So I realize that this post may start out extremely cheesy and nostalgic...but I promise I have a good point, so bear with me! :)
Open pity party: So B has been traveling A LOT lately during the week, and combined with my summer homework load, a two-year old, and oh yeah...being pregnant, needless to say I've been a little down in the dumps lately. On top of it all, it's coming down to the wire with the pregnancy and my anxiety level has been a little on the high side. So...as I was driving home from the grocery store the other day, a song came on the radio that I turned up and sang to freely. It was a song that made me think of summers as a teenager and for a moment, I warped back to that time...feeling carefree (for the most part) and just soaking up every moment of life. Back before I really knew what stress and worry was. Looking back, I could say that it was a selfish time...but for this moment that I was singing away in the car...I felt FREE! Once the song ended I warped back into the present and started analyzing my life...wondering "would it just be easier if things were as simple and carefree as they were back then?"
The truth is, and it didn't take me long to realize this, that I would not change one bit of my life. The trials and tribulations of my life have most certainly left battle wounds on my heart...but more importantly, they have made me into the person I am today. Life as an adult, mother, wife, etc, may not always be happy and carefree...but my heart is bigger and warmer. I always want to work at being a better person...but I know that my life's path has made me appreciate that. I think of the Grinch's heart growing 10 (or however many) sizes and I can apply that to this as well. Sure I had love when I was a teenager, but my love has grown 10 sizes and will forever grow as long as I let it.
I think of how easy it would have been to just give up after Emily died...but I feel in my heart that she wouldn't want that so I have to keep going for my family...and for me! Her death will always be a part of me and will always be a scar on my heart, but as I work through my healing, I am finally able to accept it. I know that I would not have traded the moments I spent with her for anything in the world and I will always have those. I'm not totally healed, I don't think I will EVER be, but I have come a long way. My husband, my daughters, and my family ARE MY WORLD and I would never wish my life to be any different...but sometimes it does feel good to turn the music up and sing! :)
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
“The grieving heart speaks a language the mortal heart has no way to understand.”
These are words that, just nine months ago today, I did not fully understand. However, a few days later it became a reality. Nine months is another entity of time that is difficult to endure for me (like 6 months that I mentioned in an earlier post). In nine months, a woman can have a baby and nine months is only three months shy of one year. To a grieving mother, nine months can seem like a life-time, but in some ways nine months ago seems like just yesterday. Thankfully, I have not had to go through the grieving alone and even some of those who don’t fully understand what it means to grieve, have provided an excellent support. Unfortunately, there are others in which the language was too difficult to overcome and have fissled out of my life and this has been difficult for me over the past few months.
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but over the past few months, the fact that we will be having another little one very soon is becoming more of a reality. Doctor visits are going well. I am seeing my OB every couple of weeks as well as weekly sonograms with the Fetal Specialist to measure Hope’s blood flow and size. Back in May, we met with the Neonatologist and toured the NICU, a trip that was very bittersweet. The last time I was in a labor and delivery and NICU area was when Emily was born and the last time I was in a hospital at all was when Emily died. However, we were there for our future. I realized then, that this would be the very place where our past would meet our future. Now again I will say that we will not be leaving Emily’s memory behind, but blending the pain of losing our last child with cherishing our new baby and praying for her survival. Learning, yet again, a new "normal," which seems to be a common trend when there is loss. These are the emotional struggles I am attempting to deal with today. I miss Emily very much and these timely reminders are very painful, but on the other hand, I am so excited and so ready for Hope to be born and to have another chance. I also know that Hope will be born around the time of Emily’s first birthday, and every time I play it out in my head, I cry. The power of prayer and the support of many friends and family is what I can count on to get me through! We are already planning to have Hope "blessed" in the hospital when she is born...this is important for me because we never got the opportunity to Baptize Emily. And I know that we will be surrounded with family. I can't ask for more.
Our summer Bible Study is Max Lucado’s “Fearless.” A book written to encourage Christians to live life without fear, and I think this couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am guilty of living in fear every day. Fear of my family’s well-being and survival, and fear for our little Hope’s health. I want so badly to see her grow up, something I was robbed from with Emily. I hope to embrace this study in order to overcome some of those fears.
