So the other day, I looked at pictures of Hailey from the very first pic after she was born until now (well not ALL of them but you get the idea)...it's only been 2 years (not even) and it's amazing how fast you forget. The day my children were born will always be the happiest days of my life (please let this continue to be true), but it's amazing how such a painful experience can overpower all the happy memories. Even though it wasn't that long ago, I have to remind myself what a joyful time it was the first few months after Hailey was born because I was robbed of all that the second time around...and I hate that I feel that way. I wish there was some way I could have separate little cabinets in my mind...one for Hailey, one for Emily, and one for this little nugget. But, since that's not possible, I work very hard at sorting out all of my emotions and this is something I'm prepared to work at the rest of my life. Every time I am asked how many children I have or everytime I have to explain that this is not my second pregnancy or my second child, etc...I am faced with my reality. However, I refuse to omit the fact that I have three children and I am fully comfortable in sharing my experience...I just worry how others handle me talking about it sometimes!
The hardest thing for a woman, especially a mother to do is accept that we are not in control. But, once we do, it's almost comforting...hard but comforting to let go and wait. That's all I can do at this point.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I think we often use the expression "what did we ever do before cell phones and the internet??" Well, I can tell you one thing, pregnant ladies probably stressed a WHOLE lot less!! When I was pregnant with Hailey, my doctor jokingly told me to "stay off the internet" because I would freak myself out, and back then I didn't have NEAR the worries I have now!!! Well, I found myself slamming the laptop shut a few days ago and telling myself "I trust my doctors and I feel 100% confident that they are the most familiar with my situation...why am I reading stuff about other people's situations?" While I know that there is a lot of helpful sites with helpful information, the worst cases were the ones jumping out to me and making me more worries than anything. So I decided to go into this week with a new, positive mindset.
Today, I'm 13 weeks and entering in the second stage of pregnancy. Typically, the 2nd trimester is the best stretch in a pregnancy: you're not so big where it's uncomfortable, you're usually done with the exhaustion and sickly-feeling, you do all the planning for baby's arrival, etc. I'm going to do my best to embrace every positive moment of this pregnancy!! I saw Dr. Ehmer today for my routine visit and it went smoothly. HB is 157, which he winked at me and said "that's in the girl range...but don't get your hopes up!!" If ONLY he knew...haha!! He also said that after this 4 week stretch (I will be 17 weeks by then), I will start seeing him every 2 weeks (which is something you don't usually start doing until about 28 weeks) and he mentioned that Dr. Yost (the High Risk Specialist) wants to start monitoring me weekly after 20 weeks. So the entire second half of my pregnancy will be VERY busy with appointments!! Dr. Ehmer assured me that they are pulling out all the stops to keep us all at ease. I mentioned to him that, while I am SO SO SO thankful of all they are doing to ensure a healthy pregnancy, I'm still concerned about after the baby is born!! He is going to set me up with the Neonatalogist from the Baylor NICU...I think hearing what their plan of action will be post delivery will help ease my mind TREMENDOUSLY!!!
Yesterday was Emily's 6 month birthday...we have been through so much in 6 months but it still seems like just yesterday that that day was here. I don't know why this milestone was so difficult for me. I guess part of it is that it's half a year, and part of it is that is how old Hailey was when Emily was conceived. I constantly find myself day dreaming about what she would look like now and what she would be doing. She was such a strong little one and, even at a few days old she was trying to lift up her head and turn it when she would be lying on my chest. I imagine that she would be sitting up and crawling (or close to it) by now. Just seems so wrong to have to "wonder" what my daughter WOULD BE doing right now instead of watching her actually do these things! That brings me to a verse that has been making it's presence a lot lately"
" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " Jeremiah 29:11
I have decided to keep a journal of my pregnancy journey, and one day when this little nugget is old enough...I will share with she or he the story. I browsed the journal section at Barnes and Noble and guess what was on the front of one of the first journals that I glanced at?? Yep, Jeremiah 29:11! It also has a little pouch in the back for me to put all of the sonogram pictures...it couldn't have been more perfect!!
Hailey remains to be so wonderful...I get frustrated with the typical "toddler" behavior (the tantrums, the constantly getting into things, I could go on) but I HAVE to remind myself how thankful I am that she is here and healthy!! She is just so amazing...her personality is nothing like I have ever seen in a 21 month old...with a little side of stubbornness (poor thing had no way around that though...seeing that both of her parents are very stubborn)!!
On a very sad note...one of our Pastors is nearing the end of his battle with Melanoma. If you read back to the "road to hope" post a few months ago...you will see him referenced the night of Emily's journey to Heaven. He was the Chaplain on duty at the hosptial and was truly a gift from God that night. Shortly after helping with her funeral, he announced that his Melanoma (something he has successfully managed over the past several year) had entered into stage 4, in which there is no known treatement at this time and it has pretty much taken over his organs. He is very open with his diagnosis and the fact that his days are now numbered. It is something that has been very difficult on a lot of people within our church and has really weighed heavy on my heart the past week or so, since I learned that he has now handed over all of his pastoral duties and has accepted the care of Hospice. He will always be such an inspiration to me. Up until a month or so ago, he continued to visit church members in the hospital, acted as the hospital's chaplain and also for the police department. Oh yeah...might I remind you that he is in his 80's and has been a retired Minister for a while...yet he has never given up his calling as a Pastor and helping people. I know the next several weeks will be difficult and I only pray that he is free from pain. I mustered up the courage to write him a letter...even though I had not the first clue on what to write somone who is so much more gifted at serving God and other people than I could ever imagine being. I just want him to know how much of an impact he has had in mine and Barry's lives.
That's all I have for today.
