It is no doubt, that as we age and evolve in our lives, our thoughts, feelings, concerns, problems, etc. evolve from those we had in our earlier stages in life.  On the more positive side, our joys and triumphs also come on different levels as well.  Last weekend I had the opportunity to spend Saturday afternoon with a very good friend who I haven't seen in a while.  While we were hanging out at a very popular establishment in Dallas, I found my thoughts wandering into unhealthy territory.  As I watched some girls and guys in their early twenties bounce around in their strategically planned outfits with drinks in hand, I thought to myself "they know nothing about real life," and "they don't know what it's like to suffer because of X-Y-Z," or "it must be nice to be so care free and not have any real worries."  But truth be known, most of us were exactly those people long ago, I know I was, and that's ok.  Everyone deserves to have a happy, care-free, early adulthood because we all know that life just gets harder.  After I brought my thoughts back down from my initial judgments, I then started to wonder "will one of these girls will get married and suffer from infertility?"  Or "will one of these people will end up with a life threatening illness?"  And"could one of these girls suffer the loss of a child just like me?"  Then I began to put things into perspective.  I wonder how many people looked at me and thought the same judgmental thoughts about me when I was in that place in my life?  And then, I was warmed with blessed thoughts of my pleasant marriage and my sweet baby girls.

I also think back to the place in my life when I was single, working, and had no real responsibilities other than paying my bills, showing up to work, and making my next happy hour destination.  I still had goals and dreams, just like I do now (even though they might be different goals and dreams) but they seemed so much more attainable than they do now.  I had no fear when it came to chasing my dreams and I was determined to work my way to the top in anything I set out to do, and in the ethical "working hard" way not the "sleep my way to the top" way.  Today, achieving my goals involved quite a few more steps than they did "back then."  It's not just me anymore, and if my dreams fail, I have so much more to lose than I did when it was just me.  Every bit of the extra baggage (so to speak) is totally worth it and I wouldn't trade it for all of the conquered goals in the world.  I'm just realizing (yes just) that I've got to be better at prioritizing said goals and be a better planner when it comes to accomplishing them. 

One goal I've had since shortly after Emily died, was to start a Non-Profit Organization.  I've always been intrigued by the Non Profit sector and enjoyed volunteering for various organizations even before I had kids.  But, as I find myself at a point in my life where I'm not happy with what I'm doing currently and it's affecting my family life, I know now is the time I make a change.  I truly feel that I'm ready to start building my NPO, there's just one thing that's standing in my way.  FEAR.  I know that FAITH and FEAR cannot peacefully coexist (thank you Suzanne Stabile), but fear is an enemy that has grown on me like a nasty goiter as my life has evolved.  Mainly, it's the fear of the unknown, the fear of putting myself out there and getting rejected, and finally the fear that it will end up in complete and utter failure.  Lame I know, but all too real in my head.

Aside from my blogging, I have been keeping a journal of my ideas and dreams in hopes that they will become something one day and I will continue to pray for the strength and confidence to pull it off.  So, stay tuned and I will try not to let you down!

Revisiting the subject of lives evolving, we never know when the next tragic loss is going to occur.  These losses can be great or small, from jobs to friends, to death of pets, family members, etc.   And the effects these losses have on us can vary and be equally devastating to a person depending on where they are in their lives.   Last night, Barry's brother Kevin suddenly passed away from Kidney Failure.  Truth is, he was not in a happy place on this earth and had various health issues, but still had the heart of gold and does not make his loss any easier on those of us who were close to him.  The past day and half have been the start of what I am anticipating to be a very emotional roller coaster.  I'm am trying my best to be supportive to Barry as I can't imagine what he is feeling right now, but on one hand I just hate seeing him sad and my inner instinct wants to just fight off the sadness for him.  I know that isn't the healthy way to be supportive and I know that the real grief won't even begin for him until we arrive at his mom's tomorrow evening.  So I know I have to fight off my inner warrior of bad thoughts and just be there for Barry.

I have already spoken to Barry's mother, who is obviously very shaken up by the loss and I am very anxious about getting there to be with her.  Her first words to me were "you know, you've been through this" and I was honestly taken back for a second.  Then I realized that, no matter how old your child is (even though Kevin was 53), it's never ever easy to watch them suffer and to lose a battle for their life.  She also is experiencing the guilty feelings that I felt about Emily.  Guilt that she didn't do enough to help her son and that is something that only a mother can truly understand.