School has kept me busy this summer and has been a great motivation and distraction for me. Unfortunately, my doctor does not want me to travel long distances because I am high risk for preterm delivery, so we had to cancel our Florida trip this month. This was a big bummer, but obviously it’s better to be safe than sorry!
At this very moment, I am sitting in the waiting room of the OB waiting for my 4th drawing of blood. My one-hour glucose tolerance test came back abnormal, so I was lucky enough to come back for the three-hour test. Fasting since midnight, one blood draw at 8:42, chugging glucola (ick), blood draw at 9:42, 10:42, and waiting for the final draw at 11:42 then I will be running out of here so fast to get something to eat!! Today is also Hailey’s second birthday. This afternoon, some of her little friends will be coming over to swim and eat birthday cake! I have issues with big birthday “to-dos” every year when kids are so young that they will not remember and just get overstimulated. Her first birthday was somewhat of a big deal, but mostly laid back and I can guarantee if I asked, she would want just what we are doing: family celebration and having her favorite little friends come over to swim!!
Well, I have 10 minutes left until my last blood draw and then I’m outta here…so I will wrap this one up until next time!
Third-trimester…let the countdown begin!
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but over the past few months, the fact that we will be having another little one very soon is becoming more of a reality. Doctor visits are going well. I am seeing my OB every couple of weeks as well as weekly sonograms with the Fetal Specialist to measure Hope’s blood flow and size. Back in May, we met with the Neonatologist and toured the NICU, a trip that was very bittersweet. The last time I was in a labor and delivery and NICU area was when Emily was born and the last time I was in a hospital at all was when Emily died. However, we were there for our future. I realized then, that this would be the very place where our past would meet our future. Now again I will say that we will not be leaving Emily’s memory behind, but blending the pain of losing our last child with cherishing our new baby and praying for her survival. Learning, yet again, a new "normal," which seems to be a common trend when there is loss. These are the emotional struggles I am attempting to deal with today. I miss Emily very much and these timely reminders are very painful, but on the other hand, I am so excited and so ready for Hope to be born and to have another chance. I also know that Hope will be born around the time of Emily’s first birthday, and every time I play it out in my head, I cry. The power of prayer and the support of many friends and family is what I can count on to get me through! We are already planning to have Hope "blessed" in the hospital when she is born...this is important for me because we never got the opportunity to Baptize Emily. And I know that we will be surrounded with family. I can't ask for more.
Our summer Bible Study is Max Lucado’s “Fearless.” A book written to encourage Christians to live life without fear, and I think this couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me. I am guilty of living in fear every day. Fear of my family’s well-being and survival, and fear for our little Hope’s health. I want so badly to see her grow up, something I was robbed from with Emily. I hope to embrace this study in order to overcome some of those fears.
School has kept me busy this summer and has been a great motivation and distraction for me. Unfortunately, my doctor does not want me to travel long distances because I am high risk for preterm delivery, so we had to cancel our Florida trip this month. This was a big bummer, but obviously it’s better to be safe than sorry!
At this very moment, I am sitting in the waiting room of the OB waiting for my 4th drawing of blood. My one-hour glucose tolerance test came back abnormal, so I was lucky enough to come back for the three-hour test. Fasting since midnight, one blood draw at 8:42, chugging glucola (ick), blood draw at 9:42, 10:42, and waiting for the final draw at 11:42 then I will be running out of here so fast to get something to eat!! Today is also Hailey’s second birthday. This afternoon, some of her little friends will be coming over to swim and eat birthday cake! I have issues with big birthday “to-dos” every year when kids are so young that they will not remember and just get overstimulated. Her first birthday was somewhat of a big deal, but mostly laid back and I can guarantee if I asked, she would want just what we are doing: family celebration and having her favorite little friends come over to swim!!
Well, I have 10 minutes left until my last blood draw and then I’m outta here…so I will wrap this one up until next time!
Third-trimester…let the countdown begin!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)