Today, I'm 13 weeks and entering in the second stage of pregnancy. Typically, the 2nd trimester is the best stretch in a pregnancy: you're not so big where it's uncomfortable, you're usually done with the exhaustion and sickly-feeling, you do all the planning for baby's arrival, etc. I'm going to do my best to embrace every positive moment of this pregnancy!! I saw Dr. Ehmer today for my routine visit and it went smoothly. HB is 157, which he winked at me and said "that's in the girl range...but don't get your hopes up!!" If ONLY he knew...haha!! He also said that after this 4 week stretch (I will be 17 weeks by then), I will start seeing him every 2 weeks (which is something you don't usually start doing until about 28 weeks) and he mentioned that Dr. Yost (the High Risk Specialist) wants to start monitoring me weekly after 20 weeks. So the entire second half of my pregnancy will be VERY busy with appointments!! Dr. Ehmer assured me that they are pulling out all the stops to keep us all at ease. I mentioned to him that, while I am SO SO SO thankful of all they are doing to ensure a healthy pregnancy, I'm still concerned about after the baby is born!! He is going to set me up with the Neonatalogist from the Baylor NICU...I think hearing what their plan of action will be post delivery will help ease my mind TREMENDOUSLY!!!
Yesterday was Emily's 6 month birthday...we have been through so much in 6 months but it still seems like just yesterday that that day was here. I don't know why this milestone was so difficult for me. I guess part of it is that it's half a year, and part of it is that is how old Hailey was when Emily was conceived. I constantly find myself day dreaming about what she would look like now and what she would be doing. She was such a strong little one and, even at a few days old she was trying to lift up her head and turn it when she would be lying on my chest. I imagine that she would be sitting up and crawling (or close to it) by now. Just seems so wrong to have to "wonder" what my daughter WOULD BE doing right now instead of watching her actually do these things! That brings me to a verse that has been making it's presence a lot lately"
" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " Jeremiah 29:11
I have decided to keep a journal of my pregnancy journey, and one day when this little nugget is old enough...I will share with she or he the story. I browsed the journal section at Barnes and Noble and guess what was on the front of one of the first journals that I glanced at?? Yep, Jeremiah 29:11! It also has a little pouch in the back for me to put all of the sonogram pictures...it couldn't have been more perfect!!
Hailey remains to be so wonderful...I get frustrated with the typical "toddler" behavior (the tantrums, the constantly getting into things, I could go on) but I HAVE to remind myself how thankful I am that she is here and healthy!! She is just so amazing...her personality is nothing like I have ever seen in a 21 month old...with a little side of stubbornness (poor thing had no way around that though...seeing that both of her parents are very stubborn)!!
On a very sad note...one of our Pastors is nearing the end of his battle with Melanoma. If you read back to the "road to hope" post a few months ago...you will see him referenced the night of Emily's journey to Heaven. He was the Chaplain on duty at the hosptial and was truly a gift from God that night. Shortly after helping with her funeral, he announced that his Melanoma (something he has successfully managed over the past several year) had entered into stage 4, in which there is no known treatement at this time and it has pretty much taken over his organs. He is very open with his diagnosis and the fact that his days are now numbered. It is something that has been very difficult on a lot of people within our church and has really weighed heavy on my heart the past week or so, since I learned that he has now handed over all of his pastoral duties and has accepted the care of Hospice. He will always be such an inspiration to me. Up until a month or so ago, he continued to visit church members in the hospital, acted as the hospital's chaplain and also for the police department. Oh yeah...might I remind you that he is in his 80's and has been a retired Minister for a while...yet he has never given up his calling as a Pastor and helping people. I know the next several weeks will be difficult and I only pray that he is free from pain. I mustered up the courage to write him a letter...even though I had not the first clue on what to write somone who is so much more gifted at serving God and other people than I could ever imagine being. I just want him to know how much of an impact he has had in mine and Barry's lives.
That's all I have for today.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
3 down...6 to go...
So I met with the High-Risk (Fetal Specialist) today and that was a bit scary and a bit comforting at the same time. Sitting in the waiting room, I was so nervous, but as I looked around, I saw pregnant ladies all there for one reason or another. Some young, some old, some big, some small...but they all have their own scary stories to share...so in a way it was a safe place. No one complained about the aches and pains or "I'm just ready for this to be over with," but one by one women went in and came out with a smile and a sigh of relief...it made me glad to be there. Once my turn came up and I got set up on the table ready for my big fancy sonogram, I could hardly control my anxiety. I was shaking, tearing up, and had so many different emotions and "what-if's" running through my head. As much as I hate bringing a toddler to my appointments, I was so relieved to have Hailey with me, even though she had no clue what was going on..haha!
The MFM doctor (Maternal Fetal Medicine) came in and we chatted a bit about what had happened before and the Anticardiolipin Syndrome I was diagnosed with this pregnancy...she said a few comforting things about the approaches we are taking and a few precautionary things that scared me a little but that we will monitor over the next several months. We walked through the sonogram and everything on baby measured out wonderfully...heart, spine, brain, nasal bone (an important indiciation of potential downs syndrome), etc. Baby had a strong heartbeat of 167 BPM and he/she even waved for us! One thing that concerned her was that my placenta was low (called Previa) which isn't too much to worry about at this gestation because it can still move, but she did tell me to restrict my physical activity and we will look more closely at 18 weeks. She did another antibody screen (more blood) and will test my platlets as well, which will probably happen every time I visit with her (just call me pin cushion). Some of these blood screens will indirectly test the blood flow of the baby (to test for fetal anemia) without ACTUALLY having to draw blood from the baby in utero, which is scary and dangerous! Those results should all be back within a week. Finally, she was very vague when I asked her to guess the sex...she said it was hard to tell from that particular angle (she was looking straight on and previously they have always looked from the side angle of the genitals at this gestation to guess the sex)...she said a lot of times girls can look like boys from that angle and said it looked a little like a boy...but not to hold her to that. I still have a feeling it might be a girl, plus the heartrate was the same as Hailey and Emily's had been. So we will see...I'm not giving up hope yet!! The most important thing is that it's healthy. I am trying not to think too much of it right now because my emotions are a little crazy today. I know in my heart that I want another little girl...even though I know it will not replace Emily or her memories. Also, all of my baby stuff is girly and I even have several outfits that Emily never wore, and it will just kill me to have to put all of that stuff away for good. See, there I go thinking about it...I know I will love this baby no matter what and I just need to keep telling myself that.
