18 Week Update

So there's a few positive things about being in the high-risk pregnancy category.  One of them being the fact that any time I have any concerns, my doctors do anything and everything in their power to ease my mind...leaving very little to the imagination.  Obviously they can't tell me what the future holds and unfortunately I know what the future CAN bring...but at least I can rest confidently knowing that I am in THE BEST care!!  ***TMI WARNING***  Two weeks ago, I was having some concerning feelings "down there" so my OB immediately brought me in for a sonogram to measure my cervical lining.  Everything was just fine with my cervix, it just turns out that the body isn't quite the same on pregnancy number 3 as it was with the first!  How do these women have 19 kids and still walk...I MEAN REALLY??

So...the positive side of this visit was that I got a little sneak peak off the "goods" two weeks before scheduled...and guess what...ANOTHER GIRL!!!  This was confirmed again today when I had my big fancy "anatomical" ultrasound at the fetal specialist today...which the doctor gave her an A+ for her progress!!  Following Dr. Magee, I met with the Fetal Cardiologist who also gave her little bitty heart an A+!!  Clearly the sex of this baby ranked well below the desire for her to be healthy in priority...but I truly feel that God has begun to answer my prayers!!  Overall today was a good day and I have fallen so in love with this little baby!!!  I have and will continue to pray over and over again for God not to take her away, that I don't have to plan another baby's funeral, and that I get to watch her grow up!!  However, with the help of my wonderful doctors, I am feeling more and more at ease about it all.

I think for the rest of my life, with every happy moment, there will always be a touch of sadness.  For the past 7 months, I have quickly passed by all the baby stuff in Target while getting diapers for Hailey refusing to look in that direction becuase the reminder was just too painful.  The other day, I stopped and looked for a bit and it was the most bittersweet feeling.  A feeling I've experienced a lot lately...happiness that things are looking well for baby girl 3 but still hurting inside from the reminders of my little Emily.  I know that this little one will never ever replace my precious Emily but I feel like a part of her is coming back to us...as crazy as that may sound.

I was so anxious about meeting with a Fetal Cardiologist, which was a very unfamiliar territory for me and the fear of the unknown had consumed me.  However, my visit with her was probably the most informative and validating visit I've had yet!  Not only did she have great reports for baby girl 3's "beautiful heart", she also dug in great depth to Emily's reports and gave me a lot of insight.  She feels pretty certain that my antibody syndrome and the ABO incompatiblity could not have caused her to develop myocarditis...and that putting all her symptoms together that it truly must have been some severe infection she contracted that her little body wasn't able to fight.  That still breaks my heart to hear because I truly feel like I failed as a mother.  But looking forward to the positive end of that news, the chances of lightening striking again may be a lot lower even though they will continue to watch me like a hawk.  Again...bittersweet.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I feel very anxious to meet with the Neonatal team who will care for little peanut after she's born.  When I discussed this with Dr. Magee today (the Maternal Fetal Medicine dr), he explained that I would meet with them closer to 30 weeks or so (I'm in the middle of my 18th week now) and apparently the look on my face showed some concern because he paused for a bit and then said "you know what...would you like to meet with them now???"  This was the best gift he could have given me and he immediately had his people contact the NICU team and I'm set up to meet with them in two weeks!  They may secretly call me the irritating, high-maintenance patient...but I always feel so reassured after leaving their office and I love that!!

So...the number one name on the list right now is: HOPE!  I feel it's very fitting and appropriate, thus will truly make this journey "our road to our HOPE!!" :)