact that we will be having another little one very soon is becoming more of a reality. Doctor visits are going well. I am seeing my OB every couple of weeks as well as weekly sonograms with the Fetal Specialist to measure Hope’s blood flow and size. Back in May, we met with the Neonatologist and toured the NICU, a trip that was very bittersweet. The last time I was in a labor and delivery and NICU area was when Emily was born and the last time I was in a hospital at all was when Emily died. However, we were there for our future. I realized then, that this would be the very place where our past would meet our future. Now again I will say that we will not be leaving Emily’s memory behind, but blending the pain of losing our last child with cherishing our new baby and praying for her survival.  Learning, yet again, a new "normal," which seems to be a common trend when there is loss. These are the emotional struggles I am attempting to deal with today. I miss Emily very much and these timely reminders are very painful, but on the other hand, I am so excited and so ready for Hope to be born and to have another chance. I also know that Hope will be born around the time of Emily’s first birthday, and every time I play it out in my head, I cry.  The power of prayer and the support of many friends and family is what I can count on to get me through!  We are already planning to have Hope "blessed" in the hospital when she is born...this is important for me because we never got the opportunity to Baptize Emily.  And I know that we will be surrounded with family.  I can't ask for more.

Our summer Bible Study is Max Lucado’s “Fearless.” A book written to encourage Christians to live life without fear, and I think this couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am guilty of living in fear every day. Fear of my family’s well-being and survival, and fear for our little Hope’s health. I want so badly to see her grow up, something I was robbed from with Emily. I hope to embrace this study in order to overcome some of those fears.

School has kept me busy this summer and has been a great motivation and distraction for me. Unfortunately, my doctor does not want me to travel long distances because I am high risk for preterm delivery, so we had to cancel our Florida trip this month. This was a big bummer, but obviously it’s better to be safe than sorry!

At this very moment, I am sitting in the waiting room of the OB waiting for my 4th drawing of blood. My one-hour glucose tolerance test came back abnormal, so I was lucky enough to come back for the three-hour test. Fasting since midnight, one blood draw at 8:42, chugging glucola (ick), blood draw at 9:42, 10:42, and waiting for the final draw at 11:42 then I will be running out of here so fast to get something to eat!! Today is also Hailey’s second birthday. This afternoon, some of her little friends will be coming over to swim and eat birthday cake! I have issues with big birthday “to-dos” every year when kids are so young that they will not remember and just get overstimulated. Her first birthday was somewhat of a big deal, but mostly laid back and I can guarantee if I asked, she would want just what we are doing: family celebration and having her favorite little friends come over to swim!!

Well, I have 10 minutes left until my last blood draw and then I’m outta here…so I will wrap this one up until next time!

Third-trimester…let the countdown begin!

The reminders.

Every 28th of the month I think of the day Emily was born, counting how many months old she we would be and wondering what she would be doing now.  Then I spend the next 12 days feeling like I'm holding my breath....wishing that 12 days felt longer than it actually was, reliving the days we had with her, and wishing that the outcome were different.  However, on the 10th of every month, I am reminded that one more month separates us from her presence, her warmth, her cry, and I mourn her loss all over again...that dreadful day.  Today was that day.

I knew having another baby would not fix this pain, and I knew it would be an emotional struggle to go through...but I am so very very thankful for every day that goes by.  Finding out we are having another girl created an instant bond and attachment to her, but it also created a whirlwind of emotions.  I'm now able to look forward to September and another precious baby girl, but the excitement quickly turns to guilt when I begin to feel that I am "moving on" or that my excitement for one baby discounts the love I have for my lost baby.  My heart knows the truth, but my head is still very confused. 

Now that I'm at the "half-way" point, and knowing how quickly these last few months can go by stirs another emotional twister for me.  I can't even begin to describe how ready I am to hold my new baby girl and remember that feeling of instant love and devotion to someone so teeny.  However, that little thing called "FEAR" has moved in, set up shop and I don't see it leaving any time soon.  I want so badly to forget what COULD happen and just enjoy the ride of childbirth and all the HAPPY things that come with having a new baby.  But, the reality is I CAN'T...I don't get that luxury anymore.  Let me just say that I feel so sorry for those doctors and nurses who will be around during those days when Hope is born...because I think saying that I will be a "nervous wreck" is a huge understatement.  I have about 4 months to go and I'm already thinking of how I will make sure the house so sterile, free of toxins, germs, stale air, or anything and everything that could get her sick.  I just pray that at some point, I will be able to just trust and not worry that she's going to die...but I don't know that I am capable of that.  Most definitely not for those first 12 days.