Crazy how things can change in a year. I just have to say how thankful I am for Western medicine and technology. I know some people will argue that doctors who mess with the natural process of childbearing are playing "God" and it's not right...but in my mind, these doctors are God's little Angels who are practicing miracles on earth every day!
Love
The MFM doctor (Maternal Fetal Medicine) came in and we chatted a bit about what had happened before and the Anticardiolipin Syndrome I was diagnosed with this pregnancy...she said a few comforting things about the approaches we are taking and a few precautionary things that scared me a little but that we will monitor over the next several months. We walked through the sonogram and everything on baby measured out wonderfully...heart, spine, brain, nasal bone (an important indiciation of potential downs syndrome), etc. Baby had a strong heartbeat of 167 BPM and he/she even waved for us! One thing that concerned her was that my placenta was low (called Previa) which isn't too much to worry about at this gestation because it can still move, but she did tell me to restrict my physical activity and we will look more closely at 18 weeks. She did another antibody screen (more blood) and will test my platlets as well, which will probably happen every time I visit with her (just call me pin cushion). Some of these blood screens will indirectly test the blood flow of the baby (to test for fetal anemia) without ACTUALLY having to draw blood from the baby in utero, which is scary and dangerous! Those results should all be back within a week. Finally, she was very vague when I asked her to guess the sex...she said it was hard to tell from that particular angle (she was looking straight on and previously they have always looked from the side angle of the genitals at this gestation to guess the sex)...she said a lot of times girls can look like boys from that angle and said it looked a little like a boy...but not to hold her to that. I still have a feeling it might be a girl, plus the heartrate was the same as Hailey and Emily's had been. So we will see...I'm not giving up hope yet!! The most important thing is that it's healthy. I am trying not to think too much of it right now because my emotions are a little crazy today. I know in my heart that I want another little girl...even though I know it will not replace Emily or her memories. Also, all of my baby stuff is girly and I even have several outfits that Emily never wore, and it will just kill me to have to put all of that stuff away for good. See, there I go thinking about it...I know I will love this baby no matter what and I just need to keep telling myself that.
Crazy how things can change in a year. I just have to say how thankful I am for Western medicine and technology. I know some people will argue that doctors who mess with the natural process of childbearing are playing "God" and it's not right...but in my mind, these doctors are God's little Angels who are practicing miracles on earth every day!
Love
Monday, March 21, 2011
So, I hesitate to blog sometimes because I don't want everyone who reads to have the impression that I am a major Debbie Downer and that all of my posts are about the same thing. However, I realized that I have many different reasons for keeping an "online journal" so-to-speak. Reason one is to inform. Through Emily's birth, death, the grieving, the decision to have another baby and the journey that this has become, so many people have reached out to us, so much that I could never respond to each and every one. Keeping a blog will help my efforts to reach out to everyone who has been so supportive. Now, I'm not going to flatter myself and think that everyone wants to keep up to date on all the details of my life...so that leads me to my second reason for doing this. I have been told by some very wise people that putting your feelings to words is the best way to work through hard times...so this allows me to channel all of my crazy thoughts going on in my head on a daily basis and put it all to something concrete. That being said, to those of you who have continued to suffer through my writing...thank you for listening (or reading)!!
Going into another pregnancy so close to losing our newborn, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and by no means a quick fix, but there is absoutely no way to anticipate the roller coaster it actually has become. At first, Barry didn't even want me to think about going down this road for AT LEAST a year (I finally got him to agree to DISCUSS it again at 6 months), but after the new year and meeting with Dr. Ehmer...there was no question in our minds that it was time to try it again. I really am so thankful to be here, but it doesn't make the process any easier. The reminders, the fears, the excitement of having a newborn again, and the worry that we will lose the memory of our precious angel...then there are the hormones to top it all off!! It's all natural I'm sure, but it's something you NEVER expect to feel when you are expecting (they should write a separate version of the "What to Expect" series for mom's on this end of the process). I can only imagine the emotions I will feel when I go in to deliver!!
However, I have recently had some great opportunities to reflect and deal with my thoughts and emotions without having to worry about staying strong for someone. One being the Women's Retreat with my church family. It was a wonderful time to separate from being a wife, mom, housekeeper, etc and be spiritually uplifted. I was able to have a few good cries without people judging...people really think you're crazy when you burst out in tears at the grocery store because you heard a baby cry, or passed by a happy mom with a little pink newborn, or even when people look over at a stop light and see you bawling because of whatever song came on...just to name a few! I have also had a few girl outtings that have been soothing for my soul!! All steps in bebuilding my strength!
As far as news...I don't have much to update with. My second prenatal appointment (3 weeks ago) went smoothly. Baby was 9 1/2 weeks with a strong heartbeat (the MOST important thing in my mind). However, on Wednesday (the 23rd), I have my first meeting with the Fetal Specialist for a screening that will look for any genetic abnormalities. This is a test by choice but I'm still a little anxious about it. I had it done with both of my previous pregnancies and it was a big weight off my shoulders to see that the baby was developing well. However, I feel that it is important IF something is wrong, that I am aware of it so that I can be fully prepared (but I'm praying for the better of the 2 results!) Previously, they have been able to "GUESS" the sex (they were right on both) so I'm hoping that might be a bonus...even though the bigger priority is making sure little "nugget" is healthy!! That being said, the end of this week will be the close of my first-trimester... and my first milestone will have been met!
