The reminders.

Every 28th of the month I think of the day Emily was born, counting how many months old she we would be and wondering what she would be doing now.  Then I spend the next 12 days feeling like I'm holding my breath....wishing that 12 days felt longer than it actually was, reliving the days we had with her, and wishing that the outcome were different.  However, on the 10th of every month, I am reminded that one more month separates us from her presence, her warmth, her cry, and I mourn her loss all over again...that dreadful day.  Today was that day.

I knew having another baby would not fix this pain, and I knew it would be an emotional struggle to go through...but I am so very very thankful for every day that goes by.  Finding out we are having another girl created an instant bond and attachment to her, but it also created a whirlwind of emotions.  I'm now able to look forward to September and another precious baby girl, but the excitement quickly turns to guilt when I begin to feel that I am "moving on" or that my excitement for one baby discounts the love I have for my lost baby.  My heart knows the truth, but my head is still very confused. 

Now that I'm at the "half-way" point, and knowing how quickly these last few months can go by stirs another emotional twister for me.  I can't even begin to describe how ready I am to hold my new baby girl and remember that feeling of instant love and devotion to someone so teeny.  However, that little thing called "FEAR" has moved in, set up shop and I don't see it leaving any time soon.  I want so badly to forget what COULD happen and just enjoy the ride of childbirth and all the HAPPY things that come with having a new baby.  But, the reality is I CAN'T...I don't get that luxury anymore.  Let me just say that I feel so sorry for those doctors and nurses who will be around during those days when Hope is born...because I think saying that I will be a "nervous wreck" is a huge understatement.  I have about 4 months to go and I'm already thinking of how I will make sure the house so sterile, free of toxins, germs, stale air, or anything and everything that could get her sick.  I just pray that at some point, I will be able to just trust and not worry that she's going to die...but I don't know that I am capable of that.  Most definitely not for those first 12 days.

Some days I wake up feeling a little bit stronger and some days my heart breaks all over again.