Some days I wake up feeling a little bit stronger and some days my heart breaks all over again.

18 Week Update

So there's a few positive things about being in the high-risk pregnancy category.  One of them being the fact that any time I have any concerns, my doctors do anything and everything in their power to ease my mind...leaving very little to the imagination.  Obviously they can't tell me what the future holds and unfortunately I know what the future CAN bring...but at least I can rest confidently knowing that I am in THE BEST care!!  ***TMI WARNING***  Two weeks ago, I was having some concerning feelings "down there" so my OB immediately brought me in for a sonogram to measure my cervical lining.  Everything was just fine with my cervix, it just turns out that the body isn't quite the same on pregnancy number 3 as it was with the first!  How do these women have 19 kids and still walk...I MEAN REALLY??

So...the positive side of this visit was that I got a little sneak peak off the "goods" two weeks before scheduled...and guess what...ANOTHER GIRL!!!  This was confirmed again today when I had my big fancy "anatomical" ultrasound at the fetal specialist today...which the doctor gave her an A+ for her progress!!  Following Dr. Magee, I met with the Fetal Cardiologist who also gave her little bitty heart an A+!!  Clearly the sex of this baby ranked well below the desire for her to be healthy in priority...but I truly feel that God has begun to answer my prayers!!  Overall today was a good day and I have fallen so in love with this little baby!!!  I have and will continue to pray over and over again for God not to take her away, that I don't have to plan another baby's funeral, and that I get to watch her grow up!!  However, with the help of my wonderful doctors, I am feeling more and more at ease about it all.

I think for the rest of my life, with every happy moment, there will always be a touch of sadness.  For the past 7 months, I have quickly passed by all the baby stuff in Target while getting diapers for Hailey refusing to look in that direction becuase the reminder was just too painful.  The other day, I stopped and looked for a bit and it was the most bittersweet feeling.  A feeling I've experienced a lot lately...happiness that things are looking well for baby girl 3 but still hurting inside from the reminders of my little Emily.  I know that this little one will never ever replace my precious Emily but I feel like a part of her is coming back to us...as crazy as that may sound.

I was so anxious about meeting with a Fetal Cardiologist, which was a very unfamiliar territory for me and the fear of the unknown had consumed me.  However, my visit with her was probably the most informative and validating visit I've had yet!  Not only did she have great reports for baby girl 3's "beautiful heart", she also dug in great depth to Emily's reports and gave me a lot of insight.  She feels pretty certain that my antibody syndrome and the ABO incompatiblity could not have caused her to develop myocarditis...and that putting all her symptoms together that it truly must have been some severe infection she contracted that her little body wasn't able to fight.  That still breaks my heart to hear because I truly feel like I failed as a mother.  But looking forward to the positive end of that news, the chances of lightening striking again may be a lot lower even though they will continue to watch me like a hawk.  Again...bittersweet.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I feel very anxious to meet with the Neonatal team who will care for little peanut after she's born.  When I discussed this with Dr. Magee today (the Maternal Fetal Medicine dr), he explained that I would meet with them closer to 30 weeks or so (I'm in the middle of my 18th week now) and apparently the look on my face showed some concern because he paused for a bit and then said "you know what...would you like to meet with them now???"  This was the best gift he could have given me and he immediately had his people contact the NICU team and I'm set up to meet with them in two weeks!  They may secretly call me the irritating, high-maintenance patient...but I always feel so reassured after leaving their office and I love that!!

So...the number one name on the list right now is: HOPE!  I feel it's very fitting and appropriate, thus will truly make this journey "our road to our HOPE!!" :)

This year, we have a pretty serious garden going on.  We have planted squash of all kinds, tomatoes, cucumbers, melons, peppers, berries, herbs, among several other things.  The garden is something we (and by "we" I mean my personal gardner, Barry) must tend to every day.  It's amazing how tender these plants are, if they are planted too soon, over watered, underwatered, planted in the wrong soil, get the wrong amount of sunlight (I could go on and on and on)...they will not survive.  Sometimes we don't realize when we shop for things at the grocery store, how much work people have put into growing these vegetables.  It suddenly reminded me of how precious life can be and how similar it is. 