Now onto little Hailey (who really isn't so little anymore). She's pushing 27 lbs and will have to face the harsh reality pretty soon that mommy can't hold her anymore!! Even though she's a fiesty little toddler...she is still an amazing blessing in our lives. We went to a family get-together in Longview yesterday and she proceeded to be the Belle of the Ball!! Aunt Ann got her a little tutu dress and she danced and spun around while everyone took pictures of her. Aunt Sue brought her an old kindergarten school desk that she LOVES as well as a porcelain princess doll that my great-grandmother had painted...she hugged and kissed it!! Between those two Aunts, she is very spoiled at family gatherings...and I think she likes that!! :)
Well that's all for now, I'm using to today to recover from last week (boys were here for Spring Break) and I'm feeling like it might be time to join Hailey for a nap! Hopefully I will be back on Wednesday with good news (that's me thinking positive, not trying to jinx it)!!!
Love, the Fords!
Going into another pregnancy so close to losing our newborn, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and by no means a quick fix, but there is absoutely no way to anticipate the roller coaster it actually has become. At first, Barry didn't even want me to think about going down this road for AT LEAST a year (I finally got him to agree to DISCUSS it again at 6 months), but after the new year and meeting with Dr. Ehmer...there was no question in our minds that it was time to try it again. I really am so thankful to be here, but it doesn't make the process any easier. The reminders, the fears, the excitement of having a newborn again, and the worry that we will lose the memory of our precious angel...then there are the hormones to top it all off!! It's all natural I'm sure, but it's something you NEVER expect to feel when you are expecting (they should write a separate version of the "What to Expect" series for mom's on this end of the process). I can only imagine the emotions I will feel when I go in to deliver!!
However, I have recently had some great opportunities to reflect and deal with my thoughts and emotions without having to worry about staying strong for someone. One being the Women's Retreat with my church family. It was a wonderful time to separate from being a wife, mom, housekeeper, etc and be spiritually uplifted. I was able to have a few good cries without people judging...people really think you're crazy when you burst out in tears at the grocery store because you heard a baby cry, or passed by a happy mom with a little pink newborn, or even when people look over at a stop light and see you bawling because of whatever song came on...just to name a few! I have also had a few girl outtings that have been soothing for my soul!! All steps in bebuilding my strength!
As far as news...I don't have much to update with. My second prenatal appointment (3 weeks ago) went smoothly. Baby was 9 1/2 weeks with a strong heartbeat (the MOST important thing in my mind). However, on Wednesday (the 23rd), I have my first meeting with the Fetal Specialist for a screening that will look for any genetic abnormalities. This is a test by choice but I'm still a little anxious about it. I had it done with both of my previous pregnancies and it was a big weight off my shoulders to see that the baby was developing well. However, I feel that it is important IF something is wrong, that I am aware of it so that I can be fully prepared (but I'm praying for the better of the 2 results!) Previously, they have been able to "GUESS" the sex (they were right on both) so I'm hoping that might be a bonus...even though the bigger priority is making sure little "nugget" is healthy!! That being said, the end of this week will be the close of my first-trimester... and my first milestone will have been met!
Now onto little Hailey (who really isn't so little anymore). She's pushing 27 lbs and will have to face the harsh reality pretty soon that mommy can't hold her anymore!! Even though she's a fiesty little toddler...she is still an amazing blessing in our lives. We went to a family get-together in Longview yesterday and she proceeded to be the Belle of the Ball!! Aunt Ann got her a little tutu dress and she danced and spun around while everyone took pictures of her. Aunt Sue brought her an old kindergarten school desk that she LOVES as well as a porcelain princess doll that my great-grandmother had painted...she hugged and kissed it!! Between those two Aunts, she is very spoiled at family gatherings...and I think she likes that!! :)
Well that's all for now, I'm using to today to recover from last week (boys were here for Spring Break) and I'm feeling like it might be time to join Hailey for a nap! Hopefully I will be back on Wednesday with good news (that's me thinking positive, not trying to jinx it)!!!
Love, the Fords!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Well, I'm trying to be better at keeping this updated...but I don't have a whole lot to report at the moment...but I'll give it a try!
The pregnancy seems to be going fine...I'm into my 8th week now so I'm still taking things day by day. I go in for my next appointment next Friday and I'm so anxious for that. I've had time to let all of the information from my last appointment set in so now I have a great big list of questions for my doctor. My stomach, however, has lovely shades of black and blue from the shots...gross! I know I should feel like a pro at this stuff by now...but it's amazing how quickly one forgets the aches and pains of pregnancy. I guess it's the body's way of protecting us or we'd never go through it more than once! Currently, I'm so tired that I can hardly hold my eyes open at certain points in the day. Monday, I had a nice little burst of energy where I was able to catch up on laundry and house cleaning...but I've been paying for it ever since. Thankfully, this stage doesn't last too long! Emotionally, it's been difficult. Somedays, I'm super excited and ready for October to be here (my new due date is October 4th if I hadn't mentioned)...and somedays, I don't ever want the pregnancy to end because...WHAT IF history repeats itself? Hormones don't help this matter and I try and turn myself to prayer whenever I get a sense of doubt or sadness over me. I do think that all the responses and the support I have gotten are just amazing and it truely keeps me going...so thank you!
I don't talk to Hailey much about the baby (not that she would FULLY understand), but I think she senses something. Maybe it's just the stage, but she is so facinated with babies...and not just dolls...pictures of babies, friends' babies, etc. And, I think it is so sweet that she will carry Emily's picture around and give it kisses...I can't wait to one day tell her about her little sister who will forever be her guardian angel! I am so lucky to have her (have I mentioned that). She is such a stinker at times...but she is so full of life and personality. I have been told several times that, "she is going to own her own business one day," but I'm pretty sure that also means that we are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E for the next 16 or so years! Her favorite thing to do is sing and dance...in fact she insists on climbing on the coffee table for her "performances." I'm really anxious for her to be old enough to put her in some time of musical program because, by the way she expresses herself musically now, I think she may have a real talent.
Well, like I said...not much to report this week. Hope everyone is doing wonderful and is enjoying this great weather we have been having...I know we have!