Finally, while I'm truly trying not to make this about ME, I am very scared about being put in this situation again and how I'm going to feel and react at the funeral.  I still have some very emotional flashbacks from Emily's funeral when I'm sitting in the Sanctuary at church, and I hope that I can hold it together for Barry's family.  And all while I'm also feeling so much sadness from losing Kevin.  "It just doesn't seem real."  Wow, those are words that are all too familiar and still so so fresh in my memory.  I just hope that I can open my heart and my mind to let myself "feel" this, as I'm finding myself creating small, senseless barricades that allow me to keep my feelings at bay.

Well, Seinfeld just came on, which means that it's midnight and past my bedtime.  I will leave you on these words that I found to be very encouraging today:  "We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:18) 

Reflecting:

On occasion and when I'm feeling nostalgic, I look back through pictures and try to feel the memories that those pictures created when they were taken.  Tonight I was looking through some of Hailey's baby pictures and, while the pictures were all very happy, they also made me feel sad.  Being my first born, I got to experience all the "firsts", and all of those proud "shout from the rooftop" moments that most parents feel.  First family gatherings, first Christmas, first time she found her toes, first steps, etc.  Today, these feelings feel like they were in another lifetime as shortly after Hailey turned one, our worlds came crashing down and ultimately all of our lives changed forever.

Now, don't get me wrong, Hailey is a typical 3 1/2 year-old girl.  Prissy, strong headed (she IS my child and all), and is always looking for a way to express herself.  But, I honestly don't give her enough credit sometimes.  She is an amazing little girl and has a heart the size of Montana, and as bazaar as it sounds, she was the spark that kept me going during the rough months after Emily died.  Of course Barry was my rock, that goes without saying, but Barry was living the same nightmare I was at that time and Hailey was still the happy, sweet baby from the pictures and she has always had a way of lighting up the darkest of rooms.  As I've mentioned before, she didn't feel the pain that we felt, nor did she have to suffer through the various stages of grief.  Instead, she laid with me when "mommy didn't feel like playing", she hugged me when I needed it the most (unbeknownst to her), went with me on EVERY - SINGLE doctor visit (and trust me, there were a LOT) while I was pregnant with Hope, and has loved her little(st) sister as if she had been here with us all along.

I have to be a bit honest, though.  I am currently struggling in my parent-child relationship with Hailey and I am sickened by it.  I stayed home with Hailey for 2 1/2 years and we did just about everything together.  Today I have to consciously remind myself to carve out some special "Hailey/Mommy"time for old times' sake.  Hope is still at the age where I can pick her up and all is great with the world.  But, lately my new work schedule and Barry's new work schedule have created some very stressful weeks, and I find it harder and harder to make that special time to make the effort to nurture my relationship with my beloved first-born.

I have, however, been able to put things into better perspective lately.  I attended our church's Women's Retreat a few weekends ago, and that always refreshes my soul.  The theme was "Less is More" led by the amazing Suzanne Stabile, and it could not have been more perfect for at this point.  The whole concept of "Less is More" is something we have learned the hard way, but Suzanne's lessons allowed me to truly embrace "Less is More" without viewing it as us lacking "things".   I was also able to work from home last week, during spring break, and while it was challenging and stressful at times, it was very much worth it to be able to tend to my babies throughout the day.  It also gave me a break from the craziness that goes along with most weeks: wake up, fix lunches, fix breakfast, shower, get kids up and ready, get myself ready, rush kids to destinations, rush to work (usually late), hit the grind for several hours, rush to pick kids up, get dinner ready, get dinner cleaned up, kids bathed, read stories, say prayers, kids in bed, attempt some quiet time with husband before we both crash and the whole cycle starts over the next day.  That lifestyle can really wear down a person and makes one start to forget the important things in life...like snuggling with you babies when they ask or reading them an extra story.  Although, the crazy cycle starts back up this week (minus the two days we've been down with a nasty stomach bug), I'm going to remind myself to slow down and take in the important moments. 

This all brings me to my next inner struggle.  I went back to work full-time when Hope was only 4 months old.  It was tough to be away from my babies during the day, but when Barry was laid off last January and I had a wonderful job opportunity presented to me, there was no question that I would step up and do what was necessary for my family at the time...and it worked out great for us.  But now I have this burning desire to be home with my kids because they are growing up so fast and I am constantly feeling like I am missing out...not to mention the cost of child care is very depressing (and Less IS More, right?).  If it weren't for the financial benefit of working, I'd spend my days with my girls, finish writing my book at night (because my brain does much better at regurgitating my thoughts at night), and work towards my dream of fighting to lower infant mortality. 