I officially now know more people who have either had trouble conceiving or who have had complications in one or more pregnancies and it makes me think back to how much I took my previous pregnancies for granted.  Of course I worried about little things back then, and of course we did have some issues come up after each baby was born...but the most important thing that I must remind myself, is that I have one daughter HERE and healthy (although, I will never ever stop worrying)!! :)

Along with losing Emily, observing what others who are close to me have been through has completely and 100% changed my life.  It has made me realize a few things:

1.  We are NOT in control:  As a woman and mother, this was probably the hardest concept for me to understand.  I have learned to trust that God has given me the knowledge and ability to do what I feel is right, and the rest will happen as it may.  Don't misunderstand me in the fact that I expect God to take care of everything while I kick my feet up and eat bon bons...I have a real problem with people who feel that they are "owed" things in life yet they never want to do or change anything themselves.  I am a firm believer that, since we do have free will, God plants within us power and knowledge to make the "right" decisions...yet there are some things beyond our given knowledge and power that He does control.  We may not always like the way things turn out, but we have to have faith and trust.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  I recently watched "Eat Pray Love" the movie and something someone said stuck with me..."You have to learn to surrender and just let [it] be" or something to that effect.

and...

2.  That I have decided to make a life committment to help others who have been through trauma and loss.  My first step...getting my butt back to school.  I know this is a crazy committment to make in the middle of having a child, raising a toddler, and still grieving myself and I know it's going to take some time, but I hope to work at getting my Master's or pHD in Psychology (have to work on pre-reqs first, have a baby and apply for the programs...phD vs masters is only about 1 more year but I have some time to weigh and decide) .  One thing God didn't bless me with is patience...so the fact that this will take some time and LOTS of dedication is going to be a great challenge...however, I feel 100% sure that this is what I am called to do.

and finally...

3.  If and when (yeah right) I win the lottery, after I take care of my family in a down to earth fashion (not talking about diamond studded diapers and Rolls Royces all around or anything)...I vow to give everything else to helping babies.  Better newborn screening, better care for sick babies, mothers who can't afford prenatal care, etc...

Check back in about 10 years, but I am going to work very hard at dedicating my life to fulfill these goals and live by my understanding that, if I do what I know is right...God will take care of the rest.

So the other day, I looked at pictures of Hailey from the very first pic after she was born until now (well not ALL of them but you get the idea)...it's only been 2 years (not even) and it's amazing how fast you forget.  The day my children were born will always be the happiest days of my life (please let this continue to be true), but it's amazing how such a painful experience can overpower all the happy memories.  Even though it wasn't that long ago, I have to remind myself what a joyful time it was the first few months after Hailey was born because I was robbed of all that the second time around...and I hate that I feel that way.  I wish there was some way I could have separate little cabinets in my mind...one for Hailey, one for Emily, and one for this little nugget.  But, since that's not possible, I work very hard at sorting out all of my emotions and this is something I'm prepared to work at the rest of my life.  Every time I am asked how many children I have or everytime I have to explain that this is not my second pregnancy or my second child, etc...I am faced with my reality.  However, I refuse to omit the fact that I have three children and I am fully comfortable in sharing my experience...I just worry how others handle me talking about it sometimes!

The hardest thing for a woman, especially a mother to do is accept that we are not in control.  But, once we do, it's almost comforting...hard but comforting to let go and wait.  That's all I can do at this point.

I think we often use the expression "what did we ever do before cell phones and the internet??"  Well, I can tell you one thing, pregnant ladies probably stressed a WHOLE lot less!!  When I was pregnant with Hailey, my doctor jokingly told me to "stay off the internet" because I would freak myself out, and back then I didn't have NEAR the worries I have now!!!  Well, I found myself slamming the laptop shut a few days ago and telling myself "I trust my doctors and I feel 100% confident that they are the most familiar with my situation...why am I reading stuff about other people's situations?"  While I know that there is a lot of helpful sites with helpful information, the worst cases were the ones jumping out to me and making me more worries than anything.  So I decided to go into this week with a new, positive mindset. 