The pregnancy seems to be going fine...I'm into my 8th week now so I'm still taking things day by day. I go in for my next appointment next Friday and I'm so anxious for that. I've had time to let all of the information from my last appointment set in so now I have a great big list of questions for my doctor. My stomach, however, has lovely shades of black and blue from the shots...gross! I know I should feel like a pro at this stuff by now...but it's amazing how quickly one forgets the aches and pains of pregnancy. I guess it's the body's way of protecting us or we'd never go through it more than once! Currently, I'm so tired that I can hardly hold my eyes open at certain points in the day. Monday, I had a nice little burst of energy where I was able to catch up on laundry and house cleaning...but I've been paying for it ever since. Thankfully, this stage doesn't last too long! Emotionally, it's been difficult. Somedays, I'm super excited and ready for October to be here (my new due date is October 4th if I hadn't mentioned)...and somedays, I don't ever want the pregnancy to end because...WHAT IF history repeats itself? Hormones don't help this matter and I try and turn myself to prayer whenever I get a sense of doubt or sadness over me. I do think that all the responses and the support I have gotten are just amazing and it truely keeps me going...so thank you!
I don't talk to Hailey much about the baby (not that she would FULLY understand), but I think she senses something. Maybe it's just the stage, but she is so facinated with babies...and not just dolls...pictures of babies, friends' babies, etc. And, I think it is so sweet that she will carry Emily's picture around and give it kisses...I can't wait to one day tell her about her little sister who will forever be her guardian angel! I am so lucky to have her (have I mentioned that). She is such a stinker at times...but she is so full of life and personality. I have been told several times that, "she is going to own her own business one day," but I'm pretty sure that also means that we are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E for the next 16 or so years! Her favorite thing to do is sing and dance...in fact she insists on climbing on the coffee table for her "performances." I'm really anxious for her to be old enough to put her in some time of musical program because, by the way she expresses herself musically now, I think she may have a real talent.
Well, like I said...not much to report this week. Hope everyone is doing wonderful and is enjoying this great weather we have been having...I know we have!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Trust.
I could either view this past week with a lot of "why's" and "what if's"...but I'm trying very hard to keep my head up and think positive. First off, a dear friend of mine has suffered another pregnancy loss and my heart has been breaking for her and hoping that she find the answers she needs so that she may one day have a little one to hold. I'll be honest, the devil has crept in a few times as I wonder why irresponsible drug addicts and mindless teenages can get pregnant with no problems when so many women who desire nothing but to be a good mother, struggle?? However, I try to remain the Faith and trust that He is ulitimately in charge.
I had my first appointment with a new OB today and I was extremely emotional the whole drive there...the flashbacks of Emily, the fears for this one, the excitement of seeing my little "nugget" for the first time, and the guilt that I might be "moving on." The reason I gave a little background on the ABO Incompatibility disorder in the previous post is because I knew without a doubt, that somehow, somewhere...there was a correlation between that and Emily's death...even though there was no evidence at the surface to say so. As I had been visiting with this new OB, he assured me that he would do whatever it took to deliver me a healthy baby and to keep my mind at ease throughout this pregnancy. Two weeks ago, after my routine antibody screen came back normal, he took me a step further and ordered a complete antibody work-up. Twenty-two tubes of blood and two VERY LONG weeks later, I received the results today. I first met with the sonographer and we got a peek at a very tiny little fetus who is 5 weeks and 6 days growing in my tummy with a strong little heartbeat....yay! Then, after visiting with Dr. Ehmer and reviewing my bloodwork, we discovered that my Anticardiolipin Antibodies are high...not good! In plain English, I have an Auto-Immune disorder which (as I previously stated my antibodies grow stronger with each pregnancy) can cause my body to form clots to fight off the pregnancy. Therefore, in order to (hopefully) prevent a miscarriage or something terrible in the pregnancy, I have to give myself a shot of a blood thinner in my stomach everyday. This also placed the missing piece of the puzzle in the search for answers to why Emily died. The presence of this antibody in young victims causes Myocardial Infarctions...Heart Attacks...Myocarditis (Emily's cause of death). The "hopeful" news (I struggle to use the phrase "good news") is, we can hopefully be proactive in preventing another loss...but my heart is aching so bad right now for my Emily.
Some of you might have questions like "why didn't anyone catch this before?" For one, asking this still doesn't bring her back and two, this is such an uncommon occurance that it usually isn't even surfaced until there is a problem...especially since my routine screening came back normal. I am just so very thankful that Dr. Ehmer took the next step to find these answers....and now I just pray pray pray that God will protect our little "nugget." Today, more than ever (not that I wasn't before)...I am so very thankful for my little Hailey who is here and healthy.
I suddenly feel the need to inform and educate people, not just on my issue, but to ask all the questions and do all the research you can possible do regarding your health because, like us, doctors are only human and will always be learning!!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all ways aknowledge him,
and HE will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
I had my first appointment with a new OB today and I was extremely emotional the whole drive there...the flashbacks of Emily, the fears for this one, the excitement of seeing my little "nugget" for the first time, and the guilt that I might be "moving on." The reason I gave a little background on the ABO Incompatibility disorder in the previous post is because I knew without a doubt, that somehow, somewhere...there was a correlation between that and Emily's death...even though there was no evidence at the surface to say so. As I had been visiting with this new OB, he assured me that he would do whatever it took to deliver me a healthy baby and to keep my mind at ease throughout this pregnancy. Two weeks ago, after my routine antibody screen came back normal, he took me a step further and ordered a complete antibody work-up. Twenty-two tubes of blood and two VERY LONG weeks later, I received the results today. I first met with the sonographer and we got a peek at a very tiny little fetus who is 5 weeks and 6 days growing in my tummy with a strong little heartbeat....yay! Then, after visiting with Dr. Ehmer and reviewing my bloodwork, we discovered that my Anticardiolipin Antibodies are high...not good! In plain English, I have an Auto-Immune disorder which (as I previously stated my antibodies grow stronger with each pregnancy) can cause my body to form clots to fight off the pregnancy. Therefore, in order to (hopefully) prevent a miscarriage or something terrible in the pregnancy, I have to give myself a shot of a blood thinner in my stomach everyday. This also placed the missing piece of the puzzle in the search for answers to why Emily died. The presence of this antibody in young victims causes Myocardial Infarctions...Heart Attacks...Myocarditis (Emily's cause of death). The "hopeful" news (I struggle to use the phrase "good news") is, we can hopefully be proactive in preventing another loss...but my heart is aching so bad right now for my Emily.