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy working and I have a great boss who has been more than flexible with the crazy cycle that I mentioned above, but I feel as if I'm very torn.  I'm torn by my number one desire to be with my children, I'm torn by the fact that we really do need a second income, and finally I am torn by not wanting to let my boss down (because I am a 2 on the Enneagram and some of you will know what I'm talking about).  But, the bottom line is that, I don't feel as if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I WANT to do something that involves helping a cause that I'm truly passionate about... and being in a sales position, I feel that I'm trying to be someone I am not.

Enough ranting for one evening?  I think so.  I will continue to soul search and pray for the right thing for our family and hope for the best!  Meanwhile, we are preparing to build our team for the March of Dimes on April 20, and that gives me something to work towards for our Emily and some close friends who have experienced prematurity, sick babies, and even losses.  Check out our Family's Team Page:  http://www.marchforbabies.org/emilyrose2010.

Love to all and good night!

Coping With Normal

Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but my inspiration for writing and sharing my journey is still very much alive.  For the past year, or so, I've been trying to balance life as a wife, mom, working full-time, and trying to live as normal of a life as possible.  Some days I feel that I mildly succeed at this balance, and some days I feel that I have failed miserably.  There are days that I get so caught up in the chaos that I have to stop and remind myself of the journey we have been on, and how blessed I am to have two healthy, smart, beautiful baby girls (and one sweet angel in my heart) in spite of how crazy life is.

Remembering:
Of course I am always thinking about Emily.  Any time I see a little baby, pass a hospital (especially THE hospital), hear the name "Emily", or the word "death", or maybe just in my silent times...my mind is consumed with her.  However, the little things are becoming harder and harder to remember.  If I close my eyes, I can remember her distinct cry, but what life was like for those twelve days seems like it was another lifetime ago. What we do have is a number of pictures of her twelve days on earth to remember her sweet face.  Hailey, being only 15 months-old when Emily was born (and died), only knows of Hope as being her baby sister.  Any time she sees a picture of Emily, she associates the picture with her living sister and we always remind her of her first little sister, Emily.  I always knew that this is how it would be, I knew she would never "remember" that awful time in our lives (and truth be told, I'm thankful for this), but I still wish she could remember that first sisterly bond.  As I always planned, I will never stop talking about Emily to both of her sisters, but I know the explaining part is going to get much harder the older they get.  Today, Hailey picked up a picture of Emily on the day she was born and very innocently asked me "Mommy, what happened to her"?

I hardly ever cry in front of anyone about this, perhaps in fear of making the other party uncomfortable.  I can even manage to get through a whole story about the death of my daughter without breaking (no eye contact though...that might be a deal breaker).  It's usually when I am alone that I fall apart, and most of the time that's in the car, strangely enough.  However, having Hailey ask me that took everything I had not to fall apart right then and there.

I know these conversations are only just beginning.  The more Hailey learns about life, the more questions she is going to ask and the more it is going to affect her.  Then, as Hope grows up, she will learn that she was the baby I was afraid was going to die the second I found out I was expecting her because of what happened to her sister.  And, as they both grow up and begin to think about becoming mothers of their own, I will have to worry that one of them will experience a loss like we did.  I realize that living in fear is neither healthy nor how God would want us to live, but the truth is, if I DID actually live in fear, I would not have chosen to have Hope, which is exactly why we named her such.

All of my children are blessings, my two living babies and my baby whose life was taken far too early.  No, I don't consider it a blessing that she died, but a blessing that, no matter where she is, she is still my child and that I will see her again.  In the meantime, I consider it my job and my focus to raise a family to be kind, caring, and giving people in honor of Emily so that when we do see her again, she will have always been close in our hearts.

Moving On?:
No, never.

I see pictures on other blogs, websites, support group newsletters, etc of mothers who have had losses and I think to myself "wow, they look really composed and 'normal' after what they've been through, you can't even tell they're sad".  Then I reply to myself "I'm sure this is what I look like to the outside world."

If only we could wear a little button that said "be nice to me, I lost a child" the rest of our lives.  But, the truth is, everywhere we go we can look around us and see fully functioning people on the outside, but we have no idea what people are recovering from on the inside and that makes me sad.  Today, I carry on my life as if that awful day never happened.  I socialize, make jokes, laugh, etc (I'm in sales)...all things I wondered if I would ever do again back in late 2010.  What most people don't know, is that I'm carrying something very heavy with me ever minute of every day.

