So, I hesitate to blog sometimes because I don't want everyone who reads to have the impression that I am a major Debbie Downer and that all of my posts are about the same thing.  However, I realized that I have many different reasons for keeping an "online journal" so-to-speak.  Reason one is to inform.  Through Emily's birth, death, the grieving, the decision to have another baby and the journey that this has become, so many people have reached out to us, so much that I could never respond to each and every one.  Keeping a blog will help my efforts to reach out to everyone who has been so supportive.  Now, I'm not going to flatter myself and think that everyone wants to keep up to date on all the details of my life...so that leads me to my second reason for doing this.  I have been told by some very wise people that putting your feelings to words is the best way to work through hard times...so this allows me to channel all of my crazy thoughts going on in my head on a daily basis and put it all to something concrete.  That being said, to those of you who have continued to suffer through my writing...thank you for listening (or reading)!!

Going into another pregnancy so close to losing our newborn, I knew it wasn't going to be easy and by no means a quick fix, but there is absoutely no way to anticipate the roller coaster it actually has become.  At first, Barry didn't even want me to think about going down this road for AT LEAST a year (I finally got him to agree to DISCUSS it again at 6 months), but after the new year and meeting with Dr. Ehmer...there was no question in our minds that it was time to try it again.  I really am so thankful to be here, but it doesn't make the process any easier.  The reminders, the fears, the excitement of having a newborn again, and the worry that we will lose the memory of our precious angel...then there are the hormones to top it all off!!  It's all natural I'm sure, but it's something you NEVER expect to feel when you are expecting (they should write a separate version of the "What to Expect" series for mom's on this end of the process).  I can only imagine the emotions I will feel when I go in to deliver!! 

However, I have recently had some great opportunities to reflect and deal with my thoughts and emotions without having to worry about staying strong for someone.  One being the Women's Retreat with my church family.  It was a wonderful time to separate from being a wife, mom, housekeeper, etc and be spiritually uplifted.  I was able to have a few good cries without people judging...people really think you're crazy when you burst out in tears at the grocery store because you heard a baby cry, or passed by a happy mom with a little pink newborn, or even when people look over at a stop light and see you bawling because of whatever song came on...just to name a few!  I have also had a few girl outtings that have been soothing for my soul!! All steps in bebuilding my strength!

As far as news...I don't have much to update with.  My second prenatal appointment (3 weeks ago) went smoothly.  Baby was 9 1/2 weeks with a strong heartbeat (the MOST important thing in my mind).  However, on Wednesday (the 23rd), I have my first meeting with the Fetal Specialist for a screening that will look for any genetic abnormalities.  This is a test by choice but I'm still a little anxious about it.  I had it done with both of my previous pregnancies and it was a big weight off my shoulders to see that the baby was developing well.  However, I feel that it is important IF something is wrong, that I am aware of it so that I can be fully prepared (but I'm praying for the better of the 2 results!)  Previously, they have been able to "GUESS" the sex (they were right on both) so I'm hoping that might be a bonus...even though the bigger priority is making sure little "nugget" is healthy!!  That being said, the end of this week will be the close of my first-trimester... and my first milestone will have been met!

Now onto little Hailey (who really isn't so little anymore).  She's pushing 27 lbs and will have to face the harsh reality pretty soon that mommy can't hold her anymore!!  Even though she's a fiesty little toddler...she is still an amazing blessing in our lives.  We went to a family get-together in Longview yesterday and she proceeded to be the Belle of the Ball!!  Aunt Ann got her a little tutu dress and she danced and spun around while everyone took pictures of her.  Aunt Sue brought her an old kindergarten school desk that she LOVES as well as a porcelain princess doll that my great-grandmother had painted...she hugged and kissed it!!  Between those two Aunts, she is very spoiled at family gatherings...and I think she likes that!! :)

Well that's all for now, I'm using to today to recover from last week (boys were here for Spring Break) and I'm feeling like it might be time to join Hailey for a nap!  Hopefully I will be back on Wednesday with good news (that's me thinking positive, not trying to jinx it)!!!

Love, the Fords!