Some of you might have questions like "why didn't anyone catch this before?" For one, asking this still doesn't bring her back and two, this is such an uncommon occurance that it usually isn't even surfaced until there is a problem...especially since my routine screening came back normal. I am just so very thankful that Dr. Ehmer took the next step to find these answers....and now I just pray pray pray that God will protect our little "nugget." Today, more than ever (not that I wasn't before)...I am so very thankful for my little Hailey who is here and healthy.
I suddenly feel the need to inform and educate people, not just on my issue, but to ask all the questions and do all the research you can possible do regarding your health because, like us, doctors are only human and will always be learning!!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all ways aknowledge him,
and HE will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A ROAD TO HOPE...
As I look back through my last blog ALMOST a year ago (I know, I'm terrible at keeping this thing updated), I realize so much how life can throw suprises at you.
At the end of January last year, I discovered I was pregnant with my second child. Only having a 7-month-old at the time, I was so frazzled with the timing and thought "how could this be happening??" I felt that I hadn't spent enough time with Hailey, that our amazing bond would be compromised, and that she would never forgive me for taking away that one-on-one that she will ultimately never remember...oh yeah and "how are we going to afford another child???" These are all feelings and thoughts that would soon turn into so much pain and guilt a few short months later. On Septebember 28, 2010, our sweet little Emily was born at 2:18 pm, and at that moment, all those fears vanished as I realized I have so much love to give another sweet little girl that God had blessed me with. My delivery was perfect (a little longer than I had hoped), I went all natural just as I did with Hailey, she weighed 6lbs 6oz, and she was beautful...Daddy even got to cut the cord (a first for him). Our hearts were happy...we felt our family was complete and Life WAS good!! Little did we know, God had another suprise for us just around the corner...
Most of you know what happens next, but some of you may not understand just what happened. I will do my best here to explain the sequence of events, but I don't think I will ever be able to fully explain WHY?? Here goes...
First some background: Barry and I have different blood types, I am O and he is A...this surfaced a slight issue when Hailey was born with his bloodtype...called "ABO Incompatibility). As soon as she was born, they immediately drew blood for testing and took her to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). We were told it was nothing life-threatening but that, because of our difference in blood types, my body built up antibodies in utero that fight off the "A" system...so when she was no longer depending on my system, her system had to fight to take over. This caused her billiruben (something that processes toxins out of the body) levels were high causing her to have severe jaundice. Hailey was in the NICU under the "tanning lamps" and on IVs (she was also slightly anemic) for 7 days and then was released. This is not an issue that continues throughout the child's life...only in the few days after birth. She is a perfectly healthy child today. When she was discharged, the NICU Dr. warned us that, in subsequent pregnancies, this could be a bigger concern seeing that my system has already built up antibodies and will only get stronger.
When I discovered I was pregnant with Emily (after the initial "freak out"), this was my biggest medical concern because of what I was told. Thankfully, it did not affect my pregnancy and I had a smooth and healthy pregnancy. Shortly after Emily was born, we discovered she also had A blood type and jaunice as well...so under the "tanning lights" she went. Her billiruben levels balanced out and she was discharged on day 5, a Saturday. I remember pulling up to the hosptial to get her and I burst into tears of joy...this was it, we were bringing home our baby to complete our family, I would have my two baby girls, and Hailey would have her little sister (I had already pictured them growing up as best friends). We got Emily home and situated in her basinet, Hailey tucked in for a nap...I thought "piece of cake...I got this!!" Five minutes later, Emily started crying which woke up Hailey and then she started crying...then I thought "well my life just got a whole lot busier!!" It was a rough first night, but we eventually balanced out the feedings, diaper changes, etc...Barry and made a great team and even Hailey was a big helper (only a TINY bit jealous)!!
The following Sunday was perfect: warm with a nice fall breeze, football on tv, spending time with my parents cooking chicken wings, sliders, etc...again, life was good!! My only concern was that, Emily hadn't been eating so well that day. Starting early in the morning, she quit nursing like she was, spit out the bottle, and spit up a few times (not normal). I grew more and more concerned, but didn't really know what to do....I was just a "worried mom." Shortly after the dinner (and another loss for the Cowboys), Barry and I went home and proceeded to get the girls ready for bed. Barry thought he'd try to get Emily to eat since I was flustered. I noticed she was pale and he agreed, then turned to me and said...get dressed I think we need to take her to the doctor. Being a Sunday night, we drove her to the ER in the hospital where she was born. It was the longest drive and I tried to keep her warm and crying the whole way there. When we got there...I barely remember what symptoms I described but I know I mentioned 1. not eating 2. fussier than usual and 3. pale...I am pretty sure they chalked it up to paranoia on my part and proceeded through the routine triage "check-ups." As soon as they checked her temp, things kicked into high gear...her body temp was only 92.9 and they immediately whisked her back to a room with a warming something or another, warm fluids in an IV, and started running tests. Most of the details from here are all a blur as I felt I was in a dream...correction NIGHTMARE!! I remember a few things; infection fighting cells were high, ph levels off, "we're intubating" her, there's a crew in flight from Children's Hosptial to take her (I remember them asking my weight so I could ride on the chopper with her)... at this point all I wanted to understand was "is my baby going to be ok??" And then panic set in. As we dropped Hailey off with my parents, we left them with no major details...so I stepped out of the ER room to call my mom to update her...again, I don't even remember what I said, but I do remember looking up to see a familiar face, Dr. Jim Palmer, one of the Pastors from our church, also the Chaplain on duty that night! All of us knowing this didn't look good, he took us away from the chaos and took us into another room. There was nothing left for us to do but pray... and pray we did. My last prayer was for that all the pain be taken away from my youngest daughter, only 12 days old. About this time, the nurse came in to get us saying the Dr. requested to speak with us...I knew this was not going to be good news. We walked for, what seemed like miles, back into the room where Emily was...and there she lay, still, lifeless, yet perfect. I don't even remember what the Dr. said to us, but as I looked around the room, tears filled every eye around us. I honestly don't even think I was able to cry at this point because I didn't want it to be true. I just wanted to run, run away from what just happened and go back to our happiness that we just had, run away from the fact that my brand new baby had been ripped from my arms, just RUN!! One of the nurses asked if we wanted to hold her. My first reaction was "no I want her to be alive and take her home and go on about life," but I did. This is something I never wish upon any mother, to hold their lifeless baby...but as I stared at her, not wanting to put her down, and telling her over and over again how much I will ALWAYS love her...I noticed a sense of peace about her, she wasn't in pain anymore. I replay this night over and over in my mind almost every day. The date was 10.10.10.