As I mentioned before, my mind is constantly consumed by Emily's memory.  But, there are some days where I feel as if I have been taken back in time, as if I'm starting my grief over from the very beginning.  It could be something like a TV show, song, email from a friend, or a flashback of a horrific memory of the night of Emily's death that can take me back...but when I'm back, it's with me the rest of the day.  As sadistic as it sounds, these days where my emotions are so raw and so...there...I almost feel a level of comfort.  These days are fewer than before, but still come about.

Dreaming:
Everyone has different opinions about dreams.  Most dreams I think are just are minds compiling all the crazy thoughts we have running through them and making a movie for our sleeping pleasure.  However, I think some dreams can be a communication channel between our souls and someone we love very dearly when we are needing it the most.

My maternal grandmother and grandfather passed away within one year to the month of each other, September 2003 and 2004 respectively.  This was my first experience in losing a very close loved one as I cherished my grandparents dearly.  I will never forget the day my dad called to let me know "Mammaw is gone".  Just shy of a year later, I got the same call from my mother about my grandfather (Pappaw).  I felt as if a huge chunk of my childhood was gone and I struggled with these losses a great deal.  I still to this day dream of them quite often.  Most of my dreams involve being at their home in Huntsville, Alabama, where I spent a great deal of my life prior to moving to Texas.  These dreams are happy as I feel the innocence of the life that was back then.  Sometimes they will randomly appear in my dream and speak to me about things going on in my present life.  One dream I recall very vividly, and I haven't mentioned this to many people prior to now.  Most of the time, my grandparents would visit separately, but in this particular dream, they were together.  I happened to be pregnant with Emily at this time, but not far enough along to know that she was a girl.  My grandfather told me to sit down and they advised me that they would be taking my daughter to stay with them.  Now I am not what you would call a great sleeper, so I don't know that I even have time to dream most nights, but when I dream these vivid dreams, they tend to stick with me for a few days.  This one did just that.  I woke up fearing that something was going to happen to Hailey, since she was the only daughter present at the time.  It took several months after Emily's death to think back to this dream...but now I know that my grandfather was trying to prepare me, and assure me that Emily will be taken care of.

It took me a while to have an Emily dream, but I remember my first dream of her after her death.  It was very short and something as simple as changing her diaper on the end of my bed.  The next was a quick clip of me holding her, knowing she wasn't there to stay, and then she vanished.  Truthfully, those are the only dreams of Emily that I can clearly remember.  Maybe it's still too painful and my mind is protecting me from slipping into one of my "days", but I often ask God to "please let her visit me in my dreams".  Maybe she's still mad at me for freaking out when I found out I was pregnant with her (remember Hailey was only seven months old at the time)?  Even though I have regretted my reaction every since she was born, and even a little before.  Maybe she's sad that I had another baby so soon and she feels "replaced"?  But what I hope most of all, is that she knows that she is loved and that I would go back and "fix" anything if it would bring her back.

Ok, well that's all for tonight, I've got an early breakfast meeting and I hope to squeeze in a comforting dream between now and then.  To be continued...

Blessings to you all.

Here we go again...

The past 3 months, 2 week, and 6 days have been the most joyous, blessed, confusing, and bittersweet all rolled into one.  I'm sure to most people, experiencing ALL these emotions at once (yes at once) may seem impossible...but to a mother who has children on earth and one in Heaven, it is nothing but normal.  I have finally reached a point where I don't lie awake EVERY night worrying that something terrible is going to happen to Hope, or even to Hailey and a part of me feels a slight sense of normalcy...ALMOST. 

Grief is such a funny thing.  You can look up the definition in a book and find this:
1.Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.

2.Trouble or annoyance.

"Trouble or annoyance" you say??  Most would think of that definition in the sense of "my younger brother is giving me grief today."  I might find it to be true in a different sense!  Grief can be defined many different ways depending on who you are talking to, yet, it remains to be a word that hangs over the head of anyone who has lost someone they love dearly.  Do I wish I lived a life without grief?  Sure, I doubt anyone asks to have grief in their lives.  But, do I want to forget MY grief?  No.  I don't because I would be forgetting the memory of my late daughter and forgetting everything her short life has taught me and continues to teach me everyday!  However, with this new year, I am choosing to face my grief head on and plan to do positive things with my grief...dedicating everything to my beloved child in Heaven.