Today, I'm 13 weeks and entering in the second stage of pregnancy.  Typically, the 2nd trimester is the best stretch in a pregnancy: you're not so big where it's uncomfortable, you're usually done with the exhaustion and sickly-feeling, you do all the planning for baby's arrival, etc.  I'm going to do my best to embrace every positive moment of this pregnancy!!  I saw Dr. Ehmer today for my routine visit and it went smoothly.  HB is 157, which he winked at me and said "that's in the girl range...but don't get your hopes up!!"  If ONLY he knew...haha!!  He also said that after this 4 week stretch (I will be 17 weeks by then), I will start seeing him every 2 weeks (which is something you don't usually start doing until about 28 weeks) and he mentioned that Dr. Yost (the High Risk Specialist) wants to start monitoring me weekly after 20 weeks.  So the entire second half of my pregnancy will be VERY busy with appointments!!  Dr. Ehmer assured me that they are pulling out all the stops to keep us all at ease.  I mentioned to him that, while I am SO SO SO thankful of all they are doing to ensure a healthy pregnancy, I'm still concerned about after the baby is born!!  He is going to set me up with the Neonatalogist from the Baylor NICU...I think hearing what their plan of action will be post delivery will help ease my mind TREMENDOUSLY!!!

Yesterday was Emily's 6 month birthday...we have been through so much in 6 months but it still seems like just yesterday that that day was here.  I don't know why this milestone was so difficult for me.  I guess part of it is that it's half a year, and part of it is that is how old Hailey was when Emily was conceived.  I constantly find myself day dreaming about what she would look like now and what she would be doing.  She was such a strong little one and, even at a few days old she was trying to lift up her head and turn it when she would be lying on my chest.  I imagine that she would be sitting up and crawling (or close to it) by now.  Just seems so wrong to have to "wonder" what my daughter WOULD BE doing right now instead of watching her actually do these things!  That brings me to a verse that has been making it's presence a lot lately"

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " Jeremiah 29:11

I have decided to keep a journal of my pregnancy journey, and one day when this little nugget is old enough...I will share with she or he the story.  I browsed the journal section at Barnes and Noble and guess what was on the front of one of the first journals that I glanced at??  Yep, Jeremiah 29:11!  It also has a little pouch in the back for me to put all of the sonogram pictures...it couldn't have been more perfect!!

Hailey remains to be so wonderful...I get frustrated with the typical "toddler" behavior (the tantrums, the constantly getting into things, I could go on) but I HAVE to remind myself how thankful I am that she is here and healthy!!  She is just so amazing...her personality is nothing like I have ever seen in a 21 month old...with a little side of stubbornness (poor thing had no way around that though...seeing that both of her parents are very stubborn)!!

On a very sad note...one of our Pastors is nearing the end of his battle with Melanoma.  If you read back to the "road to hope" post a few months ago...you will see him referenced the night of Emily's journey to Heaven.  He was the Chaplain on duty at the hosptial and was truly a gift from God that night.  Shortly after helping with her funeral, he announced that his Melanoma (something he has successfully managed over the past several year) had entered into stage 4, in which there is no known treatement at this time and it has pretty much taken over his organs.  He is very open with his diagnosis and the fact that his days are now numbered.  It is something that has been very difficult on a lot of people within our church and has really weighed heavy on my heart the past week or so, since I learned that he has now handed over all of his pastoral duties and has accepted the care of Hospice.  He will always be such an inspiration to me.  Up until a month or so ago, he continued to visit church members in the hospital, acted as the hospital's chaplain and also for the police department.  Oh yeah...might I remind you that he is in his 80's and has been a retired Minister for a while...yet he has never given up his calling as a Pastor and helping people.  I know the next several weeks will be difficult and I only pray that he is free from pain.  I mustered up the courage to write him a letter...even though I had not the first clue on what to write somone who is so much more gifted at serving God and other people than I could ever imagine being.  I just want him to know how much of an impact he has had in mine and Barry's lives.

That's all I have for today.