The weeks following were just as hard and as painful as that night in the ER. My body was still recovering from childbirth, planning the funeral, attending the funeral, family and friends coming and going...and yet we just seemed to go through the motions. It all feels like such a dream, and through it all we realized how many wonderful people we have in our lives. It is hard to believe this was only 3 months ago...we have come so far since then. As easy as it felt for me to just become a recluse and stay curled up in bed where I felt safe, I knew I had to keep going for the sake of my marriage and for my living child. Thankfully, I have many wonderful friends and a very supportive husband that allowed me to do so...who didn't allow me to just sit at home and sulk (don't mistake this for not allowing me to grieve because I will forever grieve the loss of my daughter).
The autopsy report showed that Myocarditis caused her death, an infection in the lining of her heart...most likely caused by a virus she contracted through the air. As we discussed all this with many doctors; my OB, our Pediatrician, the Medical Examiner...the verdict was all the same, there was nothing we could have done to prevent, know, or change what happened. It was a "fluke" deal, all my pregnancy screens were normal, her newborn screens were normal...but I still wanted (and WANT) to know WHY???
With the new year, I want to look forward (certainly not leaving Emily behind) and I want to know that I CAN have another healthy child and have the experience of holding another newborn of my own...not to replace Emily, but to carry on her legacy and hopefully help heal our loss. With the help of many wonderful doctors and friends, we have begun digging into Emily's records (this was not an easy task to undertake), my health, etc...because I do NOT want to go through this again. I have visited with a support group (www.MEND.org) and have heard stories of mothers who have experienced mulitple losses, and I do not know how they keep going and my biggest fear is that it will happen to me. I have found a great team of doctors who have access to one of the greatest hospitals and greatest NICU's in Texas and I truely feel hopeful that I will get to experience that joy again soon...God willing!!!
Emily's Urn sits on a shelf and I tell her how much I love her every day, her memory is still as fresh as the day she was born, and I will NEVER forget how sweet, precious, and innocent our little Emily Rose Ford was to us....she is WITH us everyday. As Barry says "her dark little eyes will haunt me forever."
Hailey and the boys have been such a blessing through all of this and have been a major part of our healing. I do know that we have a lot to be thankful for, but there will forever be a piece of our hearts missing.
As I sit here and type today, almost one year to the day that I discovered I was pregnant with Emily, we are expecting another little miracle...due September 28th. I pray that this baby will be the little band-aid over our broken hearts. I am thankful, I am positive, and most of all I am Faithful.
Thank you all who have been and continue to be a great support to us.
At the end of January last year, I discovered I was pregnant with my second child. Only having a 7-month-old at the time, I was so frazzled with the timing and thought "how could this be happening??" I felt that I hadn't spent enough time with Hailey, that our amazing bond would be compromised, and that she would never forgive me for taking away that one-on-one that she will ultimately never remember...oh yeah and "how are we going to afford another child???" These are all feelings and thoughts that would soon turn into so much pain and guilt a few short months later. On Septebember 28, 2010, our sweet little Emily was born at 2:18 pm, and at that moment, all those fears vanished as I realized I have so much love to give another sweet little girl that God had blessed me with. My delivery was perfect (a little longer than I had hoped), I went all natural just as I did with Hailey, she weighed 6lbs 6oz, and she was beautful...Daddy even got to cut the cord (a first for him). Our hearts were happy...we felt our family was complete and Life WAS good!! Little did we know, God had another suprise for us just around the corner...
Most of you know what happens next, but some of you may not understand just what happened. I will do my best here to explain the sequence of events, but I don't think I will ever be able to fully explain WHY?? Here goes...
First some background: Barry and I have different blood types, I am O and he is A...this surfaced a slight issue when Hailey was born with his bloodtype...called "ABO Incompatibility). As soon as she was born, they immediately drew blood for testing and took her to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). We were told it was nothing life-threatening but that, because of our difference in blood types, my body built up antibodies in utero that fight off the "A" system...so when she was no longer depending on my system, her system had to fight to take over. This caused her billiruben (something that processes toxins out of the body) levels were high causing her to have severe jaundice. Hailey was in the NICU under the "tanning lamps" and on IVs (she was also slightly anemic) for 7 days and then was released. This is not an issue that continues throughout the child's life...only in the few days after birth. She is a perfectly healthy child today. When she was discharged, the NICU Dr. warned us that, in subsequent pregnancies, this could be a bigger concern seeing that my system has already built up antibodies and will only get stronger.