I have read where, those who have been traumatized (in my case, witnessing the sudden death of my daughter), release stress hormones within their body that stay for a long time.  These hormones can trigger reactions such as: hypersenitivity, increased anxiety, flashbacks, etc.  Thinking back to the night that Emily died, which I do almost every single day, it all feels like a dream.  A bad dream, but no doubt a dream.  But, as the traumatization wears off, the reality of it sets in...I know that this is my life now and I will forever be a bereaved mother.  I did choose to have another baby so quickly after the death of Emily, which might have mixed in some added confusion and fear in with the traumatization and grief...but would not take it back for the world.  Hope has helped our family heal so much and now that air is starting to clear, I am allowing myself to handle my grief with a much more positive outlook.

A fellow berreaved mother wrote in her book, Packing For The Big Trip:  "Every person who dies, give a priceless gift to those who stay behind."  I love this statement, because for so long I felt guilty for wanting to use Emily's death to help myself or anyone else.  But, I owe it to HER to go forth and help others.  Whether it be sharing my story with other mothers who have lost babies, offering support and understanding, or even saving another baby's life.  I want to do it and I want to do it ALL.  However, I know doing it ALL isn't necessesarily possible for one little person, but I will try.  And this my friends, is my new year's resolution: to make a difference in someone's life.

Tonight, Barry and I will revisit our grief by attending a GriefShare workshop offered at our church.  I'm excited about this because I need this.  We have celebrated the happiness of our new blessing, Hope for the past 3 1/2 months and I am excited to tend to the hole that still remains in my heart. 

Sometimes, in order to move forward, you have to turn to your past...and I'm ready.

Words cannot express the amount of love we have felt over the past few days and how grateful we are for each and every one of your comments, messages, and most of all your thoughts and prayers.  I wish I could personally thank and hug every single one of you, but hopefully you all will feel our love received and equally given in return!! 

I imagined how this week would play out...but obviously could not have fully predicted the events and the emotions of actually going through it.  The delivery process was nearly perfect...we checked in around 6am and got settled.  My cervix was still pretty far back and so I spent the morning on pitocin letting it soften...broke my water around lunch time and less than 3 hours later Hope was here (Dr. Ehmer literally had to sprint from his office accross the street and made it in the room just in time to catch her coming out), went all natural again (painful but can't beat the recovery), and Hope never showed any signs of stress.  She came out crying and eyes open...dr put her on my chest and she was looking right at me and I was in immediately in love.  She wrapped her little hands around my IV lines as if she were telling me "I'm not letting you go mommy!!"  As planned, the NICU team was waiting, and after everyone got to see her...they took her up to fully check her over. 

Now, as I have mentioned before...with Hailey and with Emily, we had an issue with ABO incompatibility.  I have O+ blood type and Barry is A+...both H and E had Barry's blood type when posed a problem after delivery (and apparently partly in utero that we never really knew about)...which is why I was monitored so closely for fetal anemia this time around (here's a little bit of info if anyone is interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemolytic_disease_of_the_newborn_(ABO)).  We had already prepared ourselves that Hope would have the same issue, which is why she went straight to the NICU to have her blood type checked out and then a treatment plan would be put into place (which, given that my antibodies grow stronger with each pregnancy...would have most likely included a blood tranfusion/exchange).  AFter patiently waiting for the results...the nurse came back and told us she was O+ like me...I nearly fell to the floor (literally).  This was an answered prayer and TRULY a miracle!!  No tanning lights (phototherapy), IV's, and most importantly...no long NICU stay!!  As I type this, 3 days later...I still can hardly believe it!!  This means that, somewhere in Barry's bloodtype, there is an O that allowed her to get my blood type...thank you LORD!!!  This means that Hope's immune system is not compromised as it would be if she had the difference in bloodtypes and that one little scare we had a few weeks ago with the anemia was most likely due to something I ate or stress or something because every sonogram following that one was perfectly normal!!  "HOPE" could not be a more fitting name for our little miracle baby.  We gave all our "hope" (meaning of hope is: trust/faith) into this pregnancy and so far, it has truly came through for us. 

Naturally, all of my fears are not totally gone and I am still scared that, at any minute, this precious life could be taken from us...and I wish that I did not feel this way.  Everything about bringing Hope home seems so familiar to Emily.  The last time I held and cared for a newborn was with Emily, it was the same time of year...it's just all SOOOO the same but yet so different.  I was terrified to leave the hospital knowing she's only 2 days old and we're headed out into this scary world.  Every speck of dirt, every cough, every little hand that touches her or breathes in her direction scares the "you know what" out of me.  I want so badly to put her in a bubble for the next month or so...or at least until she makes it to two weeks and maybe I will feel a little more relieved (a point we never got to with Emily).  Deep down, I feel HOPEful and trust that she will not be going anywhere...but I still find myself staring at her and begging God not to take her away...but if I have learned anything, it has made me cherish EVERY minute with her and I just love this little baby so very much. 

