These are words that, just nine months ago today, I did not fully understand. However, a few days later it became a reality. Nine months is another entity of time that is difficult to endure for me (like 6 months that I mentioned in an earlier post). In nine months, a woman can have a baby and nine months is only three months shy of one year. To a grieving mother, nine months can seem like a life-time, but in some ways nine months ago seems like just yesterday. Thankfully, I have not had to go through the grieving alone and even some of those who don’t fully understand what it means to grieve, have provided an excellent support. Unfortunately, there are others in which the language was too difficult to overcome and have fissled out of my life and this has been difficult for me over the past few months.
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but over the past few months, the fact that we will be having another little one very soon is becoming more of a reality. Doctor visits are going well. I am seeing my OB every couple of weeks as well as weekly sonograms with the Fetal Specialist to measure Hope’s blood flow and size. Back in May, we met with the Neonatologist and toured the NICU, a trip that was very bittersweet. The last time I was in a labor and delivery and NICU area was when Emily was born and the last time I was in a hospital at all was when Emily died. However, we were there for our future. I realized then, that this would be the very place where our past would meet our future. Now again I will say that we will not be leaving Emily’s memory behind, but blending the pain of losing our last child with cherishing our new baby and praying for her survival. Learning, yet again, a new "normal," which seems to be a common trend when there is loss. These are the emotional struggles I am attempting to deal with today. I miss Emily very much and these timely reminders are very painful, but on the other hand, I am so excited and so ready for Hope to be born and to have another chance. I also know that Hope will be born around the time of Emily’s first birthday, and every time I play it out in my head, I cry. The power of prayer and the support of many friends and family is what I can count on to get me through! We are already planning to have Hope "blessed" in the hospital when she is born...this is important for me because we never got the opportunity to Baptize Emily. And I know that we will be surrounded with family. I can't ask for more.
Our summer Bible Study is Max Lucado’s “Fearless.” A book written to encourage Christians to live life without fear, and I think this couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am guilty of living in fear every day. Fear of my family’s well-being and survival, and fear for our little Hope’s health. I want so badly to see her grow up, something I was robbed from with Emily. I hope to embrace this study in order to overcome some of those fears.
School has kept me busy this summer and has been a great motivation and distraction for me. Unfortunately, my doctor does not want me to travel long distances because I am high risk for preterm delivery, so we had to cancel our Florida trip this month. This was a big bummer, but obviously it’s better to be safe than sorry!
At this very moment, I am sitting in the waiting room of the OB waiting for my 4th drawing of blood. My one-hour glucose tolerance test came back abnormal, so I was lucky enough to come back for the three-hour test. Fasting since midnight, one blood draw at 8:42, chugging glucola (ick), blood draw at 9:42, 10:42, and waiting for the final draw at 11:42 then I will be running out of here so fast to get something to eat!! Today is also Hailey’s second birthday. This afternoon, some of her little friends will be coming over to swim and eat birthday cake! I have issues with big birthday “to-dos” every year when kids are so young that they will not remember and just get overstimulated. Her first birthday was somewhat of a big deal, but mostly laid back and I can guarantee if I asked, she would want just what we are doing: family celebration and having her favorite little friends come over to swim!!
Well, I have 10 minutes left until my last blood draw and then I’m outta here…so I will wrap this one up until next time!
Third-trimester…let the countdown begin!
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