When I discovered I was pregnant with Emily (after the initial "freak out"), this was my biggest medical concern because of what I was told. Thankfully, it did not affect my pregnancy and I had a smooth and healthy pregnancy. Shortly after Emily was born, we discovered she also had A blood type and jaunice as well...so under the "tanning lights" she went. Her billiruben levels balanced out and she was discharged on day 5, a Saturday. I remember pulling up to the hosptial to get her and I burst into tears of joy...this was it, we were bringing home our baby to complete our family, I would have my two baby girls, and Hailey would have her little sister (I had already pictured them growing up as best friends). We got Emily home and situated in her basinet, Hailey tucked in for a nap...I thought "piece of cake...I got this!!" Five minutes later, Emily started crying which woke up Hailey and then she started crying...then I thought "well my life just got a whole lot busier!!" It was a rough first night, but we eventually balanced out the feedings, diaper changes, etc...Barry and made a great team and even Hailey was a big helper (only a TINY bit jealous)!!
The following Sunday was perfect: warm with a nice fall breeze, football on tv, spending time with my parents cooking chicken wings, sliders, etc...again, life was good!! My only concern was that, Emily hadn't been eating so well that day. Starting early in the morning, she quit nursing like she was, spit out the bottle, and spit up a few times (not normal). I grew more and more concerned, but didn't really know what to do....I was just a "worried mom." Shortly after the dinner (and another loss for the Cowboys), Barry and I went home and proceeded to get the girls ready for bed. Barry thought he'd try to get Emily to eat since I was flustered. I noticed she was pale and he agreed, then turned to me and said...get dressed I think we need to take her to the doctor. Being a Sunday night, we drove her to the ER in the hospital where she was born. It was the longest drive and I tried to keep her warm and crying the whole way there. When we got there...I barely remember what symptoms I described but I know I mentioned 1. not eating 2. fussier than usual and 3. pale...I am pretty sure they chalked it up to paranoia on my part and proceeded through the routine triage "check-ups." As soon as they checked her temp, things kicked into high gear...her body temp was only 92.9 and they immediately whisked her back to a room with a warming something or another, warm fluids in an IV, and started running tests. Most of the details from here are all a blur as I felt I was in a dream...correction NIGHTMARE!! I remember a few things; infection fighting cells were high, ph levels off, "we're intubating" her, there's a crew in flight from Children's Hosptial to take her (I remember them asking my weight so I could ride on the chopper with her)... at this point all I wanted to understand was "is my baby going to be ok??" And then panic set in. As we dropped Hailey off with my parents, we left them with no major details...so I stepped out of the ER room to call my mom to update her...again, I don't even remember what I said, but I do remember looking up to see a familiar face, Dr. Jim Palmer, one of the Pastors from our church, also the Chaplain on duty that night! All of us knowing this didn't look good, he took us away from the chaos and took us into another room. There was nothing left for us to do but pray... and pray we did. My last prayer was for that all the pain be taken away from my youngest daughter, only 12 days old. About this time, the nurse came in to get us saying the Dr. requested to speak with us...I knew this was not going to be good news. We walked for, what seemed like miles, back into the room where Emily was...and there she lay, still, lifeless, yet perfect. I don't even remember what the Dr. said to us, but as I looked around the room, tears filled every eye around us. I honestly don't even think I was able to cry at this point because I didn't want it to be true. I just wanted to run, run away from what just happened and go back to our happiness that we just had, run away from the fact that my brand new baby had been ripped from my arms, just RUN!! One of the nurses asked if we wanted to hold her. My first reaction was "no I want her to be alive and take her home and go on about life," but I did. This is something I never wish upon any mother, to hold their lifeless baby...but as I stared at her, not wanting to put her down, and telling her over and over again how much I will ALWAYS love her...I noticed a sense of peace about her, she wasn't in pain anymore. I replay this night over and over in my mind almost every day. The date was 10.10.10.
The weeks following were just as hard and as painful as that night in the ER. My body was still recovering from childbirth, planning the funeral, attending the funeral, family and friends coming and going...and yet we just seemed to go through the motions. It all feels like such a dream, and through it all we realized how many wonderful people we have in our lives. It is hard to believe this was only 3 months ago...we have come so far since then. As easy as it felt for me to just become a recluse and stay curled up in bed where I felt safe, I knew I had to keep going for the sake of my marriage and for my living child. Thankfully, I have many wonderful friends and a very supportive husband that allowed me to do so...who didn't allow me to just sit at home and sulk (don't mistake this for not allowing me to grieve because I will forever grieve the loss of my daughter).
The autopsy report showed that Myocarditis caused her death, an infection in the lining of her heart...most likely caused by a virus she contracted through the air. As we discussed all this with many doctors; my OB, our Pediatrician, the Medical Examiner...the verdict was all the same, there was nothing we could have done to prevent, know, or change what happened. It was a "fluke" deal, all my pregnancy screens were normal, her newborn screens were normal...but I still wanted (and WANT) to know WHY???
With the new year, I want to look forward (certainly not leaving Emily behind) and I want to know that I CAN have another healthy child and have the experience of holding another newborn of my own...not to replace Emily, but to carry on her legacy and hopefully help heal our loss. With the help of many wonderful doctors and friends, we have begun digging into Emily's records (this was not an easy task to undertake), my health, etc...because I do NOT want to go through this again. I have visited with a support group (www.MEND.org) and have heard stories of mothers who have experienced mulitple losses, and I do not know how they keep going and my biggest fear is that it will happen to me. I have found a great team of doctors who have access to one of the greatest hospitals and greatest NICU's in Texas and I truely feel hopeful that I will get to experience that joy again soon...God willing!!!
Emily's Urn sits on a shelf and I tell her how much I love her every day, her memory is still as fresh as the day she was born, and I will NEVER forget how sweet, precious, and innocent our little Emily Rose Ford was to us....she is WITH us everyday. As Barry says "her dark little eyes will haunt me forever."
Hailey and the boys have been such a blessing through all of this and have been a major part of our healing. I do know that we have a lot to be thankful for, but there will forever be a piece of our hearts missing.
As I sit here and type today, almost one year to the day that I discovered I was pregnant with Emily, we are expecting another little miracle...due September 28th. I pray that this baby will be the little band-aid over our broken hearts. I am thankful, I am positive, and most of all I am Faithful.
Thank you all who have been and continue to be a great support to us.
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