Hailey has been such a wonderful big sister.  She is so protective and wants everyone to know that Hope is HER sister!!  Her awareness is so different from last year...I was curious to see if she would understand that the Hope that was in my tummy is the same Hope that she can now see...and she caught on very quickly!  I just love it.  I can honestly say that this is the happiest I have been in almost a year...nothing else seems to matter at this point and I don't want this feeling to go away!  But no matter what...Emily is still close in my heart, and even though I'm still working through my feelings of comparing last year to this year...I feel like Emily is watching over us and her little sister, Hope!

So one question I have been asked often (well ever since I've started to "look" pregnant and obviously when Hailey isn't with me), is "is this your first baby??"  The conversations usually go from here: 

Me: "no, this is my third." 
Other person:  "oh wow, how old are your other children?" or "do you have boys or girls?"....something along these lines.

Again, the dreaded openers to the conversations I will forever have to face when discussing my children. 

Here we are in September, the cooler weather blew in this week and with it came so many reminders and emotions.  At this exact time last year, I was preparing for Emily's arrival.  I had the same discomforts and sleepless nights as I have now...but the emotional ride is far from being the same.  I think about Emily every single day, but just the smell of the cooler air takes me back to (almost) one year ago when she became a part of our little family.  The smell also reminds me of the pain and heartache we endured...and while it has gotten easier...has stayed with us the past 11 months.  We should be preparing to celebrate her first birthday in just under 3 weeks.  We should be watching her learn how to walk and follow her big sister around...wondering where the past year has gone.  Instead, we plan to light a candle and say a prayer in her memory... and all we have to look at are her pictures of her 12 days on earth and her ashes.

One year later, and we are preparing for the arrival of our third daughter...not to replace our Emily, but to carry on her legacy...to put a little band aid over our broken hearts...and to put a little rainbow back in our gray sky. 

This will be the last time I write before her arrival (scheduled for induction on September 21, which is 12 days from today), therefore the last time I write during this pregnancy.  Thank you to those who have followed and kept us all in your thoughts the past year and also through this pregnancy.  Most of you know that this pregnancy has not been an easy ride...both physically and emotionally, but I am so thankful to say that, with every challenge we have faced...we have been able to overcome it.  I am coming up on 37 weeks, which in a technical sense, that is considered full-term.  So now, whatever happens I feel more at ease and will now be turning everything over to God and our doctors.  I have zero complaints about the team of doctors who we have been working with the past 9 months and have been amazed at how caring and cautious they have been with our situation. 

Obviously, my fears have not gone away and I am still terrified that we will not get to see another one of our little girls grow up...but I have faith.  And, if I have learned anything from the past year...it is that you cannot give up on faith.  As I reflect back on my post from January...I can truly now call this our road to HOPE!

I pray that I will have good news to report in the coming weeks.  But, please take time on September 28th to remember a little baby who is very special to me...who will be celebrating her first birthday up in Heaven.

What a whirlwind the past few days have been! It is amazing what 4 days and a LOT of prayers can do!!! Last Thursday, Hope's weekly ultrasound showed that her blood flow had increased...meaning she was showing signs of fetal anemia. This was confirmed with a fetal echo that showed her heart output Had significantly increased. Needless to say, this put us in a little bit of a panic!! I had a follow up today to see how the anemia was progressing and a decision would be made from here to how we would carry out the remaining few weeks. Well...amazingly enough, her numbers were completely normal today...as if nothing were ever wrong!! The doctors couldn't explain it, but I have no doubt that it had everything to do with God's amaizing Grace!

I have always believed in the power of prayer and God's work...but there is no doubt that my faith has been put to the test a LOT lately!! However, it's little miracles like this that leave me no doubt of His existence and that He has a hand in all things!

However, I know things aren't completely safe and probably won't feel that way until she's several months old...but I'm going to continue to have the ultrasounds every few days to monitor the situation. If things change, we will go from there...but until then we are back on track for September 21! 30 days in counting....yay!!!!!

Thank you once again for all of your kind thoughts and support...and sorry for the scare!! :)